french fries & milk ice-cream// JENLISA ONESHOTS

(madame i'd like to friend)

MILF

Noun vulgar slang

• a sexually attractive older woman, typically one who has children.
• Mother I'd Like to Fuck.

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Lisa has a new neighbor.

Normally she would've made this assumption judging by the moving truck parked on her side of the curb earlier this morning, but Lisa was far more concerned with other matters.

Example A - the shoes sprawled by the doorway, and Lisa nearly face-planting in her haste to get to work on time.

Example B - her roommates' ability to have tremendous amounts of sex throughout the course of a night. It's impressive, actually.

Lisa didn't get a wink of sleep.

Now she's beginning to realize that maybe she should have given it some more thought when she had the chance.

Because there's a child in her basement and Lisa is so not equipped to deal with this.

"What the hell?"

She drops her bat. It clatters to the floor and rolls underneath the stairwell. Lisa doesn't have the sense to reach for it again when she isn't staring into the eyes of a burglar.

At least she doesn't think so. The little girl is tiny, with big brown eyes and a mop of long brown hair and she's cradling a ferret in her hands - as if that isn't weird enough. By the looks of it she's also dressed in an authentic mini-me tuxedo, and if that isn't the most pretentious thing she's seen to this day, then Lisa doesn't know what is.

"Okay, what the fu -" Lisa bites her tongue, flicks on the light so she at least has a face to yell at when she says - "Fork. What the fork. Who are you, kid? What're you doing in my basement? In my house?"

Wide eyes blink back at her. Not in fear exactly, but definitely surprise and... elation?

"You're not gonna call the police, are you?" she asks, small voice and all.

Lisa crosses her arms. "That depends. Do I need to?"

"No."

"Right. Okay." Lisa rubs a hand down her face. This night is already turning into a nightmare. "Please just give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

"My mom's kind of a hardass. She'd eat you alive."

"Hardass, huh?" Lisa's rigid smile freezes in place. "Let me guess. Big white house next door?"

The kid nods her enthusiasm. "We just moved in this morning. My mom forgot about my piano recital tonight so we left in a hurry. I left Frodo's cage open, though."

"Frodo?"

"My ferret."

"Oh."

The kid holds up said ferret, its beady eyes gazing back at her and Lisa wonders if this is the time to admit she had a foster brother who owned a ferret once. She tried to give the thing a bath and promptly drowned it.

She was sent back to her social worker that same night.

"He escaped. I found him crawling in your backyard. Through the window actually. You might wanna get that fixed, by the way," she advises her in all seriousness.

And Lisa just can't take her seriously when she's got that stupid tux on.

"Yeah?"

"Yup. I might've cracked it open with a rock."