HIS MATCH

04.

Hidden Truths.

Julian.

Breaking his heart, I never meant to, hurting him, hurt me too, so what do I do when I'm stuck between wanting him and wanting to please my pack, please my father, could I have both or if I tried to choose I'd lose both, I didn't want to. Ever since highschool, we've always gravitated toward each other, I always came back to him and no matter how hard I tried to resist, tried to convince myself that I didn't feel love for him, I was reminded that I did, as if in a twisted cycle, a fate I couldn't escape, I wanted him and no one drew me in like he did, I've gotten to an extent where I can't even get hard if its not him, and with those thoughts alone I chuckle bitterly, he was my drug, my addiction, yet I was choosing someone else over him.

Would my predecessors be proud of me if I chose him, would my family accept that I was in love with a witch, and worse off a male witch, would they accept him or try murder him because he wasn't what they wanted, it was enough to confuse me, tear my mind apart and leave me in a state of constant turmoil, I couldn't even tell my father that I didn't want Kara, she wasn't it for me, she was perfect but not for me, she didn't smell like roses and pine, she didn't have porcelain skin that begged to be marked, she didn't laugh so warmly that it made my lycan rumble, and her eyes, I didn't drown in them, they weren't obsidian with specks of crystal white you'd think there was glass in there, she wasn't all of that, but the witch my heart yearned for had all of those and he was perfect for me, never let me get away with anything and always made sure I knew I was loved, I hated how I kept him in the dark, hate how I can't kiss him in front of everyone and show them how much he meant to me.

I was hurting him, and how long could I continue doing it until he finally decided to leave me, how long could I survive him leaving me. Was it even possible to be who I am without him, wiping away the stinging tears that clouded my eyes I took a hold of my mother's hand, she had gone into a coma when she gave birth to the twins, they say her body was weak and the experience too painful that her mind took her far away so she could heal but that has been a few years ago and I'm not sure I will ever feel her warm hugs again. "What do I do mom?" I whispered with a croak, she was always there to put things into perspective, always there to guide me, and she was the reason, well part of it, why I was so conflicted, she knew about my sexuality and supported me when I came out to her, but with my father, he never accepted it truly, he still held on to the belief that for me it was a phase and I'd give him pure blooded Leicester heirs. I tried to tell him I still could, even with a husband, he shut that conversation down pretty quickly, now I'm to honor his wishes, the elders and the pack and move us forward with a woman I didn't know, didn't love, and never cared for.

"He won't listen, and Im sure I'm loosing River, I can't lose both mom, and I can't keep both, the pack is my home and we have to protect it, but the cost is too much to bear mom, I wish you were here to help me find balance, or make dad listen, he's more stubborn now more than ever, I think his heart has grown cold without you—." And in as much as I wanted to hold myself together, I broke down, and cried, my life wasn't perfect, I was torn, confused and losing everything, and it all began and end with one witch, at this point, I'm pretty sure he's my mate, I just hadn't accepted it, even if my wolf sung it in my head all night or whenever I saw him. So I cried, cried because I was lost and I needed guidance, cried because I felt like a monster for hurting the one person I love, cried because I knew he would leave me after treating him so horribly and cried because I was loosing the other person in my life who held my hand through everything, I only hoped I could survive it.

Wiping away my tears, I breathed in deep. I had to find a way to fix everything before I lost it all and never got it back. "Nice chat mom." I whispered with a chuckle regaining myself, I had to find a way, and fix everything before it was too late, wallowing in self pity wouldn't help me at all. Walking out of the private room my mother was in at the infirmary, I headed for my house, I had to quickly get ready, if a way could be found, it was today. "Hey, Julian, wait up!" Kirk yelled toward me as he held a box in his hands filled with cutlery. "Hey man, what's going on, and what's up with the box?" I questioned and he shrugged with an eye roll. "You're getting engaged today, plus your mate truth be told is horrible at planning anything called a social event, so I called in the experts, and you won't believe how it turned out, come on." He explained grabbing my hand and dragging me off to the pack grounds.

As I got closer my breath hitched, I had neved seen something so beautifully made, for an engagement it didnt fit, this was something grand, I believe it seemed to fit into a fairy tale. "He's incredible." Kirk mumbled next to me and I wondered what he was talking about until I felt that familiar spark of his magic, he was at the centre of it all, no wonder it was breath taking, he rose off the ground and from it crystal rose vines bloomed wrapping around the stage set for the ceremony, the six arches above and around, they grew brighter as each of them bloomed into a different colour. "Amazing." Kirk asserted and as I looked at his face, that particular expression, I knew it all too well, I wore it every time I looked at River, it was adoration that developed into love. "Yeah, he is." I replied but my lycan was ready to jump out and murder Kirk, but I knew, I had no right to be jealous when River was being adored and appreciated in the open, unlike I did in the dark.

"So, you see now, this is how it ended up, gotta go man, I don't wanna hold the progress back." Kirk informed me as he took off to an area where everyone was working hard to complete. He fit the role of luna perfectly, they naturally listened to him, naturally followed his lead and I knew he could protect them, he was that powerful, so why wasn't I fighting for him, why was I putting an effort into showing him to the world as mine. "Boy this is perfect." An elder from the pack asserted as they came to stand by me. "It is, they have out done themselves." I replied respectively and they nodded before turning to face me. "Julian, it won't be worth it if you aren't happy, I know how arranged matings usually end up and I don't think that's what you want, so before you ruin not only your life but hers, be sure to have truly thought out your way foward, because once youre bound together, there is no reversing it." They spoke words nobody dared to tell me, spoke the truth to my feelings, when I turned to respond, no one was there, but I knew what I had to do, I truly did.

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Saint_Jay