Walk

Fifteen\\

"What's been happening since the last time we've talked? Dave asked in the same monotonous voice he always spoke with. Had I not known better, I would've thought he didn't give a damn what I had to say, but he explained to me once before that his voice often misled people.

Dave had this certain vibe in his office that made you completely comfortable while you were discussing things during your session. He's been a good source of comfort for me over the past year-him and Brendon and the other coworkers from Stella's. I talked to Dave about pretty much everything that bothered me. I was completely comfortable and relaxed whenever I talked to him.

"Remember my ex I told you about? Jason?' I started out once I found the right way to introduce the topic. "Well, he's back in my life." I didn't smile like I initially thought I would. Our quasi-conversation this morning still ran through my head. Everything from when he first woke up to him raising his hand at me to him just walking out the bathroom. I was still a bit upset at him for raising his hand, whether or not he hit me.

I may have been over exaggerating the situation as always, but I was seriously thinking about it. What if he had hit me? Just because we just got back together and he kept showering me with love and sex doesn't mean that he wouldn't do that. He's hit me before when we first started going out. He'll do it again.

"How do you feel about this?" Dave asked the same tired question that every therapist asked during sessions.

"I don't know how I feel..." I trailed off in all honesty. I thought I'd be happy, but I also knew I'd be disappointed. I always thought that Jason and I being back together would bring me to the realization that he was the one for me, however I was always skeptical about it deep down.

I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to you relationship-a relationship-because since Jason and I broke up the first time, I was always scared of getting my heart broken again. Jason single-handedly broke me down, and it would take a whole lot more than great sex to build me back up again. I had a wall over my heart for a reason; so guys like him wouldn't break it. I was doing a damn good job at protecting myself from heartbreak, but Jason had to fuck me over in the end of our first relationship and now, I was too scared to even think about a relationship.

I know it sounds stupid since now, we're beginning a new relationship. Starting fresh.

Did you know, over the year that I was away from Jason, when Brendon was single he asked me out? I used to like him back and would've said yes to his proposal, but I couldn't bring myself to it. Not since Jason broke my heart.

Brendon wasn't the only man to ask me out on a date. There had been a bunch of other guys who thought they could handle a relationship with me. I would've accepted quite a few of their offers to be their girlfriend, but I wasn't ready for that type of risk.

The way I see it, being in a relationship is just setting yourself up for disaster. I mean, it starts off small in the beginning but from there it gets bigger and bigger. The bigger the relationship gets is the more meaningful it becomes. You get attached at some point and when you think it's all going perfectly and you're comfortable with the person, when you fall deeply in love, something happens and then you're left with a broken heart. Whether you or your partner cheats, someone dies, or just loses interest, you'll always end up with an empty void in your heart. There will be something in your heart that makes you feel alone or something. That feeling is the same feeling I felt for a whole year and some change since Jason and I broke up. The same feeling I felt when Jason raped me. The same feeling I felt when I left Nevada and came to Oregon. The same feeling I still somehow feel now, although Jason and I decided to start fresh. And now, I had no words to really describe how I was feeling except...voided.