Walk

Forty-One\\ Walk

Slim\\

A week and a half later, Stella and my co-workers attended the funeral of Sophie. It was honestly depressing and I had barely any sleep over the past week and a half. I was in tears every hour and I couldn't handle it anymore. Jason held me every time and he attended the funeral with me. He had some nerve because he wore the same exact suit he had on when Sophie died.

I couldn't contain my tears throughout the funeral, especially when Stella gave her eulogy. I was crying my eyes out and couldn't be silent. Jenna escorted me to the bathroom to wipe my eyes and cry on her shoulder. I couldn't hold anything in, and after the funeral when we went to eat at the diner, I threw up my food.

A few days after I killed Sophie, Malcolm delivered her body to Stella's house and laid her out on their porch. What made me feel shitty was I had attended her funeral. And I was her murderer.

I still remember the day Stella came into the diner crying. She had told us about Sophie's death and how the body was just dumped on her front porch for the whole neighborhood to see. I couldn't believe how emotional everybody was. Even Jenna, who hated Sophie with a passion, was emotional. She cried, and I never remembered seeing Jenna cry, ever. I was given a freebie when it came to crying, because she was my co-worker and everybody assumed it was because of her death that I was really emotional. Before they just thought that something happened to my father, a lie Jason had came up with for when I cried during the job. He somehow knew I'd be more emotional during work than off work. And he was right.

Stella came in the diner with bags under her eyes. She wiped them every so often and Jenna asked her in Spanish what was wrong. She told us that Sophie was dead and that she was murdered. She said whoever it was that killed her had left the body on the front porch, and that Sophie's father and Stella's husband was taking her death worse than her. She said that she couldn't believe someone could be so cruel, and that they were planning the funeral. I can't believe she's dead, Stella cried into Jose's shoulder, "She was the only person I had left, other than my husband."

 I sat on the counter in the bathroom sobbing loudly. I was honestly tired of all the crying, but the tears just wouldn't stop. My stomach hurt from crying so much and I was getting a headache. Audrey came in after a while and found me. She rushed to my side and gave me the most comforting hug I've had in maybe a year.

"It's gonna be okay, baby girl." She said, rubbing circles on my back. I leaned my head on her shoulder and shook it.

"I can't do this anymore." I cried. "I can't, I just want this to end."

"What do you mean?" She asked. She looked at me with stern and serious eyes. I sniffled and looked at her.

"You have no idea how many times I thought of ending it all." I confessed, "I mean, I've really been contemplating it. I can't do this shit anymore." Another tear fell from my eye and I wiped it away. I showed her my wrist, which had more scars from before. I promised that I woudn't cut anymore, but I did. I had to, and it seemed to make me feel better. At first it hurt like Hell, but I realized it was the only pain I had control over and I liked it. I liked feeling in control, and after a while I realized that I was liking the pain more than the actual activity. "I've been doing this ever since she died...I can't stop. I hate myself, it's all my fault. She'd be alive if I wasn't such a fuck up."

"Slim," Audrey gasped. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for this. And promise me that this ends here." She said, pointing to my wrist. I nodded and more tears fell. "Good. Now let's get you cleaned up."

She went to get some tissues and helped me wipe my eyes. She had gotten some wet wipes from the bathroom closet and helped wipe away my makeup.

"What do you say after this, we go get some drinks?" She suggested. I nodded my head and hopped off the counter.

We had no customers today because Stella closed the shop for the week. This whole week was primarily focused on Sophie's funeral arrangements. I was too distracted by her funeral arrangements and helping Stella through this rough patch, that I nearly forgot that I had to talk to Jason about leaving. I wanted to just go. I wanted to go see my father and make amends with him and hopefully come home and finish school. I was twenty years old and I didn't even finish school.

Stella had a drink in her cup as she sobbed on the bar stool at the counter. Daphne sat with Jenna and Brendon at a table, all three of them were silent. Aubrey was there too, but she was at the table next to them crying silently, with Xavier and Chavez. Audrey sighed and went to her innocent cousin. Jose was in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes he used when he was cooking us something to eat. I stuck a stick of gum in my mouth from when I threw my food up earlier.

"Man," Jenna said quietly. "This is so unbelievable."

"Right." Daphne said, scoffing with astonishment. "I seriously just saw her last week."

"I feel so shitty for all the stuff we put her through." Jenna sighed, slapping her head and crying. "I called her a slut so many times... I wish I could just apologize, you know?" She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"Slim, you've been quiet since the funeral." Chavez said. Everybody looked at me as I sat in a corner booth by myself. I wanted to talk to them, I wanted to talk to Stella and everybody else, but I just couldn't. I didn't want anybody to know that I was there when she died, and I definitely couldn't tell them that I was the reason.

I shook my head and waved my hand as an act of dismissal. I sighed and rubbed my arms with my hands.

"I don't feel well." I said, sighing deeply and looking down at the ground. "I think I'll just go home. I need some rest." I knew I wasn't really going to rest, but I just needed to get away from everything.

I said goodbye to everybody and gave Stella a comforting hug. Afterwards, I left the cafe and walked home alone. I kept wiping my eyes every other second and eventually taking my heels off because they hurt my feet after a while.

I opened the front door and tossed my heels aside. Jason sat in the living room with Katelyn and the guys. They were watching Fast and Furious 5 and laughing at one of the scenes. I walked through the living room and went straight to the bedroom, slamming the door and getting on my knees. I looked under the bed and found what I was looking for. I brought the suitcase out and threw it on the bed, unzipping it and walking towards the dresser.

I opened the drawers and grabbed a handful of clothes and threw them in the suitcase. My tears just kept falling and I finally let out a heartfelt yell. I regretted pulling the trigger. I should've never pulled the trigger. I should've just forgiven her; I should've just let her live. I should've just walked away and told her I wouldn't tell anybody.

I went through the bottom drawer and grabbed the clothes I had for Katelyn. I was leaving Jason and I was taking my daughter with me. If I stayed with him any longer, I was surely going to be brought into his life and most likely killed. It was obvious people targeted me because I was with Jason, I had to go.

I got the stroller ready and opened the sliding door. I went to the living room and took Katelyn from Jason.

"I'll put her to bed." I said, smiling warmly at him.

"You're okay?" Jason asked. I nodded and walked back to the bedroom.

I got a pen and paper and started writing out a goodbye letter.

When finished, I left it on the dresser and sat Katelyn in her stroller. I had the suitcase on the bottom of the stroller and her bottle and diapers and other necessities in the back pocket.

Dear Jason,

I'm sorry I had to go... Sometimes, you just have to know when to say goodbye and walk away. I need my freedom back, and I can't deal with the amount of regret I have over what happened. I'm sorry it has to be like this. I'll always love you, but I need to leave. I hope you have a wonderful life.

Much Love,
Slim