Playing Games

Too Good to be True

T/W: abusive relationships, depression, suicide ideation

We walked back over to the seats that surrounded the fire place and soon everyone started to join us. I ended up wrapped in Austin's jacket because it got a little chilly and let's face it, I barely had any clothes on. We laughed, told stories, and had the best time together. "Okay I'm grabbing refills. Anyone want anything?" I asked to the group as I stood up from my cozy seat next to Austin. I got a couple responses and went into the house to grab as much as I could.

By this time is was just our group that remained at the party. I came back and saw that Smitty had taken my spot beside Austin. He was showing him something on his phone, probably some work related stuff. I handed every body their drinks and my drunk brain decided to make a move. "Smitty you stole my spot!" I said fake complaining. "Sorry, girl here ill mo-" he started to say. "No, no its fine. Ill just sit here" I say as I lowered myself onto Austins lap, "if that's okay with you." "Yeah! Go for it!" Austin exclaimed in all his drunken glory. He placed his hand on my lower back and I looked into his eyes with a drunken smile. I proceeded to grab his cowboy hat from his hat a placed it on my head. "You know what they say Sof," Austin said as he leaned into my ear, "you take the cowboy hat, you gotta take the cowboy" he said with a wink and took a sip of his beer. I laughed in response and leaned over into his ear, "Don't tempt me with a good time." He shook his head and deep groan left his lips and he responded, "be careful what you wish for sweetheart." I felt my cheeks heat at our flirtatious banter.

We all continued to hang out by the fire as one by one we started to retreat back to our beds to call it a night. All that was left was Austin, myself and Nick, before nick decided it was time to call it a night too. He said goodnight and disappeared into the house. "You know Sof, I don't think I've had so much fun with someone in a very long time. Im glad you finally made it out here" Austin said now that it was just the two of us. I was no longer sitting in his lap but we sat next to each other, wrapped up close. I continued to stare at his face and admire his features.  I could get lost in those ocean blue eyes of his but I managed to get a response out. "Im glad I came. I missed Adam so much and being surrounded by all his amazing friends is so awesome. You all have made me feel welcome, and you don't know how much I appreciate that" I said with a tired smile. He looked at me with hooded eyes and I couldn't stop myself from leaning forward. I felt his had slid up my back and as we were about to kiss, the back sliding door opened. I pulled back and cleared my throat as I watched Nick come out holding a phone in his hand. "Umm sorry if I'm interrupting anything, but uh Austin your phone keeps ringing off the hook, I don't know if you wanna get it or-" he said not really knowing what to do. "That's fine man thanks, ill get it. Who is it?" He asked and I can see his eye go from Austins to mine and then back to Austins. "Yeah, uh- its, Taylor." He said wearily.

Austin then proceeded to stand huffing out a frustrated "fuck me" as he stood. He looked down at me and offered me his hand. I took it but still was confused about who this Taylor was and why it seemed to change his mood so fast. "Im sorry I got to take this, uh, ill see you tomorrow yeah?" He said and I nodded with a shy but disappointed look on my face. "Yeah of course, goodnight" I said as I gave him a quick hug and walked to the door. He grabbed my hand before I walked out of his reach and turned me back to him. "Look Sofia I really am so sorry" He said with an apologetic look on his face. His phone screen lights up again and I give me a forced smile, "its fine really. You clearly have some important things to handle, its no big deal." I walked away before he could see the tears forming in my eyes. Nick was standing inside still. I quickly blinked away the tears that were forming. "Im sorry Sof, she just kept calling so I don't know if it was something important or-" he said to me. "Please Nick, don't apologize. Its really okay. Who is she anyways?" I say curiously. "She's um Austins ex-girlfriend I guess? They were always on and off again but you now how that shit goes. Of fucking course this would happen to me. How could I think this big famous rockstar would even give me the time of day. He's probably got girls lined up around the fucking block and you think your special because he gave you a little bit of attention? Yeah right, he was just being kind and you take it way too far. These were the thoughts that were running through my head. I honestly thought we had a good connection but clearly not if he rather talk to his ex than with me. "Oh," was all I managed to get out. "Look Sof, you guys seemed like you had a serious connection tonight. And he would be stupid not to be interested in a girl like you. You're fucking rad. But he just has to clean up his last mess you know?" He said as he put his hand on my shoulder, "yeah I get it" I say barely above a whisper. "Ill see you tomorrow yeah? Have a goodnight Sof," he said as he gave me a quick hug and headed to his room.

I walked over to where my room for the night was and stripped down into an oversized t-shirt I packed. I washed my face quickly and hopped into bed. I didn't want to cry over a guy I had just met but I couldn't help it. I was sad and drunk, but still sad.

My last relationship, was anything but healthy. My ex, who I genuinely thought I was going to marry, ended up being somebody completely different than who I thought he was. It all started off great and one thing led to another, it went to shit. It started with him gaslighting me subtly and manipulating my feelings. He made me feel like nobody would want me and that he was the only one that could fall for someone like me. I already had some serious abandonment issues and during that time I was just in a state of loneliness and depression. He would then verbally abuse me, which I thought I could just ignore, but it ended up fucking me up more than I thought. My final straw was when I came home from work one day and he was fucking some random girl in our bed. I obviously lost my cool and ended our relationship right there, only he didn't like that. The girl proceeded to leave as he beat the shit out of me. He continued to punch me until I inevitably ended up unconscious. The last words I could remember him screaming at me was how I was a stupid bitch and that I ruined everything. I remember in that moment finally feeling peace; that I wouldn't have to deal with his torture any longer because he was finally putting an end to it. I wasn't scared of death and the thought of it actually brought me happiness. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital bed with Gabe at my side. Apparently he had come over to drop off something for me and walked into me basically dead on the floor and called 911. Two days later, the police found Connor and he's been in prison ever since. He took a plea and was sentenced to 50 years in prison with no opportunity for parole for attempted murder. As I laid on the bed, I let those intrusive thoughts come back. Maybe I wasn't good enough, maybe I don't deserve happiness. I know deep down its not true but it still has an affect on me.

After I stopped crying I made a vow to myself. I will not make myself vulnerable like that anymore. I can't deal with another serious heartbreak, I had barely got through the last one. I decide that night, I will keep things strictly platonic. I can't afford to ruin Adam and Austin relationship or ruin the dynamic of the group. I just need to stay as Adam's sister and that's it.