Memories | Dazai X Reader

Thirteen • Repeats

He's glad he's gotten out of that habit, though."

• • •

"We're planning to stay at the office for the night just to work on it," Oda tells the three of you. You all nod at him, okay with the idea. Ango smiles, "I'll be going then. I'll see you later, Oda, and it was a pleasure to meet all of you."

He takes his leave, walking until a lady stops him to take a cup of coffee. He gives her a brief 'thank you' and continues.

"Couldn't you guys just do it at home?" Chuuya questions, because truly speaking, the job of a writer is pretty flexible and it's fairly easy to work on stuff at home. "We could have," Oda clarifies, "but we thought it would be better that we first work at it here."

Chuuya nods his head slowly, processing what he has just been told. "He sure does work a lot," Dazai says, leaning back and resting one of his arms on the side of the couch. Oda chuckles, "He's work obsessed. Calm, collected, and always doing work of some sort, it's impressive—"

"—Anyway, I'm going to go back to work. I'll see you all in two weeks, but also probably sooner."

Well, with that particular Saturday being Dazai's birthday.

• • •

You get in the car with Chuuya and Dazai, and after you all put on your seatbelts, you turn your head to look over at Dazai, and he—

Just looks so zoned out. As if he's either thinking too much or clearing his mind so that he doesn't have to think about anything at all. That was always a tough battle for Dazai—understanding whether or not he should keep thinking or not. And it sounds stupid to say out loud to someone, because come on, what would they say?

"Don't worry about it! Don't think about it too much!"

All one could really say to that is, "Wow! Thank you so much, I would've never thought of that!"

Maybe that's also an issue, because as Dazai thinks about this exact scenario, the saying 'don't worry about it' feels like it's a stab to the chest. An unpleasant feeling blooms within him and he can't tell if he's supposed to associate the feeling with something bad or something possibly good, because technically, pleasure and pain can be easily confused by the brain—

He turns to look over at you, feeling your eyes burning through him. If you had looked any longer at him, he would become transparent.

Dazai smiles at you, and it hurts to see him smile like that again—to smile but not allow that expression to reach your eyes.

You open your mouth to speak, but suddenly—

"Do you wanna listen to some music?" Chuuya cuts in, seeming like he had no idea what was happening in the backseat. Admittedly, he had seen a bit of what was happening through the mirror, and he knew that he should probably say something before it became awkward.

Both you and Dazai say, "sure."

So Chuuya listens, and the rest of the car ride back to your apartment is filled with hard rock music, because obviously that's what Chuuya's into—

• • •

Once he drops you and Dazai off, the two of you go back into your room. You had stopped to get food on the way home, and you all ate at the place rather than getting take-out. Maybe it took an awful lot of time because it's already noon, but it was nonetheless well spent.

Though Dazai was occasionally lost in his thoughts during the car and the restaurant, he finally speaks.

You lay on his chest while on the bed, and he plays with your hair while blankly staring at the wall in front of him.

"You probably hate talking about this," he whispers, but loud enough for you to hear him quickly. "I've been selfish this entire time, because all I've ever been thinking about is how my amnesia affects me and my life." His eyes don't move from where he's looking, but his vision feels as if it's going blurry as he unfocuses. "It must be really hard to have a person that you know everything about not know anything about you. To feel like there's some things that cannot be said because of it."

"Dazai—"

"—And it just feels really shitty. I don't remember what happened or what exactly I did for the scars under the bandages...but don't you just think that," he looks down at your head, his hands unmoving, "it may have been better if I had just died that night instead?"

Dazai scoffs, "That sounds a lot worse when I say it out loud, because it's stupid to think that given the fact that you love me. Or at least that's what I'd assume because I don't know where your feelings stand now."

He laughs, loud, uncontrollably.

All this time he's been wondering if he fell in love with someone else—not that he'd ever want that to happen—but the thought of you not loving him anymore never crossed his mind until now—

He's still laughing, but it isn't as loud, and all he's thinking is—

He learns something new about his past everyday.

Today? He often doesn't consider other people's feelings.