Get a Grip

1- Hunger Pains

Beidou's pov
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I lean against the railing of the Alcor, watching the water ripple beneath the boat's body. My mind wanders. I'm not sure what I'm doing. In an hour, I'll be in Ritou, delivering some Cor Lapis and some Liyue ingredients. Along with that, there are a few things from Monstadt, and a nice bit of white iron. But for now, I can watch the waves, and distract myself from the pangs of hunger that try to break my resolve.
Honestly, I'm a little surprised. Sure, I'm good at lying, but Ningguang is still clueless. Which, of course, is a good thing. If she knew I was starving myself again, I'd never leave her sight.
...Still, part of me wishes she would. Part of me wishes she'd hold me closer, stay longer, call me beautiful like she used to. But I can't let myself be so juvenile. Those are things she hasn't done in a long time.
Ningguang hasn't noticed my loss of weight, but Kazuha has. Which, slightly infuriating, but at least he's too polite to say anything.
I sigh. I should get ready to unload, shouldn't I? I look over to Kazuha, who's currently steering the Alcor. Typically, I wouldn't even let anyone get close to that area of my ship, but I make an exception for him.
"Hey kid, you ready?" I call, pulling myself away from the railing. He nods and I help him steer my precious boat into the harbor in Ritou.
Thoma's waiting for us, and he helps us unload. All the while, I'm grateful for his constant chatter, yet another thing to distract my stomach. When we finish, Thoma invites us to lunch at the Komore tea house with him and Ayaka, and Kazuha politely accepts.
"Go on ahead," I say, pulling on my carefully crafted smile. "I've got a few things to do back in Liyue, and I'm not very hungry anyway."
Thoma looks disappointed. "Ah, c'mon Beidou, you have to join us! Miss Kamisato would be thrilled!"
I flash him an apologetic smile. "Sorry Thoma, maybe another time. Tell Ayaka I said hi."
Unfortunately, Thoma's rather determined today. "Well, I insist you join! It's been forever since we've gotten together!"
As if things weren't already bad enough, Kazuha joins in. "Come now Beidou, it wouldn't hurt. Thoma's right. It's been too long since we've done this."
With two people against me, I finally relent, writhing inside knowing that I'll have to eat an entire meal with three pairs of eyes to make sure I do.
_-_
I lean over the toilet bowl, taking heaving breaths as bile spills from my mouth. My stomach is once again empty, but I can't stop myself. I need to rid myself of every extra calorie I had today, every ounce of horribly delicious but fattening food.
I look down at the red that has splattered on my thigh. Great. My nose is bleeding. I know I should stop. I need to. But when I try to pull myself off the floor of my bathroom, I end up weakly collapsing against the wall and bursting into tears. The weight of what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, hurts. I'm completely drained, physically and emotionally. I desperately want to run to Ningguang, but I know I can't.
After two hours of pathetic attempts to stand up and crying, I finally manage to stanch my tears and pull myself off the floor.

I'm tired, so tired. But I know this is worth it.

...Right?