Idiots ; Adrian Chase

Chapter 3

We were at HQ, seated around the table. My chair was positioned at the end of the table next to Vigilante. Murn was giving us a presentation on butterflies.

"They enter the body through one of its orifices and burrow through the brain, where they then are in control of the body," Murn lectured to us.

"They go through the butt?" Vigilante asked, referring to the graphic of a butterfly flying up a person's butt. I stifled a laugh.

"I think that's just some creativity on the part of whoever did the animation," Murn said, clearly talking about Economos who then interjected.

"The butt is an orifice, ok?"

"That means they have to crawl through poop. Just because they're aliens, doesn't make them gross. Bigotry," Vigilante spat at Economos. I snickered.

"Superman's an alien. He's got a poop fetish," Peacemaker felt the need to add to the already weird conversation.

"What the fuck is happening right now?" I asked no one in particular, hoping we could move along.

"Get the fuck out of here!" Vigilante exclaimed, ignoring me and very excited to hear this tidbit on Superman.

I blocked the rest of that conversation out until Murn got everyone's attention back to continue his presentation.

"The butterflies' unique genetic structure and chemistry interact with the hosts' bodies, giving them strength far beyond that of a human being."

"And what's the chimp for?" Peacemaker asked.

"Chimpanzees have four times the strength of human beings, so they're both strong," Economos said, offended that Peacemaker couldn't get that right away.

"We were supposed to get that from that?" I asked him and laughed. He was not good at powerpoints.

"I thought that man and the chimp were friends," Vigilante added. "I was thinking they were about to go on an adventure together."

Economos scoffed and rolled his eyes at us. Murn continued on with the presentation. A graphic of an explosion came up with the sound effect and Peacemaker started laughing.

"You fucking suck at powerpoint, Dye-Beard." They argued back and forth like this for a bit until Peacemaker came out with the real reason he was upset with Economos.

"Dude, I didn't mean to put your father in prison." There it was. It was about to get real awkward. Peacemaker started naming celebrities Economos could have used instead. Some were dead, a band and even fictional characters. They continued their argument until Murn stopped them to wrap up the presentation. Economos angrily stood up and walked away when Murn finished.

–

Peacemaker, Adebayo, Vigilante and I were still in HQ packing up for our mission. Adebayo was giving Peacemaker a lecture on how rude he was to Economos and he should try and be nicer.

"That's just Peacemaker, man," Vigilante said as he came from the other room. "He's always giving people nicknames."

"Yeah, thanks," Peacemaker smiled at him.

"Being a bully is just his personality," I added.

"What?" He asked, confused now. "Like how you used to call Adrian's brother Prince Charming."

"His brother was a handsome man. That was a compliment."

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think he considered it a compliment that you called him Prince Charming because his penis was shaped like a scepter," Vigilante said.

"Are you kidding?" Adebayo asked us.

"No, it was really bulbous at the end," Vigilante confirmed. "He called me Thimble."

"Thimble?" She asked again.

"Not anymore," I said, shooting Vigilante a knowing look. He smirked back at me and Adebayo made a very disgusted face.

Vigilante went on to tell her how he was a late bloomer and has no emotions. He and Peacemaker continued telling her nicknames they came up with for other guys' penises.

–

We all sat in the van, headed to the factory. Peacemaker was playing Swedish metal and jamming out in the passenger seat. Harcourt turned it off after a while, which I was secretly thankful for.

"All right, that's enough," she said. "I can't take it."

"Not a fan of Swedish metal?" Peacemaker asked beside her.

"Not especially, no."

"How about some Jazz?" Adebayo asked.

"How about not?" I said.

"Jazz?" Peacemaker started. " I'd rather listen to Vigilante's quiet farts back there than Jazz."

"No I didn't!" Vigilante tried to defend himself. I patted his shoulder, as I was sitting next to him. Peacemaker went on making fart sounds. I couldn't help but laugh a bit.

Conversations went on and I just observed. I laced my fingers with Vigilante's and rested my head on his shoulder while listening to everyone. He squeezed my hand really tight.

Topics changed really fast amongst this group, as everyone was arguing about the music choice now. Well, more specifically Harcourt and Peacemaker. Economos interjected with his suggestion of listening to Hanoi Rocks. Harcourt hadn't heard of them which, of course, offended them. As Peacemaker was getting the CD, Economos rolled up his sleeve, revealing a tattoo?

"Lith Street Kids?" Vigilante asked. I laughed.

"No, it says '11th Street Kids'," Economos said and reminisced about the time he saw them in Finland. As soon as he was finished, 11th Street Kids started playing. Not a minute into the song, it shut off.

"What a shame. We're here," Harcourt deadpanned.

–

We were all surrounding the back of the van, Economos still inside with the tech and Vigilante doing who knows what. I was making sure my suit was secure and all my weapons were on me. Peacemaker couldn't help but bicker with Adebayo.

"I finger bang you, I'm not using my pinky," he said to her.

"That's a disgusting phrase"

"You're just saying that 'cause lesbians don't finger bang." This was already a terrible argument.

"We finger bang more than the rest of the world combined."

"Ok, you're right. I forgot women had fingers for a second."

"How the fuck do you think we grab things?" I asked him and scoffed.

"Not in life, in sex!" He tried to argue.

"So you thought women's fingers just fell of during sex?" I asked.

Behind us, we heard a chainsaw go off. We turned to face where the noise was coming from. It was Vigilante.

"No," Harcourt said, shattering his dreams.

"Hey, I agree with Peacemaker. We can't go in unprepared," he said to her.

"We don't even know if there will be butterflies in there."

"Oh, come on, please?" He asked and she shook her head no. " Ah, fuck! I'm never, ever gonna kill someone with a fucking chainsaw. It's so not fair. Total fucking bullshit."

"You know," I started. "That would be super hot."

"Please," he actually got on his knees and begged Harcourt. She shook her head again. He sighed in defeat. I went over to him and rubbed his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

"Next time," I said, trying to make him feel better.