Superpowers

0 years ago : May 20th 2020

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0 years ago : May 20th 2020

The wall above my desk now looks rather empty. Old polaroids sit in a pile on my bed, discoloured and aged. I stack them up into a box, taking time to look through them. Even though the pictures are faded they shed more light and colour than my life. Like all the pigment has been sucked out of it. Bleak is the only word to describe my life since the accident. Pictures from my past are merely just memories. Memories I will never relive.

The next photo is fairly recent - Liam's birthday, his last birthday. It's a photo my mum took moments before he blew out his candles, looking happier than ever. Little did we know we'd be attending his funeral only a few weeks later.

A single tear drops onto the plastic. I watch it tumble down the polaroid, until it finally gets wiped off with the pad of my thumb. The more I flick through the photos, the more tears I have to wipe. I can't remember the last time I properly cried, probably Liam's funeral. But since then, nothing. In all honesty, I try not to think about Liam.

Because I know that if I do, I'll spiral into the same darkness I felt when he just died.

l make my way to Ezra's room, knowing exactly what I want to find. Moving things out of the way, I find myself at the back of his closet with a big plastic IKEA box in my hands. I select a bottle of Gordon's pink gin then walk back to my room, taking sips the whole way.

By the time I'm back in my bed, I'm almost halfway through the bottle. My visions blurred and I can't even sit up straight.

I'm still crying.

In fact, I'm crying harder than before. Harder than I have in a long time.

Warm tears make my cheeks wet, and so does the gin that drips slightly out of my mouth as I chug it, making a sloppy mess. My head aches at the sight of the pictures, Liam's smiling face lighting up the photo.

He was only a child.

He was only a fucking child.

And now he's fucking dead.

How is he gone? How? He should be here with me. With Levi. With his parents. How is he fucking gone?

I push the box of polaroids off my bed, so that they're now scattered on the floor. Tucking my knees under my chin, I sob uncontrollably until I almost can't breathe. Still draining the bottle, I get on my hands and knees, crawling to pick up the photos. More and more features Liam and now all i can think about is him.

How could he be gone?

Swallowing the remainders of the bottle, I throw it against the wall, waiting until I hear a loud smash. At least nobody's home. My hands slices against a shard as I try to pick up more photos in desperation. Liam. Liam. Liam.

All I can see is him.

The images of his washed up body scarring my mind. How did you end up there Liam? Tell me what happened-

"Allie? ALLIE!"

Levi shakes my limp body that's laying across my wooden floor and broken glass. His arms lift me up but I fight against him.

"Liam...let me see Liam..." Scrambling out of his arms, I pick up as many photos of Liam as I can. They get mixed up with shards of glass causing me to get pricked by the sharp corners.

Levi lifts up my body, cradling me in his arms, "Allie, stop your covered in glass-"

"Get off me! Levi I said get off! Please, let me see Liam...please!"

My speech is slurred due to the alcohol and I find it hard to see what's happening. I don't even feel the pain anymore.

I feel nothing anymore.

"Liam..."

Levi lays me on my bed and climbs in with me. My body rests on his chest as I sob into his shirt. Gently, he strokes my hair over and over until my sobs become quiet. He says my name on repeat, kissing my forehead every so often. My dribble has made a little puddle on his clothes but he doesn't seem to care.

All he seems to care about is me.

"What did you drink..." I don't answer Levi, "Allie, tell me what did you drink?"

I point to the remaining piece of the bottle, "Gin."

He shakes his head and holds me close, taking the photos of Liam out of my hands. I can feel him stop when he realises what I was looking at. For a long time, neither of us say anything. I could see - even though he tried hard to hide it - Levi's eyes are shining with tears; he mutters something to himself but he says it so quietly that I couldn't hear it.

But if i'm honest, i don't think it was something i was meant to hear.

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Over the next few hours, we just lie on the bed together, looking through the photos of Liam. Not once does Levi cry. But I guess we all have our ways of dealing with pain.

"I miss him so much, Allie. I miss him so fucking much."

Levi stares at the same photo he's been looking at for 10 minutes. It's a picture of Levi and Liam on holiday last year. A day before the accident. Levi's arm is stretched around Liam's shoulder lazily since there's over a foot difference in height. They're both smiling at each other in swimming trunks just about to jump into the ocean. They're completely identical apart from the age difference and the fact Levi has tattoos covering his top half.

Happy.

They look happy.

"I still can't believe he's gone. Even after months of him being dead...it still hasn't really settled in. And like, of course I know he's dead. Everyone does. But I can't help but hope that it's all a dream, that nothing ever happened to him and I'll just wake up and he'll be there. He'd be alive."

He gulps, looking up towards the ceiling and closing his eyes. I can tell he's trying to keep the tears in to try and keep up his facade. He mutters under his breath, repeating the same words over and over, "It was my fault. It was my fault. It was all my fucking fault." His chest is rising as he breathes heavier, each inhale getting deeper each time. Pulling him close to me, I clamber onto his body and hold his face in my hands.

"It wasn't your fault Levi. Nobody knows that. You don't even know it."

"It was Allie. I just know it was."

Levi looks me in the eye, shrugging as if he's accepting his fate, only his face is telling me differently. Sadness washes over his features, a sorrowful look of guilty grief in his eyes. Shuffling slightly down, Levi rests his head on the pillow, making sure to not move me away from him as he does it. He pulls me against him, in a comforting sort of way, until we're tight against each other.

It feels nice.

It's weird because I'm never usually this close to him but...it's nice.

At least it takes my mind off everything from today.

My head still throbs a stabbing pain but each time Levi strokes my forehead, a little bit more pain leaves. Shivering, I pull the duvet over our entwined bodies so it's almost over my head. Tugging Levi's arms closer around me, I can feel himself pressing into my body as he snores softly into my ear.

Darkness tunnels my vision until I'm fast asleep in Levi's arms.

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