My ED Diary- A Battle continues

My Story🎀

Hey. So where should I start?

For the past 4 years of my life, I have been struggling with bulimia. In more specific ways binging and puking and that in an excessive amount. I am currently 19 years old and still seek the dream weight that I always wanted.

I always felt bad about my body. I always hated it so much. For information, I am only 158cm tall so the fat I had, stored pretty much everywhere besides where I wanted it to...

so since I was younger I always felt inferior and too ugly to those beautiful girls with their beautiful bodies and perfect faces without make-up and stuff. I was very insecure, and I still am sometimes.

that's when I decided maybe if I lost weight I would be as pretty as them. and I lost weight from 58 to 54kg. Then my eating disorder began. I got into Tumblr where all the pro-ana and pro-mia stuff was posted and my young brain was too stupid to understand the damage this all would cause. So I started with eating so less, following diets (dangerous diets), and sooner or later got to puking, because I thought it wouldn't stick to my body, I could eat what I want and I will lose weight.

And that was when everything went wrong.

So my puking over time became an addiction. There were almost no days where I didn't puke and on some days in my most extreme phase I would even go to the grocery store, buy tons of sweets binge on them, and puke them out. Several times a day.

It got really bad, I looked really bad. I was pale, I never had energy, I was constantly bloated, I was irritated, angry, depressed, sad, disgusted and most importantly I was gaining weight rather than losing it. And my life got so much worse, I tried to end it, but now today I am very thankful I didn't.

My parents found out one day and it caused lots of shame. I felt so guilty and full of shit because it was not my fault and everyone would always blame me and make me feel like a failure. I hated everything. My life. Myself, Everyone

Because no one would and will ever understand the pressure to be thin, the thoughts in your head, the restrictive behavior, the controlling feeling of the ed, always thinking about food and it constantly ruining you and your life.

But then I went to therapy.

And I must say it got better. I learned more about how to cope and change my style of living. I finished school and I even glowed up a bit and started university.

But now after 4 years I still want to lose the weight. The desire to be so thin is still so vivid and big in my head.

My only problem? I don't believe in myself anymore.

Every time I started a diet and I pushed through for a month or more lost until my lowest was 48kg and then gained it all back because I started binging again. And everyone always called me a failure, that I will never achieve it if I would just stop and what would be wrong with me.

After years of trying over and over again and failing again, I feel so weak and powerless. And I feel like I will never be able to achieve that.

Nobody will ever understand the damage it did to me and how this feels, these thoughts that will never stop haunting me and directing my life.

I feel so hopeless that I will never be skinny in my life because I always fail, again and again, and again...

So from this point today I did 2 months of weight loss. I currently weigh 49-50kg approximately and I just failed 2 times. 2 times of binging and puking. and it wasn't after one another . it wasn't even a week. yet people told me how disappointed they are in me thus they never understand how it fucking feels to suffer like this every day.

I am not starting a new but continuing my journey to my goal and even tho I feel like I ruined everything again and I could cry from this moment right now it is still better than ever. 

I still feel like I will never lose weight and always keep up binging and puking but it got so less already ,2 days won't mean anything if I just continue to my goals now. SO this is why I started this whole blog.

and with that said, from always being sick and tired of trying, and thinking I will never be skinny I will never be like that I am currently giving up on myself. I can never achieve it probably.

But I don't want to give up even tho my whole body says give up. I WANT to fucking do it. Once and for all. I am sick of this suffering. and I could cry every day not being able to be like that, like the perfect and skinny.

I know it is all stupid but it is my goal so here I take you with me on this journey to stop puking once and for all and reduce and despite failing still losing weight.

Everyone has their story, and this is mine so please treat everyone's story with respect, cause I am sharing my most vulnerable side with every one of you out there. 

Please respect all the feelings I shared.

All I can say is, it's been a hard fucking road and it is still going on. The days I spend crying, dying inside, and still being misunderstood by friends and family has been the worst out of my life, and even tho I am getting better, No one will ever understand the way I suffered and still do and get the feeling I felt from being the worst, a failure, a disappointment, a nobody, a disgusting, ugly, worthless human being that will never be skinny. So please everyone

Stay safe, take care of yourself, and don't shame someone for their eating disorder

Cause it is the worst thing ever that could ruin you and your life forever