From Shadows to Starlight

Forward March

Chapter Thirty-nine

“Let destruction come upon him when he does not know it! And let the net that he hid ensnare him; let him fall into it—to his destruction!”—Psalm 35:8

Forward March

Erik felt a deep pain in his chest stronger than any he had felt before, like his heart was being pierced through with a sword and being crushed with a stone both at once. He bowed his head in shame and sorrow; he could no longer bear to look into Alana’s eyes. He could not watch her leave him.

He hid the side of his face with a hand and waited for her to tell him goodbye, or to hear her footsteps as she away. But there was no sound from anywhere but the sound of his own heart racing, dying.

And then there was a soft, warm touch on the hand that hid his face. Slowly, he set it down, and brought his gaze up from the ground.

Alana stared back at him, her eyes still brimming with tears. He looked down at the floor again, too ashamed to speak or even look at her. She kept hold of his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. “Look at me,” she whispered.

“I can’t…”

“What?”

“I can’t…I don’t even deserve to look at you…I don’t deserve anything. You should have just let me die that night at the river…no. You should have left me long before that.” He sighed, and at last he met her gaze. “I am so sorry that you had to meet me, Alana Valjean. You did nothing to deserve such a fate.”

As he spoke he saw her expression change from sadness to shock. “No!” She shook her head. “No…” Another tear ran down her face, and he reached across to wipe it from her cheek.

“Don’t you see?” he asked her. “Think of all the sorrow I have brought to you. It would have been better if you had never even met me…”

“Stop it!” She interrupted, her voice cracking on the words. “Don’t say that, Erik. You saved my life, you helped bring me to my family, and you’ve brought me so much happiness…”

“I have brought you too many tears,” Erik said, fighting tears of his own. “Far too many, sweet Alana.” He coughed, feeling the effects of the fever that still raged in his body. “Please, for your own sake, leave this place. Forget me. Forget all of this…” Dark memories of the past stirred in his mind. Is this always the way things end? With my evil deeds driving someone away, and with myself, warning them away from me and begging them to forget?

“I could never forget you, Erik,” Alana said, trying and failing to recover herself. She choked on a sob. “I won’t. And I won’t leave you either.”

“Why?” He stared at her. “Why not?”

“Because I love you.” She took his other hand and held them both in her own.

“But how?”

She paused to think a moment. “I don’t know…” She let out a small, sad laugh. “I don’t know! But I do love you Erik, more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my life.”

“But…”

“I know you’ve done terrible, awful things in your life before, and God knows it breaks my heart to hear it. But you’ve suffered so much, and I can see why you might have done what you did. And I know that today you are not the same person who did those things. I’ve seen you change so much just since the day I met you.” She broke off, searching for words. “I can’t explain it…but I feel…like nothing you do could ever make me want to leave you.”