Don't blink, Claude.

Prologue

I can hate you or be disappointed at how you turned out to be, In fact there are a lot of things I can feel but how do I actually feel? That’s what I’ve been asking myself for 7 month now.  7 month of feeling useless and 7 month of “he wasn’t worth it” and “you can do better”, I’ve had 7 month of dealing with utter crap. Was it hell? Not at first, if I was to compare it to death, it would be the slow type of the death. The kind where you don’t know you are dying and then slowly you start to realize what is happening to your body and the pain just keeps building up, and demands to be felt. Your chest tightens and your breathing becomes harder then ever. I think that was a good description not just of the 7 month but of my whole journey, a journey that involves you. This is the first of many of our memories you’ll read about, memories about us, memories about me and memories about you. These memories aren’t there to make you come back but they exist to make you weep from reading the pain you’ve caused me. I wrote them out Sullenness. So here’s my goodbye letter, welcome to hell. Before I begin I’d like you to know that you do in fact get to choose who hurts you, I like my choice I hope you like yours.

Let me describe how I see you through my eyes, you’re tall at least taller then me that’s for sure, you have short brown hair and olive skin. You are clumsy, if that’s even the right word. You were naturally funny and awkward at phone calls. Basically you aren’t someone anyone would dare to like normally, it’s just plain awkward. Which makes me tongue-tied that you did what you did. I have been known for being obscure, with that came the little known fact which is that I like you, Claud, in my first letter you come to find out one thing, that is I most likely, liked you longer then you would have liked me. For anyone else that’s reading yes he liked me too, just like you Claud, I’m not that likeable.  I don’t go on a lot of “dates” which is what I also learned about you. I was aware liking you was awkward but I’ll be honest I didn’t fully understand how come.

These letters will remind you of love, that trust me, Claud Day, you will never feel again, not like the way you have at least. As I’m writing I’m also texting my boyfriend whom I based the knowledge of never feeling love like ours off. He can love me and treat me perfectly but love like what we had is now buried 10 miles down. This was the love that they wrote books and songs about, the story was a love story to end all even after our romance turned into a tragedy. I can just imagine your shocked facial expression and I haven’t even began getting really into it, Remember this one goes out to you.

Help me get out of this Labyrinth that you’ve trapped me in.

It’s been about five month, and still you manage to make it into my train of thoughts. I have so many questions that you’ve walked away from, you’ve walked away from me, my questions and our slowly fading memory. Maybe if I deserved this, Maybe If I wasn’t giving you everything, this would make more sense. Maybe if I wasn’t making you my everything, this would make more sense. Nothing makes  sense at all anymore. I can blame the new school you go to, the fact that you are growing up, the new friends you’ve made but all of it still doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m just uninteresting, but yet that still doesn’t make sense. We understood one another without even speaking, I was so comfortable around you, I could cry next to you, come with my hair up, no make-up to your house, you saw me in my fucking PJ’s. I was rarely like that with anyone else. Even our fellow best friend Liam.

It’s funny thinking about it now, but because of you and Liam I was known as a slut around school, why might you ask? Well other then us three being known as the Musketeers we were also known for having threesomes. Did you know about this? Of course you did, what’s shocking is when you never denied it. I can also point fingers at Liam but he didn’t have a clue about these rumors, you did. You knew what people said about me, about us and you didn’t stop them. I would have stopped them had I known at the time that I was being referred to as the girl who had threesomes with her two best friends. Isn’t it funny, it’s hilarious how because you didn’t stop them, I’m now the slut everyone knows me as. I try to live up to my name, but lets face it you and I both know that I’m no school slut, just a bitchy sweetheart.