WHEN THINGS GO SOUTH

Chapter 16 - How To Save A Life

Alcohol was all that stood in the way of our happiness. When Anthony was away for those ninety days, it was hard, not just hard to take care of the farm, the house, and the kids alone; it was just hard not having him there to hold me at night.

I missed his arms wrapped around my waist and the warmth of his body. I missed his kiss on my forehead every morning and his voice singing in the shower.

Most nights after I would put Jordan and Rhett to bed, I lay in bed and listen over and over to the song Anthony used to play to me:

"I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around

I know what's at stake. I know I've let you down

But if you give me a chance, believe that I can change

I'll keep us together whatever it takes."

I believed he could change. I wish he believed in himself the way I believed in him.

Finally, October 25th has arrived, the kids and I are making the three-hour drive to Mt. Clare to pick up Anthony. Jordan and Rhett are so excited.

Jordan has brought along pictures she has made over the last three months so that Anthony wouldn't miss anything while he was gone.

Rhett had brought a Ziplock bag full of all the blue M&M's he saved for him. Every time he got a bag, he would make sure not to eat the blue ones; those were his Daddy's favorite. Finally, we pull into the parking lot at Cape Cumberland Rehabilitation Center.

Anthony walks down the sidewalk in his white polo and blue jeans, sunglasses, and blue Yankees cap. The closer he gets, I can see that black velvet smile, he still had it, and I was still as attracted to him that day, as I was the first day I met him. Ninety days have seemed like an eternity.

At home, Anthony is on the right track. He's excelling at work, and he spends every minute he has with the kids and me. After work, he is outside playing ball with Rhett, riding horses with Jordan, or inside helping me with the cooking, the laundry, whatever he can do. Anthony knows to stay busy and keep his hands and mind occupied. I know he needs to stay busy; Granny Ree always said, "Idle hands are the devil's playground."

That summer, we take a beach vacation, we have a wonderful time, but unfortunately, that is when Anthony fell off track again. I wake up several nights at our cottage and Anthony isn't in bed. When I walk out to the balcony, I can see a shadow of Anthony sitting on the beach in an Adirondack chair with a cooler beside him. Just Anthony, alone on the beach, just him and his vice, with the full moon's glow dancing on the ocean while the waves gently damp the sand. The world around him is tranquil, calm, but there is a battle raging inside of him. So badly, I wish I knew his thoughts.

How could you look at the sea and think of anything but peace and God? I always felt closer to my spiritual side at the ocean; it'ss like church for me.

When we return home, the drinking and the arguing over the drinking progresses. This can't be my life; this is not the life I had planned. This is like the same one I grew up in: arguing and fighting. I couldn't break the cycle.

On Wednesday after work, Anthony drives to Winchester to buy alcohol and rent a hotel room. After a couple of days, I call Anthony, "Do you need me to come to get you?" Anthony replies, "No, I'm okay. I will be home in a couple of days."

Anthony doesn't sound okay, but he never does during those times. By the time Saturday comes around, and Anthony isn't home, I think about going to get him again, but I am so upset with him.

He locks himself away and doesn't answer the phone for days; what if something had happened to me and the kids, or his father? He wouldn't know until it was too late. After saying the kids' prayers with them that Saturday night, I tuck them in and go to bed. I can't sleep. I have this need to reach out to Anthony. I can't save him, but I knew who can. I text Anthony, "I can only imagine the shape you are in right now. I know you are so tired of this. Pray, Anthony, pray for God to take this burden from you. If you can't get on your knees, then pray where you are, but give it all over to God and let him take care of it. He will, Anthony. A million miles."