Heartbeat (ON-HOLD)

Chapter 22.

 
Yumi’s POV
 
I feel scared. They saw me, Fatima, Ate Ashtine, and------ her, Bianca. I tried to calm myself, I tried--- but I can’t. I fucking can’t. I’m still not healed. Shit.
 
I saw how she looked at me. She’s scared, I know. She’s fucking scared. And I’m also scared. I want to run and chase after her and tell her not to be scared but I can’t. Because I’m also scared.
 
I need Sandy with me. I needed Adi. I needed her. She’s the one who can always calm me. Only her.
 
I looked at Heart, she nods and followed Bianca.
 
I am calm now. Coleen did a great job calming me. AGAIN. I’m still depending too much on her? Oh God. I thought I’m okay. I’m sorry Adi.
 
Kuya Mari came running handing Sandy to Max. I immediately grab the plushie. This plushie is my comfort zone lalo na pag wala si Coco.
 
Flashback
 
“Coleen” I screamed out, panting. I looked around. Its my room. Where’s Coco? No, no, No. She left me? Iniwan din niya ako? No. Please. I saw the door opened.
 
“Hey. Hey Meng. Its fine, I’m here.” Coco said running towards me.
 
“Bakit mo ako iniwan?” tanong ko, clinging into her
 
“I need to pass our requirements Meng. Sumaglit lang ako sa school. Thank God, they accepted your papers, but you still need to take your exams para maka-graduate ka” sabi nito
 
“oh. I thought iniwan mo na din ako” sabi ko
 
“You know I will never do that right?” sabi nito, assuring me na she’s telling the truth
 
“Okay I trust you Adi” I said
 
“Adi?” she asks
 
“I want to call you that. You’re a blessing from God Adi. I will always thank Him for letting me meet you, you know?” Sabi ko. She’s teary eyed.
 
“Aww. I--- Thank you. Can I call you Adi, too?” sabi niya
 
“Of course. We are each others blessings you know. Except if you find me a burden, then I’m not an Adi” sabi ko.
 
“Am I a burden Adi? Everyone’s telling me not to depend on you that much, since, I am going back to the Philippines And--- I--- I can’t Adi. Can I stay here?” sabi ko
 
“First of all, you are not a burden to me, okay? They are just worried, but they are right, you need to learn how to be dependent to yourself Adi. Hindi sa lahat ng bagay, I’m by your side. You can always call me, I assure you that but, I have a life outside this. Do you get what I’m trying to say?” sabi niya waiting for my answer bago niya ituloy yung sasabihing niya

I nod.

“Okay. So what they are trying to say is, thay want the strong independent Yumi back---“
 
“Its gone. She’s gone. That Yumi is gone Adi--- She—I can’t--- She’s not coming back”
 
“Shhh. Its okay. One step at a time. You’re just scared. I know its still there, we are not forcing you babe. We are just here, at your back. I’m always be here. I promise. One step at a time.” she said.I nod and hides my face on her neck.
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“Adi. I’m going to school today” sabi ko kay Coco through message.
 
Coleen is not living here in our house anymore. After she gave me that squirrel plushie which I named Sandy from the Spongebob squarepants. I love that cartoon.
I eventually managed to not depend on Coco that much. I’m trying. One step at a time. The plushie she gave me, became her replacement every night. Dati I can’t sleep without her by my side, now I can as long as Sandy is with me.
Hindi madali. Sobrang hirap. I’m still attending to my therapist for almost a year now. Unti-unti, I’m getting better. Better than worst right?
 
Hindi pa rin maalis sa sistema ko na everytime I have attacks, kailangan ko pa rin si Coco. Yun ang mahirap alisin sa sistema ko. Yun ang walang improvement.
 
I want to be fully healed. I need to help myself, to help Coco. Kahit sabihin pa niya okay lang yung ginagawa ko, still, I can’t help myself to feel guilty. She has a life outside the circle I built around us. I don’t want to be possessive of her, but I can’t help. I need her. I really need her.
 
I tried. One time. Ni-try ko ilipat kay Heart, she can calm me but not much as Coco can. I am an idiot. Hinayaan ko yung sarili ko na magdepend sa kanya, unang una palang dapat pinigilan ko na yung sarili ko and stand on my own, pero hindi ko kinaya. Sometimes, kailangan mo rin ng tulong ng iba para sa mas ikabubuti ng iyang kalusugan. Ginawa ko naman, humingi ako ng tulong, kay Coco,kaya lang sumobra. I became so comfortable around her to the point na I can’t make my own decisions without her opinion first.
 I thought it was okay, hinayaan niya ako e. Now I’m realizing things. Nasasakal na kaya siya sa akin? She’s too kind, I swear. Sobrang bait niya. I don’t deserve her. Oh my Adi. I’m sorry. I really am.
 
I snapped out at my thoughts when I suddendly heard a car honk outside.