2:1
(enter Banquo and Fleance. It's nighttime. Banquo is holding Fleance up with one hand, and a flashlight in the other.)
BANQUO: What time is it?
FLEANCE: (insert cat noise here)
(Banquo looks at him with a very done™ expression on his face.)
BANQUO: Son, we have to be careful. It's very dark.
(a thud and clatter in the background. enter Macbeth.)
BANQUO, holding his flashlight up menacingly: Who's thEre?-
MACBETH: Your boyfriend?
(Banquo flashes the flashlight in poor Beth's eyes. He almost falls over because he didn't adjust to it.)
BANQUO: Dude, go sleep. It's late and Duncan left you merchandise in your room.
MACBETH: Epic! (He dabs.)
BANQUO: Yeah but uh. I have been. Thinking. About the witches. I mean, part of what they said was true, right?
MACBETH, who is a professional procrastinator: Don't worry, we'll talk about it later. Probably.
(Fleance is just standing there. menacingly. or, as menacing as a small cat can be.)
BANQUO: Alright, good night! Promise me you'll actually sleep.
(exit Banquo, with Fleance.)
MACBETH: I will! Love you!
BANQUO, off stage/screen/whatever: Love you too!
MACBETH: Ohoho, funny magic knife. Duncan's gonna be purged, baby!
(exit Macbeth.)
2:2
(enter Lady Macbeth. she's sitting on an office chair. you know how in the Office they have those interview segments or something? like that.)
LADY MAC: Look, I would have banned him myself, but it's funnier if Mac does it. Also Duncan makes me cringe.
(enter Macbeth.)
MACBETH: Arright, I did it. Did anyone DM you or anything? Duncan's friend who i forgot the name of asked me about it.
LADY MAC: I thought you were using their computer???
MACBETH: Yeah???
LADY MAC: ...Damn. We'll sort it out, with the power of girlbossing.
MACBETH: ... I feel really bad now. I think I'm going insane. (Macbeth has his head in his hands as he says this. He's a pathetic little man who is definitely a bottom.)
LADY MAC: Shut it, no-one's gonna know. You got this, dude. (someone knocks on their door.) Fuck- (cut to next scene.)
2:3
(enter the Porter, who is literally the most irrelevant character in the whole thing.)
PORTER: Oh hey, I'm coming out of lurking to say a big Wall of Text™. Remember meeeee!
(enter Macduff, my beloved, and Lennox.)
MACDUFF: Why the FUCK are you awake? it is. 3am.
PORTER: Sleep schedules are for wimps. :3
MACDUFF: Yeah no, go to sleep, rn.
(exit Porter, enter Macbeth.)
MACDUFF: Hey man, where's Duncan?
MACBETH, who is a himbo™: ... Ah. Go, um, check?
(Macduff whips out his laptop from his backpack. God knows how he can fit both that and a real ass goddamn sword in there. Anyways, he looks up from it in shock.)
MACDUFF: I... Duncan's not on there. Wh-
LENNOX, who has just been vibing thus far: (pauses lofi playlist) He what now?-
(Macduff @s everyone in the discord server.)
MACDUFF: I AIN'T GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF Y'ALL, NOW Y'ALL AIN'T GET NO SLEEP 'CAUSE OF ME! (but like. In a Scottish accent. Everyone's Scottish.)
(enter Banquo and Malcolm. Banquo is sobbing. Malcolm falls on his face because he's asleep.)
BANQUO: Did you really have to, dude?-
MACDUFF: - The King's been kicked off the server. We don't know who by, but that's kinda sus.
(Macduff picks Malcolm up and carries him bridal style. You can see him blushing, if you squint...)
(enter Lady Macbeth.)
LADY MAC: Duff, I thought you had the group's collective braincell. What happened?
MACDUFF: Nah man, you wouldn't care-
LENNOX: -Duncan's been banned from our server.
LADY MAC: Oh, okay. (she discreetly fistbumps Macbeth.)
(enter Donalbain. Unfortunately. Malcolm wakes up. Duff promptly drops him on the floor.)
DONALBAIN: What????
MACDUFF, who frankly does not want to explain yet again: (sigh) Duncan's not on the server anymore.
LENNOX: One of the guards did it, apparently.
MACBETH: Oh yeah, I kicked them too.
MACDUFF: Wh. W h y.
MACBETH: For banning Duncan! uwu
BANQUO: How did you- nevermind.
(Lady Macbeth falls over because she's tired too. Lennox drags her out.)
MACDUFF: Okay, we'll discuss in the morning. Everyone sleep.
(exeunt all but Malcolm and Donalbain.)
DONALBAIN: Welp. Watch me ditch these nerds. I'll stay at my place until everyone chills.
MALCOLM, who is half asleep: Okaaay, imma take a break from the server then. :) you have fun!
(exeunt.)
2:4
(Enter Ross and Macduff.)
ROSS: So, uh, who do you think did it?
MACDUFF: Did what?
ROSS: Duncan.
MACDUFF, going full Detective Mode™: Well, the guards sent the announcement, right? So it's probably them. However, Donalbain and Malcolm left the server right afterwards. (He looks a bit anxious, for some reason.) That's... kinda sus.
ROSS: Hmm. Who'll take ownership though?
MACDUFF: Macbeth's responsible enough, we're passing ownership onto him.
ROSS: Okay. (he pauses.) Have fun simping, dude.
(Macduff sighs - he just remembered that. God fucking dammit.)
(exeunt.)
- | <> | -
Oh yeah. Macbeth and Banquo are dating. I forgot about that. Also Macduff and Malcolm are pining for each other, they're just idiots. See? Gay.
There's this running joke that Banquo does not know how to use emoticons. It's very funny, in my unprofessional opinion.
- Shellington
YOU ARE READING
mcdeath™
Humori basically made umm a rewrite of macbeth! it's a modern au, everyone has discord, and everyone's gay. (i also have it on ao3!!) this is meant to be lighthearted and funny, as you can see by the cover ^^
