Apricity || P.SH.

chapter nineteen

Shiwoos PoV

„We were so worried about you!", Herin shouted and pulled me into her arms, as soon as I entered the house.

„Yes, I know. Sorry, Unnie."

Sami smiled behind her. „We are just glad that you are well", she assured me gently.

„And thank you, Sunghoon", Sami spoke in his direction. He just waved this off and smiled gently.

„I would do it again and again", he admitted and grinned at me. I felt my cheeks heat up and looked to the side. The scenes from half an hour ago repeated in my head. I had not yet completely processed what happened. And it didn't really hit me, until I was laying in my bed at 10 p.m.

You are with him. You're in a relationship with Park freaking Sunghoon.

I smiled gently in pure euphoria. It was so surreal to me like some stupid teenage dream. Was I hallucinating? Was this all just some illusion, some made up fantasy? My fingers touched my lips, as I still could feel Sunghoons against them like a few hours ago.

It tingled inside of me, an uncontrollable elation taking over me like so many times today. It was so new to me, but it was like I could finally be the young teenager I actually was. Not the professional Idol I had to be all the time.

A sudden panic hit me. As much as I had hoped to get better, just because I was in a relationship, my problems weren't solved. And so I couldnt help, but let my intrusive thoughts take over once again.

It will go wrong again. You don't even deserve him. He is much better than you. He will leave you as soon as he finds someone better.

You're just not enough.

With tears pilling up in my eyes, I sat up and stared at the wall in the dark. My breathing went far too fast when I got up and tried not to stumble over anything.

Arrived safely in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror, myself directly in the eyes. For a moment it was as if I didn't recognise myself when I looked at myself like that. Tired eyes with dark circles underlining them, dry lips, overall pale. I quickly splashed some cold water in my face before I made my way back to my room.

The nights and even days of the next few weeks went exactly the same way, except that it got worse and worse from night to night, day to day. The fact that Sunghoon and I could hardly meet in person, of course, but often only texted each other, did not help me either.

„Are you all right, Shiwoo? You seem so absent", Hungcha asked worried while we took a break from training.

I smiled and nodded. „Of course."

As soon as I turned away, I dropped my smile and sighed. The painful stinging sensation in my chest hadn't left for the past few days and it was starting to get almost unbearable.

You are nothing.

„Be quiet", I hissed tormented.

„Huh?", asked Yungcheon, who I almost ran into.

„Oh, nothing. Im going to the toilet really quick", I uttered and disappeared from the studio.

Nobody needs you. They wouldn't even notice if you were just gone. They wouldn't even care. You are simply worthless.

Why are they back again? They were gone for so long. I had hoped that I would never have to hear these voices again.

But now they were suddenly back. Just right away from now on. Silent tears rolled down on my cheeks as I walked down the hallway.