Monopoly | Norenmin

too much

"Nana, you can't do that," Jeno scolded, lightly hitting Jaemin's shoulder as they walked.
Jaemin shrugged through his giggles, "oh, they had it coming didn't they?"
Jeno sighed in slight disappointment, headbutting Jaemin's shoulder a little.
Renjun simply nodded beside them. Jaemin had all the right to fuss in his opinion but he didn't feel like contributing to be honest. He just wanted to observe. Jaemin and Jeno were an ideal couple, it would be stupid to try and break it. Gorgeous people who fit so perfectly together, Jaemin's chaos controlled perfectly by Jeno's calmness. They stood beside each other and looked complete, whole. They fit like puzzle pieces meant only for one another. Whether Renjun liked it or not, Jaemin and Jeno were the perfect couple, now more than ever.

From what Jaemin had said, he and Jeno spoke a lot about the things that were on their mind. They would lean on each other and Jaemin could never lose him. Anyone could tell from the way he spoke about him, let alone the amount. Jaemin would unconsciously mention him at least 50 times in a conversation, if it was intentional it was one hell of a ride. He didn't want to let go of him. He never wanted to. Renjun didn't want them to lose one another. They held onto one another for support, for love, for a sense of home. You could see it in Jeno as well, the way his eyes loved every part of Jaemin's being. Renjun liked to watch Jeno admire Jaemin wherever he was. Even if Jeno knew that everyone was laughing at him for being so in love with Jaemin, he wouldn't care. He loved to curl next to Jaemin, he loved his affection, which was rare for him. They would always find one another, Jeno playing with the hair on Jaemin's neck, Jaemin's eyes following Jeno's every move.

Renjun would never be a part of that.

He never could be.

Forget everything he had ever done, Renjun could never fit himself into their piece, hell he wasn't even a part of the same puzzle. No matter how much Renjun loved both of them, how much he yearned, no matter how much he cared, that could never stop two people in love. Not with that level of love. Renjun couldn't even try to carve himself into a matching piece for them, it wouldn't be the same. It would never be enough. He was going to be watching from afar no matter what he did. Jeno and Jaemin were complete. He wasn't supposed to be a part of it. He let them both take up his entire space, every crevice filled with slivers of them, growing into the roots of his brain for nothing. All it did was leave him broke and relying on them for something that they would never give. Whatever he wanted had to be thrown out.

He looked up at them, Jaemin smiling and chatting to Jeno about something he didn't know about. He was on the outskirts.

At least they were okay though. Despite the fact that Renjun felt like he was falling apart all over again at least they were okay. It's all he wanted at this point. It was the only thing he could gain at this point. They were happy and in the end, that was the goal, wasn't it? Jaemin and Jeno were happy. Renjun was grateful for that. That they came out stronger. They were perfect without him. The thought that no matter what he did, he didn't shatter them put a smile on his face, a sad one, but one nevertheless.

Renjun decided to stop walking with them. The two were in their own world anyway, they wouldn't notice. He was tired of crying so much over all of this but he couldn't help it. He was glad, but that didn't make it hurt any less. They were so far out of reach even the stars couldn't catch up. An ever expanding universe and it still wouldn't even touch them.
He choked a little, just wanting to run somewhere and be alone. It wasn't fair. But at the same time, it was ideal. They were okay. They were happy. It's all that mattered. It's something that he kept reminding himself of. There would never be an 'us' or 'we' if he were to speak of them. It would only ever be a 'them' and 'himself'.

He walked backwards a bit, covering his mouth in order to make sure he wouldn't make much of a noise. It was all for the best. He stuck around for Jeno, and now he was going to make sure to distance himself from them for himself. He was cruel to himself and others, but everyone had their limits.
As soon as he knew he was out of earshot, he gasped, eyes focused on the ground and refusing to move. He was miserable looking at them any longer. He loved them and it hurt to do so.

But at the same time, he couldn't help himself. He looked up, just to see. Just to live vicariously through them all over again.
It seemed that they had noticed that he had left though, both now looking back at him in concern. Jeno asked if he was okay, Jaemin starting to walk back toward him holding Jeno's hand. But Renjun waved them off, making up an arbitrary excuse and powering off in the opposite direction of them. He didn't care if it was believable or not. He just wanted to be alone. Somewhere. Anywhere.

He found himself in the practice room again. Where he danced with Jaemin. Where he cried over Jeno. He had been back here after Donghyuck had come back, helping him practice their piece for a while, but it was different this time. This was his place of grieving over something so fucking stupid. He hated crying over something so trivial to the rest of the world and yet here he was, curling up in a ball in the corner of an empty practice room, avoiding his lectures, avoiding the world, just to do that. To cry. To long for love from people who couldn't fit more into their hearts. He tried to recollect himself as he silently cried, burying into himself.

"You're lucky Jeno and Jaemin both know me and your safe space, dickhead."

"Fuck off," Renjun cried, trying to turn away into the corner but was stopped. At least he didn't turn on the lights so he could just die in the dark.
"You little dramatic piece of shit," Donghyuck sat down next to him, pulling Renjun into his lap. "Is this what you've been doing the whole time either of them did anything?"
Renjun hit Donghyuck's chest while nodding. It was pathetic of him, he knew it, but it was better to just get it out. There just was a lot more in him than he thought.
"You're lucky Jeno and Jaemin love you, you illiterate sandwich. They called as soon as you left," Donghyuck scolded as he cradled Renjun in his arms. "You worried them cause you're shit at lying."
Renjun nodded, still choking a little but had calmed down significantly in Donghyuck's arms, left with softer sobs.

"...You're really not going to yell at me?" Donghyuck asked, his voice greatly softening. He chuckled a little, "I called you an illiterate sandwich and I get nothing?"
Renjun only continued to cling to Donghyuck, hiccuping a little as he cried. He felt a little bad that Donghyuck's shirt was getting soaked with tears but right now he couldn't do much about it. He was just jumping from thought to thought clouding around his mind and it was being saturated with Jeno and Jaemin's presence, preventing him from feeling any better.
"...that bad?" Donghyuck questioned in a hushed voice. Renjun meekly responded with his name, feeling shaky and frail after draining his system. He was exhausted and yet he couldn't help it. How could he get over something that affected him this badly?

Donghyuck held him until it got too dark. He then picked him up and took him home, holding him until Renjun's parents got home. He had to leave him in Chenle's care, who held him until the morning. He had them. But it just felt like it wasn't enough.