Chase or Free

Prologue

Tagaktak ang pawis sa noo ko habang tinatanaw ang wall clock sa hindi kalayuan.

Damn... 30 minutes left and I'm not yet done.

I closed my eyes tightly and tried so hard to remember...those terms.

It's our departmental exam and if I mess up, I won't be able to graduate. And it's so frustrating because I did my best... I reviewed so hard that I barely ate and slept. But now, this is happening.

I felt my head spinning when minutes already passed yet I still find myself struggling to remember everything.

No... no! It can't be! I shouldn't mess up! Because I need to get the scholarship from my dream school! And I can only make that happen if I graduate with flying colors!

"Ten minutes left," the proctor reminded us and I felt like a loser the moment I heard that.

In my mind, I've already called all the saints I know, but to no avail. Pakiramdam ko'y lumipad na nga sa kawalan ng tuluyan ang mga terminolohiya na pilit kong kinabisado.

At hindi ko iyon matanggap dahil pinaghirapan ko iyon... ng sobra.

I felt my chest tightening when I realized that I already had no choice but to guess the answers.

My hands were shaking as I start shading the items on the scantron sheet. Pakiramdam ko'y doon nakasalalay ang kinabukasan ko, but here I am, wasting it.

I hate myself for it. I again hate that I am not good enough.

"Pass your papers," the proctor instructed and collected our papers.

That was our last exam for the day kung kaya't lumabas na agad ako ng room pagkatapos, without taking time organizing my stuffs.

I ran as fast as I could while holding my chest, because I could feel it again...the heavy feeling and the feeling of wanting to hurt and destroy myself.

I stopped when I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I went inside the nearest comfort room and threw up.

It was always like this. It's tiring but I need to endure it, in exchange of having a secured future and to change people's perpective regarding our family. But I hate it sometimes... the feeling that it's all up to me... na sa akin nakasalalay ang lahat because I'm an only child.

I took series of deep breath to calm myself a bit while I think about my future plans, pero pakiramdam ko'y mas bumigat pa ang nararamdaman ko.

It was comforting back then, but it's not the case now. And I hate that it doesn't feel the same anymore.

They say dreams are comforting, but why's mine different? Why does it feel like a burden now?

I couldn't calm myself so I decided to went home. Habang sapo-sapo pa rin ang dibdib ko ay mabilis kong tinakbo ang kahabaan ng Nicanor Reyes Street papuntang Morayta para doon mag-abang ng sasakyang jeep pauwi.

As usual, the street was noisy. Lahat ng klase ng ingay ay halos maririnig mo na. Mula sa tunog ng mga sasakyan, ng mga tao sa paligid, ng mga ginagawa sa tabi-tabi, at kung anu-ano pa. At pakiramdam ko'y mas lalo akong nahilo dahil doon.

Hindi rin nakatakas sa pandinig ko ang narinig kong tumutugtog ng gitara't kumakanta sa gilid para sa donasyon. Lagi namang may gano'n kaya hindi na ako naninibago.

"A picture of you reminds me, how the years have gone so lonely... and why do you have to leave me, without saying that you love me..."

He's playing one of the OPM songs I like, ngunit hindi ko na 'yon nabigyan ng pansin dahil sa nararamdaman kong bigat sa dibdib at pagkahilo.