Stick To It

Renewal

As I approach the base of the lodge I can already feel my chest tighten and my stomach turn. I start doing the breathing exercises Dr. Malagrene taught me. 'Calm down, it's just a mountain' I grab the tactical flashlight out from my pocket and use it to brighten the dark trail. The isolation of the woods just now hitting me. 'I think even if I hit that button if something bad happened they wouldn't get here on time.' I come across the old wrought iron gate.

It brings back memories, good and bad. I go to open it up, it's locked? Before finding a note on the ground.

Gate's busted. Climb over. - Chris

Oh, this day doesn't get any better does it. I look at the stone brick side of the gate and assess it. It's not that high up. If Chris could do it you could too. Or... you could try to break the fence open. There's got to be a rock or something that could do that... no. C'mon Trenton, be reasonable.

I make my way up the pillar of stone, the loose gravel from erosion sticking to my fingers. 'One step at a time Trenton' After an uncomfortable climb I hop over the other side of the gate. 'Ha. Take that stupid fence.' I make my way back on the trail, my breath fogging up in the cold mountain air.

"Ah, the ski lift. A reminder that you're trapped up here." I find myself saying aloud to the sight of the old thing. The doors are unlocked so I walk in without a second look around and get on the lift. I look out the window during the ride up, the mountain looks so peaceful from an observer's point of view. The magnificence of nature improves my attitude. I sigh as I realize just what I've signed myself up for. The ski lift had sealed my fate as I had claimed earlier.

The lift finally reaches the top and lets me off of it. I leave the station as soon as possible, as I walk the familiar path to the nostalgic lodge. It really is a good place, but it's hard to look at it anymore. Nevertheless, I push on. Walking up to the door, I hear some familiar voices inside. I try to open it as quietly as possible, but the oldness of it all makes a resounding creak. Betraying my position to all.

I walk into the main room, that familiar kitchen, fireplace, and couch. Along with the whole gang. I feel them all stare at me as the conversation died down. "Um, hey," I announce myself awkwardly. Chris speaks up first. "T-Trenton. I was beginning to get worried." He gets up off the couch and gives me a hug. "I know. I'm kind of the best at being unfashionably late." I give a somewhat forced smirk. "Well, you're here at least." He gives me a pat on the back, I see everyone else open their mouths to say something. I put my hand up. 

"Hold on. You can say your pieces later, I've got something important to say." I place my shoulder bag down. "I-I'm um, I, this was a lot harder to say than I think it would've been, I'd... I'd like to say I'm sorry. To all of you. I've... quite frankly, been a really shitty person to all of you the past year. And, no matter what you or I say, there's no excuse for my behavior. And for that, I'm apologizing to each and every one of you. Mike," I start and he gives a surprised look. "I'm ashamed for not having responded to your 16 calls, 32 texts, and 1 house visit." He gives me a forgiving look. "Emily, I'm sorry for being so impatient with you. I should've known better." I look to Matt, "Matt, thank you for being so considerate and understanding. You did not deserve my having yelled at you." Matt gives me a reassuring nod. "Ashley, like Mike, I apologize for being the flakiest person alive. Sam, I really shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. You were trying to help, I know. Jessica, thank you for trying with Mike. I appreciate it. Chris, I'm incredibly sorry for turning down each and every chance you gave me to get us out of this hole. I am a coward. And finally, Josh," I turn to look at Josh in the face and give him the most solemn look I can muster. "I deeply apologize for not only letting you down but also not being there." I take a deep breath. "I uh, well, it's kind of embarrassing really, but I got you guys all presents. I know it's not even close to enough for an apology, but it just felt right." I dig into my backpack and grab out all the little mementos I got for the group.

Matt got a patch for his letterman, Emily got a designer brand coupon, and Sam got some climbing gloves. I didn't really know what to get Ashley, so I just got her a puzzle. I got Mike a razor, Jessica, I also didn't know what I should have gotten for her, so I got her a bracelet. I got Chris an SD card so he can do more nerdy shit, and I gave the most thought to Josh's gift. I managed to find an old Freddy the 13th VHS in my garage, it even came with the box.

I scratch my head embarrassedly as everyone looks at their gifts. "Sorry if you don't like it, I had a hard time remembering what everyone liked and disliked." Josh looks touched by my present. "Dude, where did you find this?" "I, uh, I have my ways." "Well, it's awesome regardless." Josh gives me a hug. "I remembered that you liked horror a lot, so I tried to find a classic." I join Chris on the couch and he immediately asked me how much space is on that SD card. "32 gigs. I wanted to get more, but uh, I'm not exactly made of money." "Pfft." He laughs. "That doesn't matter dude. I'm just glad you tried." "Why'd you get me a razor, Trenton?" Mike asks me. "Oh uh, well, I just thought you could use one. You strike me as the kinda guy to grow a lot of facial hair." He thinks a little before nodding. "Ah, makes sense."

I slink onto the couch as I bask in the feeling of getting things off my chest. "I'm so glad I did this." "Oh yeah?" Sam asks. "Yeah, I can't believe I was having second thoughts on the car ride here. It feels great to be able to just... talk to everyone again." "Well, we missed you too. Speaking of which, how was your therapy going? I know it must've hit hard considering... everything that happened." "It's going great actually. Dr. Malagrene really respects my boundaries, yet pushes me to break them at the same time. She was the one to give me the idea of coming, to be honest. But all I'm glad about is that she respected my decision to not use anti-depressants and such." "Wait, wait, wait," Chris butts in, "You're telling me you got through all of that without medicine? You're kind of a trooper dude." "Yeah I know, I'm the greatest patient of all time." Sam and Chris laugh. "I don't think that's something to be proud about," Sam replies.

"Jokes aside. It's nice to be back." I hear Josh suddenly clap to catch everyone's attention. "Alright gang, I'm glad we're all having a fun time. But it is getting a bit late. Uh, Mike, remember that guest cabin I told you about? There aren't quite enough rooms for us all to sleep comfortably in here so you want to go check it out?" "Yeah, sure. Jess, you wanna come with?" "Of course." "Uh, cool. Cool. Here are the keys." Josh tosses a key ring to Mike and they walk out of the door. "See you tomorrow, guys." "Yeah, bye~!" Mike and Jessica say as they take their leave.

"Wait, Matt, where's my bag?" "Huh?" "My bag! The... the little bag with the pink pattern! The one I got on Rodeo!" Matt remains silent. "Matt, are you listening? Oh my god, don't you remember? Next to the Italian place where I got the stilettos and you knocked over the rack while you were drooling all over the girl at the counter?" Matt struggles to find a response, "Well, I mean, she was asking about my letter jacket-" Emily cuts in, "Right, because she cared about your "designer" letter jacket." "Why do you hate my jacket?" "MATT! I need my bag!" "Oh my god Em maybe you just forgot it-" "Do you seriously think I'd forget it?" "Well, I-" "Do you?" "Guess not." "You must've forgotten it down by the cable car station." Matt looks annoyed. "Ugh!" Emily tries to appeal to Matt. "C'mon hun, well be back soon." "And then can we get warm?" Emily gives Matt a smooth grin. "We can get very warm." If you were wondering what I was doing during that... event. I was just watching, wasn't really much I could've done there. Guess I could have taken Matt's side, but I've learned to fear Emily's wrath.

"Well, that could have gone better." Sam looks kind of impatient and gives an annoyed sigh. "I'm going to go take a bath." She says as she heads upstairs. "And then there were 4." I hear Chris say. "Well, we've got all day and night tomorrow to hang out. And... I'm actually kind of tired. I didn't get much sleep. I was really worried about you guys' response." I say with a yawn. "Well, the guest room second door to the right is open, just park yourself there," Josh explains. "Gotcha. I'll probably be up for 10-20 more minutes before I go to sleep though. I haven't written my daily page." "Daily page?" Chris asks. "Yeah, Dr. Malagrene said I should just write down an entire page of whatever each day." "Cool." I grab my stuff and slump into that room, and write down whatever thoughts come to mind. I give it a once over, not my best work but I can't help but feel a little proud of it. I read the last line again through my head as I rest my weary eyes.

And thus I can finally turn to a new chapter of my life.

A bit poetic for my tastes, but it fits well. The glue on this page has finally given in.