Repeating Days

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by vaswashere

by vaswashere

God it's morning again. My razor blades, from last night's attempt to commit suicide, are lying on my bedside table. My life has been of much shame, regret, embarrassment. Why you may ask? I'll show you. I got up that dreadfull morning and the first words my 'mother' said to me were the following:" VENESSA WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU EMPTY OUT THE DISHWASHER!? ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVE 8 ABSENCES ON 3/2/2018?!"
Let me tell you the things that went wrong in this statement so you don't have to. 1 she used my dead name which I've told her not to but she never listens 2 she never told me to empty out the dishwasher in the first place and last but certainly not least number 3 that day was 4 years ago and I was at the hospital for my broken leg. P.S. This happens every day all day for no reason. She has said horrendous things to me in past. For example she called me a useless bitch when I was 6 years old just because I got an 99% on a test.
To sum up I have this constant pressure to be perfect at everything. I have developed a fear of failure. Fear of what she will do to be if she sees less than a 100%. I'm pretty sure I'm useless if I can be of service. Be the role model for others. Whatever happens in this house stays in this house. Study, study, STUDY GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. I despise my life at home. You might think that school is better, right? Wrong
I have zero friends apart from one. I'm known as 'the kid with perfect grades' or 'the nerd'. They bully me in various ways such as writing mean things on my desk or throughing their homework on my face. I am still alive on this shitty earth for one person and one person only. Rember the one friend that I have, yeah her.

She automatically makes my day better. I just want to be with her 24/7. She talks to me in a way I can't even explain. She's so gentle yet so aggressive. She accepts me for who I am. She makes me feel thing that no one has. She also makes me not want to die. I get random sparks of oxytocin when I'm around her. I have forebodings about leaving her side. You could say that she is orange stroke of color to my blue canvas.

Are these feelings I've developed?
Is this the so called puppy love?

What? Why am I thinking these things? Why would she ever like someone like me?
No
No
No
No
No
No
I'm worthless. Why am I here? I'm just taking up space. I should just die. I should burn in hell. God just kill me please. I don't want to live anymore. I should punish myself. The worst and best form of self punishment is cutting, shed blood.

After that sleep and hope to die...