𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘥?

your own cause

I loved  her
She made my entire day. I always wanted to be with her. But I guess she didn't produce oxytocin for me. She started to change. The person I loved was fading away, until she left. In that same body was a person. A person who had her face, her eyes, her nose. They had the same identity as her but different personalities. She dropped me. She went to her old friends that dropped her too back in the day. During that time I was the only person to be there for her. She chose them over me. She went no contact after that.

What's the point of loving someone when all they do is drop you? I've been through this all to many times.  I'll never fall in love again. It only leave me hurt after makes me look like a fool for falling for the same mistake more than once.

These past few months have been fine. Nothing has happened.  Nothing changed. I just went back to my numbness again. I can't feel anything. I'm always expressionless. I have lost my motivation to talk to other but I have gotten the best grades in the whole year. I was selected to be in the parade -only the best of the best students are selected-. I went because my mother forced me. At least the superintendent was there so I kinda showed off I don't know. I stopped eating again. But it was time to lose weight anyways. I never sleep because I'm always studying.

It has officially been a year since she dropped me. I'm glad she did because I got a taste of my own medicine. I also met someone. I like them a lot. They fit my type like a glove. I like like them but I don't know what will happen. I've already been heartbroken too many fucking times. Also I have to study extra hard because I have more exams than I can count. But I like them. I can't get them out of my mind. I'm afraid what my parents will do to me if they find out. I'll get beat up, sent away. Taken things away from me. But I'll do anything for them. What if it ends up like my past relationships. This time I will actually die of that happens.  What if I'm not good enough? What if I can't love someone like a decent human being? What if I can't text first because I'm a pussy? I'm the source of my own problems. I'm drowning in my own misery that I caused. Because caused it I should be the one who ends it. Kill to birds with one stone right? I make the people around me happy that I'm not in their way but simultaneously I'm not alive.

Dear future me,
Darken the box that coordinates would ya?
Alive □
Dead ■

Wish you farewell in the after life
-A.J.