Ember || B.E

1|| never supposed to be here

Ember Rae Madden - 22
Billie Eilish - 20
Billie has her current black hair.

It will always be Embers POV unless stated otherwise. 
Okay, enjoy!

Minor mentions of depression and suicide, there will be a '⚠️' when it starts and ends.
~~~

I was never supposed to be here from the beginning, I was never wanted and my parents made that clear to me. I was an accident child, never wanted.

My parents were going to get rid of me but due to my very conservative grandmother, I am still here. Two months after I was born, that very conservative grandmother of mine passed away and my parents were stuck with me at the age of seventeen. They got through it though, somehow maintaining a stable income, in fact, making enough money to send me to daycare every day. They'd drop me off at 6 am, pick me up at 6 pm, sometimes they'd bathe me, some nights not, they'd feed me and put me to sleep. My daycare teachers did all the raising. I never learned a thing from my parents.

I grew up resenting them and when they were 27 they decided they wanted a kid. A kid that they would actually want, raise, and love. A second chance is what my sister was. A second chance for them to redeem themselves. I was almost 11 when my sister Elodie was born.

~~~

Finally, finally, I put out chapter 35. I've been having some major writer's block and it makes me feel so useless. I mean, all I do is write. I don't have a job, I don't have friends, don't go to school, I do fucking nothing. Writing is my escape, it's how I process things, how I stay alive if I'm being honest. The only place I fit in is in the 'Billie community' the 'Billie fandom'. Sure, none of them know who I am, but they like my content and that's what keeps me going.

After making sure the chapter has properly uploaded I open my Wattpad Dm's. There's a lot here, over 150 messages. I've put a couple of books out on other platforms where people have to pay to read them but Wattpad is where I release my fanfictions and those get the most attention. I only write Billie Eilish fanfictions, I don't know any other celebrities as well as I know Billie. She's my person. She's saved me. There's no way to put my love for her into words, it's impossible.

I begin to open a few messages, some of them are people hating on my books, some are people who claim to help me make money but are just scams, some are people asking for help on their books or asking me to read their own, others are people talking about how much they love my books. I reply to a few before one really catches my eye.

billie4ycezmwjrlp: hey. i just finished reading your last book and i want to say a few things. your writing is out of this world, i mean, i don't understand how you can capture so much emotion in just words. it was absolutely beautiful and i shed many tears. also, i want to make sure you're okay. i know i'm a stranger but i'm honestly worried about you. are you okay my love? is there anything i can do to help?

People sometimes ask me if I'm okay and I usually ignore them. They don't really care, they don't know me, they only want to make sure I'm okay because they want more content. It makes me feel shitty; and even if I do respond, they never follow up. This message just seemed different though...I'm not sure why, it just does.

~~~
Billie's POV
~~~

I click on Drew's contact, FaceTiming her as tears are still streaming down my face. I look a mess but I don't give a fuck, she's seen me like this plenty of times.

"Hey Bi- Are you okay?" She interrupts her sentence when she sees the mascara running down my cheeks.

"Yeah," I nod with a sniffle, wiping away a few tears.