Ember || B.E

28|| drowning in guilt

TW: Self-Harm and panic attack. (there will be a '⚠️' emoji at the start and finish so you can skip)

This chapter is all pretty depressing. Sorry, not sorry. It kinda needs to be this way because Ember isn't cured, y'know?

~~~
Two Weeks Later
~~~

Sitting at the kitchen table and staring into nothingness is getting old. I'm tired of feeling so alone, feeling so angry at myself. Feeling guilty for my lack of energy and motivation to get a job. When Billie is around, it's easier to push the feelings down and hide behind a kiss but these past two weeks she's just been so busy. I don't blame her, hell, I don't even think it's healthy to feel the pure attachment I feel towards her, but I don't know how to fix it.

Without her around I feel like a weight taking up space on this earth. A useless rock. Sitting here, staring, taking up oxygen and attempting to push away my unhealthy urges. When I'm not thinking about Billie, I'm thinking about Elodie. Fuck, I just wish I could have been a better sister. It took me far too long to start interacting with her. It took me too long to get over my anger over her. It's not her fault that my parents think she's a queen.

I feel like I'm drowning in guilt. Guilty of being depressed, for not making better decisions in my past, and for not standing up for myself and for Elodie. I feel guilty for taking over Billie's space, guilty for not being able to do more for her. I want to be a better girlfriend, but how?

I let out a sigh, walking into Billie's kitchen. Glancing at the oven, the time is displayed. 8:00 pm. Billie told me this meeting might run really late, potentially until midnight. It's the last meeting before the tour starts. Opening up the fridge, I scan up and down at the food and after a while, I just shut the door, deciding I don't feel like eating anything in it.

I grab my phone and walk into Billie's bedroom where Shark is fast asleep on the bed. Everything feels like it's building up again and I only know one way to solve it. It's a temporary fix but that's all I've got.

⚠️
I lock myself in the bathroom with my backpack. I know I have at least one blade hidden in there somewhere. Falling to the floor, my back against the wall I unzip the bag, searching in the small pocket where I remember last seeing it. However, when I don't see it in there, I begin to panic, and my heart starts to beat faster.

I remove each item from the pocket, including old gum wrappers. I still don't see it. Fuck. It starts getting hard to breathe. I need to find it right now or I might end up ripping my hair out. My eyes begin to cloud over with fear as I flip my bag upside down, pouring all of its contents onto the floor.

Rummaging through the items I still don't see what I need. Tears begin to well in my eyes as I re-check every pocket of my bag. Hearing Shark cry and scratch at the door, my throat starts to close up.

I don't know if anyone else in the world knows what it's like to have this urge but not be able to find your blades. It feels like your world is ending like if you don't find a way to release all of these emotions, you might not make it till moonlight. The walls feel like they're closing in as I start opening up drawers in the bathroom, looking for something, anything that's sharp enough to help me.

Shark begins to cry louder when I spotted a razor. Prying it apart I'm able to get out a blade. Without a second thought, I use it the only way I know how. Over and over again, re-opening old wounds and creating new ones.

Sighing in relief, my heart pounds once again. This blade has too much power over me, and I know that, but what I don't know, is how to change that.
⚠️

As soon as I've cleaned up and hidden all evidence of what I've done, I plug my phone in and set it down on the nightstand before crawling under Billie's blankets, snuggling up to Sharky. As I pet the top of his head, his eyes begin to flutter shut.

I shouldn't have done that, I was doing so good, but now-

My thoughts are cut off when I hear the front door open. It's not long before Billie walks into her bedroom. "Hi baby," she smiles, setting her bag on the floor and looking up at me.

When her eyes meet mine, it all hits me once again. I'm such a fuck up. I can feel my eyes fill with salty tears and her face morphs into concern. She quickly walks over to me and sits down in front of me on the bed.

"Ember, what's wrong?" She asks, her voice laced with concern. I couldn't bare to tell her, instead I fall into her arms, letting sobs rack my body as she whispers soothing words and rubs my back, holding me close.

I can tell I'm getting my tears on her shirt but she doesn't move, she holds me until I've calmed down enough to speak. "I'm sorry," I whisper with a sniffle.

"Hey, it's okay," she assures me, pulling away and placing her hands on my cheeks. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," I mumble. She nods her head in understatement before laying down on the bed, opening up her arms. I fall into her, placing my head on her chest as she wraps her arms around me, our legs intertwining together.

"Everything gonna be okay, my love," she whispers before kissing the top of my head. I'm not sure how much time passes before I fall into a deep sleep.

~~~

"Our time is almost up for today. You're still good to do skype sessions for the next few weeks?" Megan asks.

"Yeah, for sure," I smile.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about today? How are things with Billie?"

"Things with Billie are really good. She's my rock," I explain, wondering if I should tell her about what I did last night. "I don't think there's anything else," I shake my head.

"Alright, then I'll see you on skype in a week," she smiles.

"For sure, see you then," I wave goodbye as I walk out of her office and down the long blank hallway until I get into the elevator.

I probably should have told Megan but honestly, I don't want to get into it all. I don't even know why I did it, it was stupid. I can handle this on my own, I already know everything she's gonna tell me. She'll tell me to use the rubber band or ice but I already know those don't have the same effect. Plus, I can do this on my own. I really can.

~~~

A/N: So, this was a shorter chapter but the next chapter will be the start of tour and it's gonna be longer and it's gonna be cute and I'm excited about it!

I'm curious to know if there's anything you want to see.

Any predictions?

Oh, also, I might do a double update today ;)

Words: 1234