Paradise

Chapter Four

Mrs. Hawkins looked surprised to see me back, but quickly continued on with her lesson. We had missed the last few essays, but I didn't really care. Not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I was one of the better topic-pickers and writers in the class. Judging by Yvette's soft-spoken demeanor and deep intellect, though, I'd be surprised if I remained in that spot for very long. That didn't bother me too much. I already really liked Yvette, and felt she was a rightful contender to challenge my place.

Not that it was a competition or anything. This was merely my personal take on the class. I'm sure Mrs. Hawkins had different ideas of who her best student was. I was also sure it wasn't me. I never got picked for anything. And, honestly, I couldn't remember ever winning a competition in my life. But there was always a first time for everything, right?

"Miss Springfield!" Mrs. Hawkins' ruler gave a sharp thwack upon impact with the opened textbook on my desk.

I jumped in my seat, blinking hard. "Uh?"

Several students snickered behind me, but Mrs. Hawkins' hard face bore no sense of humor. "Are you sure you feel well enough to attend class?" she asked, voice dry.

I plastered on my best smile, and nodded to show my commitment. My heart felt like it might burst through my chest. The hard palpitations were really quite painful. I swallowed hard, but my mouth was very dry. "Y-Yes, I do. I'm sorry."

The snickering increased, and Mrs. Hawkins' eyes strayed to the back of the room. "Don't apologize to me, Miss Springfield," she said, turning around."Just pay attention." Had the floor been soft, the spikes of her heels would have stabbed holes into it, with the way she stormed back to the board.

I took in a deep breath, hoping to calm my speeding heart. What was with me today? I just couldn't pay attention. Sure, I was spacy at school, but this was getting ridiculous. Maybe I really was sick. My immune system was obviously lowered by my depression and elevated stress-level. This could have just been the start of a bug, or something.

Just as I began to massage my temples, a folded piece of paper hit my desk. My eyes immediately went to the front of the room, as I slid it beneath my textbook. When I saw that Mrs. Hawkins wasn't even looking at me, I retrieved the note, and carefully unfolded it, spreading it over the opened pages of my textbook.

"Don't let it get to you," the blue, cursive letters read.

I looked over at Yvette who gave me an encouraging wink.

Smiling, I turned back to my book, and something strange happened. I actually felt better, like everything had brightened. Maybe that's how it felt to really have someone on your side, not just someone going through the motions.

Kendall wasn't a bad friend. She was just more focused on others (when she wasn't focused on herself, that is). It wasn't even that I wanted her to spend all of her time on me. I just wanted a little nurture. Sometimes I think she forgot who I was in school, that I really didn't have other friends. At least not real friends. She could pick and choose. People flocked to her ... but they fled from me.

Oh, unless they wanted to make fun of me. Then crowds gathered around!

Some would argue and tell me just to "change" and "be happy", but it was hard to remove a label that had been perfectly fit for you. I had tried to be the "happy girl" before, but it felt very fake. It also didn't help when people gave me weird looks or made snippy comments about my new-found optimism.

Apparently I wasn't allowed to change, so I never tried to again. Kendall never encouraged me to change, either. I was always the person to come to when she had problems or felt sad. I guess she mistook my gloominess as some demented expertise on sadness. It soon became a pattern for her to come to me anytime something bad happened. I wouldn't have minded this so much if she also came to me on more positive occasions, but she rarely did.