Right Where You Left Me

words cannot be taken back

TW domestic violence

"No, Dad, stop," I plead, tugging at my Dad's forearm as he advances on my mother.

"What, you're gonna do drugs in my house?" he yells. "My fucking house?" He rears his hand back and hits my mother square across the jaw. I flinch and cover my mouth with my hand as I watch her shrink into the ground. My body shakes with sobs.

"Stop," I say weakly, stepping between the two of them. My dad's eyes flash with anger and he hits me this time, slapping me across the face so hard my head hits the wall. I clutch my jaw as tears stream down my cheeks. "What the fuck?" I say. It's all I can say. "What the fuck?"

"Get the fuck out of my house," he says, pointing at the door. "Both of you. Get the fuck out of my goddamn house."

I haul my mother to her feet and stumble towards the door. "You don't even pay the fucking bills," I sob. "You're never even home. This isn't your house."

He advances on me and grabs my arm roughly. "Say that to my face again. I fucking dare you. Say it."

I bite my tongue and look away, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall. He lets go of my arm and I drag my mother out of the house.

With shaky hands, I dial Nate's phone number. It rings two times before he answers.

"Hello?" he says. I wipe my nose and sniffle. Nate's voice turns concerned. "Adya? What's wrong?"

"Nate?" I say. "Something bad happened. Something really, really bad happened."

When Nate arrives in Nancy's car, it's a little comical. He's a fifteen year old kid who doesn't have a license, but he's driven so many times that no one even questions it. He helps me carry my mother to the backseat. We get in the car and drive away. His hands are shaking with anger.

He stops the car in front of his house and turns to me. His delicate hands wipe away my tears and he brushes his fingers along my bruises. "I'm so sorry," he says. "I'm so, so sorry. I swear to God, I'm going to kill him."

That night, I sleep in Nate's bed. I tuck my knees into my chest and lean back against the headboard. He sits next to me. We talk and sit in silence. When he turns the light switch off, I shift towards him and lay my head on his chest. My ear to his heart. I fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating, his warm body pressed against mine.

My eyes flash open.

The bed is warm but empty except for me. There are tears on my cheeks. I roll over and check the time on my phone. It's almost eight in the morning, and school starts in half an hour. Groaning, I roll out of bed, brush my teeth, and pull on sweatpants. I make my way down the stairs. My footsteps echo in the silent house.

"Morning," Nate says from the kitchen. He's whipping up pancakes; the stove is on, the stand mixer is mixing sugar and cream, and there's a cookbook open on the counter.

"Pancakes?" I ask, hoisting myself onto the counter and sitting on it, watching as he flips a pancake on the pan.

"You bet," he winks, sliding the pancake onto a stack and handing the plate to me. He dollops some whipped cream and syrup on the top, and hands me a fork.

"So, uh," he says awkwardly, scratching his head. "You going to that new years party I mentioned last night?"

I nod. "Probably. Don't have a date though," I chuckle dryly.

Nate smiles and takes a bite of his pancake. "I can try to hook you up with one of my buddies. I'd offer to take you, but Kim already asked me."

I fall silent. It's not that I'm jealous; I want Nate to be happy. But Kim was such a horrible person to me. Does it really have to be her?

His smile falls at my silence. "What's wrong?"he asks.

"Nothing," I lie.

He sets down is plate and moves towards me. His hands go to grip the counter on either side of my legs. He searches my face and rolls his tongue in his cheek.

"Something is wrong," he deduces. My eyes go to his lips. He's so close to me. His lips curl upward, as if he knows what effect he has on me, and I jerk back to reality.

I'm flushed and angry and my skin is hot and too tight for my body and the emotions I'm trying to contain. I hate him. I hate that he can make me lose rational thought if he gets too close. I hate that he knows how I react to his proximity.

I push off the counter and pace the length of the kitchen. "You're right, Nate. Something is wrong. What's wrong is that you're going to a party with the girl who relentlessly bullied me the moment you left."

His eyes soften. "Adya, I-"

"It's not justifiable, Nate," I say. "You can't pull shit like this. You can't be all lovey-dovey hugging to me, and tell me that I'm the fucking reason you came back here, and then go out with my fucking bully. That's wrong and it fucks with my head and my emotions." I pause and march up to him, furious. I poke my finger into his chest and glare up at him.

"And you know it does," I say. "You know it fucks with my head, so you use it to your advantage. You're holding strings over me like I'm a fucking puppet, and I'm happy to comply as long as you stay." I stare at him, tears in my eyes. "I'll do anything as long as you stay."

He sighs. "What, are you jealous? Is that it? Because-"

I'm blinded by fury. Jealousy? I pour my heart out to this boy and he boils all my complicated emotions down to jealousy? Furious, I open my mouth and cut him off.

"I wish you never came back."

As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I wish I never said them. I want to pluck them out of the air and stuff them back down into my throat. I watch as Nate recoils a little, stung.

"You - You don't mean that," he says carefully. He searches my face for any sign that he's right; that I'm lying, that I don't mean what I said.

I am silent.

"Adya, I-" Nate runs a hand through his hair. He opens his mouth to speak, but I brush past him and step outside, slamming the door shut behind me.

I walk down the middle of the road. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I've gone and done it again. I've fucked things up. I've opened my mouth and said the wrong thing and made everything worse.

Of course he left, you idiot, a small, truthful voice in my brain speaks up. Who would ever want to stay near you?

I pull my hoodie tighter around my shoulders and keep walking down the road.