Right Where You Left Me

when you are young they assume you know nothing

"We're graduating in a few months," Kate says.

I flop down on the grass and close my eyes. "Holy shit," I say. "We're graduating in a few months."

Alex sighs. "Look at us. Local fuck-ups. Kids with single parents who can't even afford to go to university."

"No scholarships," I say. Then I dryly chuckle. "What was I expecting? All I did this year was drink and smoke and cry."

"Hey," Nate protests, and our gazes all turn to the cigarette between his middle and forefinger. He cracks a grin and we all burst out laughing.

"Who knows?" I say, plucking the cigarette from his fingers and taking a drag off of it. "Maybe we'll take a gap year. And another. And another. And maybe we'll never get out of Woodvale, and we'll drink ourselves to death."

"Don't speak it into reality," Nate says. "Once you say it, it becomes true."

I look up at him. "It's already true."

Kate leans back on her elbows and takes a sip of lemonade. "On a lighter note, what are we all wearing to prom?"

"Whatever I can find in the dress section of the thrift store," I say.

"One of Rick's suits," Nate says. "It's old, but Rick always has the best suits."

"I made this purple suit and matching lace bralette," Alex adds. "I just have to make the matching pants."

Kate grins. "And I'm wearing a matching dress."

"Prom," I say, listing it off on my fingers. "And then finals week. And then graduation."

Nate lazily grins and sprawls out his long limbs. "And then an incredibly cool afterparty hosted by yours truly."

***

"I want to go to Rick's grave," Nate says.

I sit up in bed and yawn. "Okay," I say.

"Let's go," he urges, and because I have nothing better to do I follow him into the dark.

We get on our bikes and head towards the town cemetery, which - considering Nate has many people to visit there - we haven't been to that many times. It's scarier at night, with the shadows casted dark and stretched out long on the grassy floor. Nate leads me towards Rick and his mother's graves. He doesn't hesitate once. How many times has he been here?

We stop in front of them and I lean down to brush away the moss growing over Rick's name. Nate looks down at the stone. A single tear falls to the dirt and is soaked back into the earth, back down into the cemetery of vanished memories.

"Do you remember the day Rick died?" Nate's voice rings out in the silent, empty yard.

"Yes," I say softly.

"It was quiet. Everyone kept looking at me in this pitying way, you know? Like they were thinking, 'Poor boy. Thank god I'm not in his position right now.' It made me feel so fucking lonely."

Although he cannot see me in the dark, I nod anyway. Because I know the exact feeling he is talking about. The overwhelming pressure of loneliness that is only amplified by people isolating you with their sorrowful eyes and pitying glances. It's like they've got their hands on your throat, and they're just choking you and taking all the air from you and making it impossible to breathe.

"My mother was young when she died. Only 27. And when you're five, your mother is the world to you, yeah? And it's hard. Growing up with grief as your best friend. Your companion that never leaves your side. The pain hurt, but it was comfortable." I can feel his eyes on me. "That's why I spent so much of my time with you, Adya. Because you didn't pity me, or try to sympathize and make things weird, or anything like that. You just treated me like a normal kid."

My heart aches for the boy next to me. I want to hold his face and tell him things will be okay again. I want to soothe his heart and mend the cracks. But I can't. Only he can do that. So instead I shuffle closer to him and wrap my arms around him. He leans into my touch.

"I was lost," he tells me. "In my grief. I lost who I was, and everywhere I looked I saw him, Adya. I saw Rick. I couldn't do it. That's why I left." His voice breaks a little. "That's why I bought that ticket and left."

"You don't have to be here for long," I say. "We can do prom and the graduation shit and then we can leave. Together. Nancy will move to the country and you and I will go somewhere big. Where the people don't pity you and we can drink and smoke in peace." My hand snakes down his arm and I squeeze his hand comfortingly. "And when we're ready, we can come back. Stay in Sydney's Bed and Breakfast.  Eat at Jagged Edge. Who knows if anyone in this town will be where we think they'll be in five years. But who cares? It's me and you, Nate. Until the end."

"We're only, like, eighteen," he whispers back. "What do we know?"

"When you're young, you know everything," I say with a shrug. "It's just the way things are."