Love of a Sinner

Ch 30 - Belief

- Oh! You're here again. Hello.

The young nurse coquettishly addressed the tall man, when he entered the room, her voice and expression a bit flustered and hopeful, fluttering sparkly eyes in his direction in an obvious attempt to win his attention or engage him in small talk. However, the embarrassingly overbearing efforts to charm the handsome man were brought to naught.

Joohoon barely nodded, not even once did he look at her, he stepped forward closer to the only person that could ever fascinate him enough to fall in love with the loathed world.

His eyes gazed over the most peaceful and serene sight he ever witnessed, where time seemed to have frozen and even the sunlight slowed down to sail on that delicate frame, casting moving shadows on the almost glittering skin and now jet-black hair, the strong contrast making his skin look like the finest crafted porcelain, so fragile that even the lightest of touches could break it to pieces.

Han Jiwook looked like he was sleeping.

He could be seeing a blissed dream, undisturbed by the wild and merciless world around him. As though only now could he finally take the long-seeked rest and Joohoon's heart felt both: joy, for the younger never looked that peaceful and dismay, as Han Jiwook looked like he didn't want to wake up.

Joohoon sunk his gaze in that disturbing beauty with a belief so strong, so fervent, that Han Jiwook would have moved an inch just for being pulled by his will's pure force.

Yet, there was only the unchanging rhythm of the younger's breaths, so unnatural for a person alive, too static to be called a breathing, the smallest movement of his chest, up and down, was the greatest relief for Joohoon, but also a constant fear.

Fear for it to stop.

- The results of the latest tests are out and the doctor said, his condition is much steadier now. He could wake up at any moment.

The nurse seemed to catch on the silent disquiet of the young man and thought to talk about the patient instead, as it was clear as day that Joohoon was interested only in him.

- Yes... he could.

He repeated quietly, trying to make himself to believe it.

Han Jiwook's physical condition stabilized over two weeks now and even with all the test results showing that nothing was wrong with his body, Jiwook still didn't wake up. The doctors could only say to have patience as he was out of danger, but Joohoon couldn't in all sincerity appease himself with that.

He wanted to see his eyes. He missed the clear blue of Jiwook's eyes like a prisoner missed the serene blue of the sky.

The young woman sighed in defeat as nothing could move the rigid man in front of her, if only the awakening of that patient. She left the room, leaving the both of them alone.

Joohoon slowly approached the side of Jiwook's bed, there was the usual seat, where he sat for long hours every past day. He would continuously look at the sleeping Jiwook and forget about time, about anything else.

A day before he have read somewhere that unconscious patients could hear what they were told and some believed, it could help them wake up, if they listened to a voice they'd want to hear again or to answer it.

The elder wasn't sure he was someone like that for Jiwook or if the superstition weren't just a children's fairytale, yet he found himself talking with Jiwook.

He felt a bit awkward and maybe even a little flustered at the beginning, as he couldn't even find the words or about what exactly he could say to Jiwook, since he never opened himself to someone and in addition, speak alone, not answering a question, but tell instead what was on his heart freely, willingly, all by himself.

Somehow, he came to do that.

- Jiwook... I... unlocked your phone today. I tried all this days, but nothing worked. It turned out it was the day when we first talked to each other. The day you had your first smoke. You looked bored and out of place, like you wanted to be anywhere else but there, still you didn't leave. I... to tell you the truth you felt too similar to me then, only you poorly hid it. Your smile looked forced and empty, and I failed to get for whom you did that, for what reason. So, I followed you. I wanted to find it out.

Joohoon's voice was calm and quiet, a soothing tone like the one used to calm a child, his eyes moving from Jiwook to the phone in his hands and back. When he recalled his memories and feelings of that day, his eyes closed as if carefully looking for it, wishing to not miss any detail.

- I was curious, you were as much high and proud, as insecure about yourself, everyone was worthless in your eyes, yet you wanted their attention. Such a screwed up character, why would you call yourself boring?!

Joohoon smiled mildly recalling the scene and Jiwook's expression, when he was asked why he tagged along if his face clearly shouted "dying of boredom" as Joohoon called it and the younger's plain unexpected answer.

- Yes, I guess I wanted to play with you and see your reaction, what would you do, if I would be the one to give you what you wanted the most and then... take it away.

Joohoon sighed bitterly, since for a long time already his feelings changed. He shifted hesitantly his hand and barely touched Jiwook's hair, ever so lightly moving an invisible lock of hair away. Joohoon seemed to miss the pale blue shade of the younger's hair, since it was the same as his eyes and maybe it became his most favorite color.

His gaze then gliding to Jiwook's lips, which were missing its usual plumpness and softness.

- ... I gave you a taste of my cig and you nearly choke on it. I think I said you'll get used to it, but I can't recall ever seeing you smoke again. Your face was burning red, your eyes tearing already. Strangely the aftertaste wasn't that bitter, sweeter than I expected... You were so flustered and cute, I couldn't help but tease you more.

Joohoon chuckled softly. Jiwook asked then why he kissed him, innocently bewildered, he even cried out that he was a boy and not a girl. Wasn't he adorable?!

Joohoon put his arms on the edge of the bed and laid his head on it, with a dreaming and longing gaze, his eyes didn't move away from Jiwook, not for a second.

- Was that your first kiss?, Joohoon asked, an over pleased smile rose on his face.

It was the day they first spoke as well as the day when it all started. Joohoon remembered about it, but not the exact date. If not for Joohee and the drugs recipe, he used to buy her medicine on that day, he would never find it out and thus break in the younger's phone.

He found the gallery full of photos of him and his younger self, which he presumed Jiwook took from all the albums he found at his grandmother's place, a few with them together from their date and the rest with Jiwook himself. All of it were recently made and almost nothing before that. Lot of contacts and "friends" on social media, but no conversations or calls. Oh, yes, Min Siwoon's name popped through a few times and everything else were short calls from his family. There was his text chat with Jiwook and that was the only one, beside Joohee's, with more than 3 lines.

Joohoon could understand how did the younger live until now. Intentionally or not, Jiwook lived an invisible life. The presence of Joohoon in his life was perhaps greater than he would have thought, as it changed everything.

Although the one who changed the most was Joohoon.

- Jiwook...

He took the younger's pale hand in his, its unfamiliar coldness making him furrow, he brought it to his lips and sealed a gentle kiss on the back of Jiwook's hand.

He then put it on his cheek in an attempt to share his warmth with Jiwook and sunk in his touch. He closed his eyes.

- I'm sorry Jiwook, I... what I did to you, everything you went through, I made it all worse. My betrayal, my lies, I regret it all. For making you cry, I'm sorry.

Joohoon's expression twisted in genuine pain at the memories of all his vile and egoistic deeds. His voice was getting weaker and quieter.

- Jiwook, please, wake up. You have to curse at me, yell, hit me, make me kneel and laugh at the pathetic sight. Ask to beg you, say you'll never forgive me, say I have to break a leg for you to consider... even if you wouldn't want to see me again, please, wake up Jiwook.

Joohoon slightly trembled at that possibility, as he couldn't imagine a life without Jiwook, yet it didn't matter, even if Jiwook would hate Joohoon and never meet him, all of it was nothing, if the younger would live, would wake up and smile again.

Jiwook's smile...

The lose of his smile was like world going colorless and icy-numb all of the sudden.

- Jiwook, I miss you... I need to tell you that... I love you... Please give me a chance, Jiwook, plea..se I need you.

Joohoon's words barely a whisper, his voice broke at the end, as he tightly held Jiwook's hands with his both, close to his forehead, begging the world to give him Jiwook back.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Brrr.

The phone vibrated shortly in the numb silence of the room, which was now bathed in the orange-purple sunset's glow, marking the end of the day, that passed unnoticed by Joohoon.

He dozed a few times, in that same position and place he stayed all day, looking continuously at the younger, as though he was sure he would wake up and Joohoon wanted to be near him, when that would happen. However, Jiwook slept still.

Joohoon tapped on the screen and opened the text Han Siwon-, no, Yoon Taemin sent him. Even days after, he still couldn't grasp how and why it were those two who swapped their bodies, through Taemin said he never knew and didn't meet Han Siwon either. It was beyond strange, but nevertheless real and with this, Joohoon was forced to believe in "miracles". As the fact that Yoon Taemin didn't die or he wished to live, made it happen and he received one more chance.

Only this was proof great enough for him to believe in it.

In his second chance.

...

Y. Taemin: "We got them."

Instantly the air in the room stopped moving as though even its atoms froze midway. Joohoon's presence became like a black hole that exploded inwards and was pulling everything around to its centrum, twisting, crushing, swallowing it irreversibly in one fatal mass of darkness, within which force was so immense that nothing could escape it, not even the light itself.

Joohoon moved, after what felt like ages of the inner collapse. His face wore no definite expression, nothing of his body would give away what thoughts run in his head, what feelings erupted inside, nor even his heart, which beat terrifyingly calm moreover so unnatural, that one would say his humanity vanished.

For now.

Joohoon laid carefully the younger's hand back under the blanket, his fingers went to Jiwook's face then, yet again to move another lock of hair out of his closed eyes.

- I'll come back.

He whispered and his voice sounded dreadful foreign in the deadest yet perhaps the most alive lapse of his life, as the cold-blooded rage flowed in his veins forthcoming the true moment it will break out and wreck the world.

Slowly.

Excruciatingly.

Thrilling.

They, who dared to touch what was his sole hope and the entire world, slaying it in their wickedness and poison, oh they were brave if not to demented, for nothing would be enough to pay for that, even with Joohoon ripping out and squishing every inch of their flesh and guts with his own hands.

It wouldn't be enough, never. Yet Joohoon needed that.

Or he would go mad from all the unleashed rage within him.