Love of a Sinner

Ch 34 - Only Pain

- Taemin-si finally, you answered. Do you happen to know where my brother is? I can't reach him.

Taemin looked beside him, Joohoon was frowning and suppressing a groan of pain, while Woojin was disinfecting his wound with not-so-gentle taps, putting an unskillfully and tight bandage around his middle, cursing himself in his mind for he lost sight of the man and thus Joohoon got injured.

Though the taller's reflexes were scary indeed, in that short moment, less than a second, he managed to turn and catch in time the knife, which only scratched his side and therefore his palm. He insisted on ignoring it until they'd drop the men to their place, as they were out of time to delay it. That was one reason why they stopped to check the injury only after they reached some distance away from that area.

The second was Taemin, who worriedly urged them to stop and rushed to Joohoon with the medical kit to treat his wounds. Woojin, seeing his lover fidgeting close to the naked torso of another man and more than that, the deep stare Joohoon had on his Taemin, volunteered eagerly and took the bandages from Taemin's hand, pushed him aside and took the job himself.

Joohoon laughed at Woojin and his antics, though not that long, as Woojin, perhaps embarrassed of being caught, started to heavily press antiseptic on the wound out of spite, making the taller man grunt in sudden itchy pain. The git.

- Yes. We're together. I'll pass him to you, Joohee.

- No, no it's ok. Taemin, I was nearby and came to the hospital. Just now Jiwook...

Taemin froze upon hearing the name and the slightly rushed voice of the girl.

- He's awake. Jiwook just woke up, Taemin.

- Is that true? How... how is he? Is he alright? We're coming right away.

- I don't know yet. The doctor just got inside.

- We'll get there at once.

Joohoon, already stood and in front of Taemin. Luckily for him the bandaging just finished, he looked at the other with hopeful eyes yet at the same time a bare anxiety on his face, making him seem almost vulnerable, if Taemin wouldn't know any better.

- Jiwook... He just woke up... I don't know the details.

- Let's go.

Joohoon jumped first in the car, the other two following suit and they hurried to get to the hospital. It was deep in the night and thankfully no traffic, with more or less over 15 minutes they were already close.

Woojin dropped them at the crossing, where Joohoon and Taemin stepped out and rushed straight away to the hospital. Another minute and they reached Jiwook's room, where Joohee stood near the door.

She was on edge and upon seeing her brother, she sprinted to hug him, too nervous to notice blood on his shirt or his bandaged hand. Joohoon hugged her tightly yet briefly back and entered the room, the doctor examining Jiwook's condition, his breathing at the moment, while talking to him.

- Han Jiwook, do you hear me? I'm doctor Kim. You're at the hospital right now. Please breathe slowly. Inhale, exhale. One more time. Good... Can you move your right hand, Han Jiwook-si?

The younger did that, slightly though, as his hand still trembled and was too weak to move any more.

Joohoon looked at Jiwook breathing, at his hand moving even though barely, at his blue eyes finally, after so much and unbearable time being closed, finally Joohoon could see those eyes open again, batting slowly, heavily, and so blue.

His wish, God, at long last, it came true. He stepped closer, slowly, not daring to disturb the examination yet uncapable to not approach him, to not come to see him closer. He longed to touch him, to take his hand in his and never let go of it ever again. He craved to feel Jiwook's warmth. To hear his voice again was the greatest delight he could have and to think he'd get it any next second, was making his heart beat so quickly, he couldn't breathe properly.

Jiwook was awaken. He lived. He breathed.

For the first time in his life Joohoon felt like maybe life wasn't that cruel to him after all. It brought him Jiwook back and he felt it with his heart, he was happy. So happy, like he could never ever be more. He knew it. That moment right then was his happiest.

- How do you feel, Han Jiwook-si?

The younger, with great effort, sounded a quiet reply, his voice weak and shattered a bit, yet it rang faintly in the nervous quietness of the room and everyone brightened up, when they heard it, especially Joohoon, who couldn't hide his soft endearing smile.

- I... aw-ful... and diz..zy.

- That's because of the medication Han Jiwook-si. It should pass in a few minutes. You'll get better after a good rest.

Joohoon was now right beside Jiwook's bed, reaching for the younger's hand, presuming that the doctor finished with his examination as he gave space for the others to approach the patient and shortly after left. The tall boy took gently the younger's hand in his, with the softest of touches and how immense was his relief, when Jiwook squeezed his hand back, Joohoon felt tears risking to come out, his smile only deepened.

- Jiwook-oppa! Oppa! You scared us so much!, Joohee got from the other side of the bed and was about to break in tears as well.

Jiwook flinched lightly almost unnoticeably, if Joohoon wouldn't have held his hand and been so close, he could have missed it as well. The elder looked very carefully at Jiwook's eyes and he could feel something was amiss. The younger's eyes were fixed on a general spot in Joohee's direction, but not her eyes or her face. He looked like he couldn't find her.

Though she was right before him.

- J-joo-hee..., his voice sounded softly - you are... here.

Joohoon's heart was about to leap out of his chest.

- Yeah Oppa! Joohoon and Siwon-si are here too. We are so happy you woke up, Oppa.

Jiwook turned his head lightly, no more than an inch, and looked with his lost clear blue eyes in Joohoon's direction. He squeezed the elder's hand one more time, and maybe he realized Joohoon was the one holding him.

Joohoon moved his other hand slowly to those serene blue eyes and it didn't bat or close reflexively, it didn't react in any way. It was like it couldn't see that hand at all.

The elder's hand started to tremble, his fingers carefully, barely touched Jiwook's cheek as though it hesitated to move further.

It felt like Jiwook would break in countless shards right in front of him.

- Joo...hoon?

Joohoon's voice died then, unable to open his mouth.

Jiwook could fell the other's hand and presence, but having no answer back, was confusing him. The medication was already wearing off yet he looked just as lost as the moment he woke up.

- Joohee, why...is here so...dark? Can you...turn the light on?...I ... can't see... you.

Joohoon's eyes closed, his hands trembled and he squeezed tighter Jiwook's hand like an anchor to yet another abyss he... they were thrown into.

- But here is not... dark...

Joohee understood it, when she saw her brother's pale face and shaking hands. Her own then started to tremble.

- Jiwook-oppa it's ok. I'll just call the doctor. Please wait a little, ok?, though she tried to sound reassuring yet her voice quivered slightly and she gave away her anxious state.

And Jiwook was awaken enough now to notice it from the sound of her voice.

- It's not... the light, right? It's... not dark... only me. It's me that... can't see...isn't it?

An overwhelming and crushing silence followed instead of the answer Jiwook was seeking. He tried to stand straight, though he had still no strength to manage that, the abrupt move making him wobble and fall right back. It only made him more dizzy, a buzzing sound rose in his ears, his breathing worriedly becoming unstable.

Joohoon stretched out his hand to catch and support Jiwook from the back, he almost gasped upon noticing how thin the younger was, how light and frail his body weighted, he felt like Jiwook could scatter in pieces, in thin air right in his hands and he couldn't even hold on to him.

- Siwon... Where is Siwon? Where's... my brother?

Joohee hurried and took Taemin's arm, pulling him closer to Jiwook's side, thinking his brother would reassure him for sure. Yet Taemin just stood there stiff and pale, unable to move or to utter a word. His eyes wide from disbelief and more than that, fear rose on his face as he followed Jiwook's hands moving hectically in the air to grasp his brother's hand... to find, to reach Siwon.

- Siwon answer me, are you really here? Please!

Jiwook was crying.

His voice already hoarse and too weak from the moment he awoke, now rang so despairing and overexerted, it risked to break again.

Joohee wanted to say something to Taemin, to urge him to talk to Jiwook perhaps, but Joohoon stopped her, called quietly her name out and shook his head. She was confused yet upon seeing her brother's pained expression, even more, his eyes looked like he would break in tears at any moment.

What was happening? Joohee sensed there was something she didn't know yet seeing everyone's dark expressions was enough to tell her how dreadful that hidden truth was.

- ... Siwon is...

Taemin started but trailed off, he couldn't make himself say it again to him. That his brother was dead. That Siwon was gone.

He didn't need to.

It might have been his voice or the way he spoke, or perhaps how familiar that situation felt to Jiwook - it triggered a memory that was purposely concealed in the back of his mind.

And he knew then.

That Siwon wasn't his and he lost his brother forever.

- ! ... Ha...ha-ha...

The sudden burst of dry and broken laughs, with his tears yet falling at the same time, Jiwook's inner pain was surfacing, rough and with abandon, the anxiety for becoming blind couldn't even compare to it.

- Sorry... I think I forgot.

He was smiling.
A broken smile.

- Of course he wouldn't be here.

His hands trembled, gripping hard the blanket.

- He can't...he wouldn't, after everything I did... Siwon, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

His right hand was now squeezing his hospital gown and hitting heavily his chest, like he wanted to rip his heart out of it. As if he couldn't bear to have it just beat there, inside his body, like nothing happened. Like his brother was still alive and he didn't lose a part of himself.

Like everything was fine.

Like he was fine.

Joohoon stepped closer and dropped gently his trembling hands and half his body around Jiwook, stopping him from hurting himself, embracing him in his warmth and praying for it to help the younger realize, that he wasn't alone.

- Jiwook.

He whispered above Jiwook's head, his tears that now rolled down, fell on the other's heavy eyelashes melding in his own tears.

- It's all because of me.

- Jiwook, it's not your-

- No. No. It's my fault. I knew it. I felt it. He is gone. All because of me!

Jiwook's voice kept rising though it rang only higher and thinner, not much louder, with his breathing unstable and rushed, he was nearly chocking on his words.

- I want to see him. I need to see Siwon.

- Jiwook-

- No! Let me!

- Jiwook please.

Joohoon tried, tightened his embrace, caressed him, called him out again and again, yet nothing could rich the younger.

And Jiwook was close to break down.

- Why? Why did you save me? Why? For what? I... would have seen him! Yes, I should, you, just let me, let me die-

- JIWOOK! STOP!

Joohoon cried out loud for the first time, making Jiwook and everyone in the room freeze, his voice too distressed to actually belong to him, too broken, too shaking, still it was his and the younger was shocked to hear it sound like that.

- Joo...hoon?, Jiwook asked back as though only then he was aware of the older's presence.

- Yes. It's me.

Jiwook's hands moved blindly to his side and Joohoon's arms wrapped around him, searching for the other's face.

- I... I can't see you.

Joohoon took the younger's hand and put it on his face, dropping a kiss in Jiwook's palm.

- I'm here.

Jiwook's eyes were looking at him, wide and unfocused, its blue that Joohoon missed so much, the most in his life, was then dull and bare of any of the shine and liveliness he remembered.

Right then his cherished blue eyes looked dead and his heart stopped at that frightening sight. Joohoon quickly kissed both of Jiwook's eyes as if to put some life in it.

It was cold. His tears never ceased to fall.

- It's ok. I'm here. I'm with you, Jiwook.

He meant to reassure the younger, to calm him, to make him feel secure, to help him, at least for a little bit, overcome his fear, his despair, his loss, however, Joohoon himself felt so anxious and afraid, his hands were still shaking.

- Hyung, hyung!, Jiwook hugged him back tightly and burst out crying again, his hands fidgeting up and down, contouring Joohoon's back, arms, his shoulders, his hair, his face, as though only in that way he could be sure that it was Joohoon indeed.

- I want... to see you!

Joohoon closed his eyes and sunk in darkness together with Jiwook. That voice begged and begged, crushing, tearing apart his bleeding heart in ripped shreds maybe with no hope to put it together ever again.

- I want to see you so much!

All hope was gone. There was only pain left.