Sincerely, Vantae

ECONOMY

I couldn’t stop crying.

My heart felt heavy, and no matter how many times I wiped away my tears, more of them fell down my face. A part of me wished that I was sitting in coach and not first class so it would be easier to hide my pain, so flight attendants wouldn’t be so accessible and could stop offering me endless drinks and looks of sympathy.

I started to wonder if the heartbreak was written all over my face, if the other passengers in my cabin could see it.

vantae’s words, “I’m sorry…I love you, but not in that way,” wouldn’t stop replaying themselves in my head, and I couldn’t stop staring at his last text:

Yes. It was just sex.

I was hoping that the words were playing a cruel joke on me, because I still couldn’t believe he felt differently than I did…

I’d thought the way he looked at me when we made love meant something, that the way he treated me (better than anyone he’d ever dated) was indicative of something more. Something much more between us.

“Here you go…” A flight attendant set another packet of Kleenex in my lap.

“Would you like another cup of juice?”

“No…” I sniffled. “I’m…” I paused. I would probably never see her or any of the people on this plane again in my life.

“Can I have two glasses of your hardest liquor? Actually, can you make that four?”

She looked as if she was going to recite some company line, but she smiled instead. “Be right back.”

Turning to face the window, I stared at the wing of the plane as it cruised through clouds. I hoped that four glasses of alcohol would be enough for me to sleep through the remaining hours of this flight without dreaming.

Then again, if I did, I hoped that the images would show me going back in time and not talking to Vantae as much. Maybe if we’d never had the opportunity to cross the line, this never would have happened.

I scrolled through my memories with him, pinpointing one that would’ve definitely prevented my heartbreak. It wasn’t erasing any of our nightly phone calls or the emails, or hanging around him when we were in high school; it was making the decision to go to a college near his.

I should’ve never done that…