Sincerely, Vantae

LILY FLOWER

purityEach different variety of lily holds a different meaning. But the most common meaning is purity and fertility. The sweet and innocent beauty of the lily flower has given it the association of fresh life and rebirth. Although the meaning can differ depending on its colour.

I refreshed my email inbox again and again, hoping for a reply, knowing there wouldn't be one.

I was sitting in a booth at The Book Bar, pretending to listen to my much older cousin, Baekhyun. He was the only person in my shattered family that I talked to every now and then. He'd been there when I lost my father, when my mom walked away, and he'd made sure to come visit me at least twice a year, no matter how hectic his schedule was.

We'd been sitting in our booth for over an hour, though, and the only thing I'd paid attention to was our first hello. Everything after that was a blur.

"vantae?" He waved his hand in front of my face, getting my attention. "Are you in there? Are you listening?"

"Barely...My apologies. What were you saying?"

"Nothing." He shook his head. "But now that I have your attention, I think you need to get laid. How long has it been?"

"Who knows? Every day seems to be blending together these days."

"I warned you about law school, told you it was a kill-joy."

"Aren't you a lawyer?"

"We're all lawyers." He laughed. "I'm sure your dad is proud and looking down on you from above. He's probably beating his chest and yelling, 'That's my boy! The Kim's pride! The Kim's blood!'"

"My dad was so full of shit sometimes."

"He was." He sipped his beer. "What's the real reason you're looking like ass though? Usually when I come to see you, we go out and party. We haven't done shit so far, but hang out on the beach and drink."

"That sounds so unfortunate..."

"It is for someone like you. What's up? Please don't make me guess."

"You can try if you like."

"Okay, cool." He ordered another round of beers. "You don't really want to be a lawyer. You want to backpack across the world and shoot exotic porn for a living?"

"What? No...Law school is fine. I'm flying straight through it."

"Just checking." He laughed. "Okay, no wait. I've got it. Another girl dumped you for being an asshole?"

"Shockingly, no."

"Okay then... Another girl dumped you for talking to Lili too much?"

My jaw clenched at the sound of Lili's name.

"Again, vantae?" He shook his head. "How many times are you going to keep making that mistake? The two of you really do talk way too much."

"That's not it." I signaled to the bartender for another drink.

"Well, if that's not it...What is it?"

"You said you were guessing."

"Right, um...I don't know, man. What, is lili mad at you about something?"

I nodded.

"Okay, so?" He laughed. "It's Lili. She'll get over whatever it is eventually, I'm sure. It's not like you slept with her."

I said nothing.

His eyes met mine and he damn near choked on his beer. "Holy shit. You had sex with Lili?"

I didn't answer.

"You slept together, didn't you? Didn't you?"

"You do realize that you're asking the same exact question back to back, correct?"

"It's a habit of a courtroom lawyer." He slid me one of his beers and opened a new tab. "Anyway, when did this happen? Like, when did it start?"

"A few months ago."

"Hmmm." He shook his head. "Well, I honestly wish I could say I'm surprised but...I'm only surprised that it took you two this long to do it."

I glared at him. "You're not helping."

"I'm not here to help. I'm here to use you as a wingman and have fun. You're not helping with that..."

I raised my hand for another drink.

"Did you two only have sex once?" he asked.

"More than once," I said. Way more than once...

"There were no 'I finally see the light' or 'I love you's at the end?"

"No..."

"Why not?" He sipped his beer.

"I had my reasons..."

"Your reasons? Please. If it were anyone else, I might be able to swallow that. But you two?" He shook his head. "You're both too stupid to realize that you've been in love with each other your entire lives."

I gave him a blank stare.

"You don't believe me?" he asked.

"I don't have to. I'm pretty sure if I was in love with her for my entire life, I would've never dated anyone else..."

"One," he said, counting off on his fingers. "In sixth grade, she threw a birthday party and you were the only one who came."

"So?"

"So, for your birthday party, you only invited her to get back at all the people who dissed her the year before. You even gave her the invitation in front of everyone at school, including your 'first-kiss' girlfriend."

"I was just being a good friend."

"Two, you can't last in any relationship because you subconsciously compare every woman you date to lili, even when you know you'll never be completely open with them if they do measure up."

"I have an unfortunate tendency to pick bat-shit crazy women. I never compare them to lili."

"Three, if she calls you, you answer immediately and then you go running to wherever she is if she asks you to."

"Any best friend would do that."

"In the middle of a date? Or right after sex with his girlfriend?" He crossed his arms. "I don't think so."

I said nothing.

"That's what I thought. Now that you're somewhat accepting of the truth, do you want the most obvious fucking reason that you're in love with Lili Moon and always have been?"

"Not really."

He grabbed my arm and pointed to the small Lily Flower tattoo. "Any reason why you've never covered that or etched over it like any of your other ones?... "

"It's become a drunken memory. It makes for a good story."

"For who, vantae? No future wife or girlfriend is going to think that's a good story and you fucking know it."

I shrugged. "None of my previous girlfriends have ever complained to me about it before."

"That's because none of your previous girlfriends were ever smart enough to know all the types of fucking flowers. They'd probably be shocked to know that there was one Lily in the first place."

I tried to think of a rebuttal, but I couldn't find one.

"You know what? Let's get out of here..." He actually sounded sympathetic. "You've got it bad, and I'm going to need a better wingman while I'm on this trip. Pussy whipped and love sick Vantae is not going to help me at all..."