ʟᴏꜱᴛ ʟᴏᴠᴇ

60

Ariya

Denial is such a dangerous feelings.

No wants to believe something they don't want to. They'll do absolutely anything to convince themselves that they aren't what other people are saying.

No one wants to be a villain.

Except, I knew I was one.

Since the day I made the decision to hide Rylan from Khyson I regretted it. But I was too damn selfish to admit it.

Who does that?

Who hides their son from their father.

I ached for reassurance, for someone to hold my body and tell me im not selfish. But I knew that relief wasn't coming.. anytime soon.

Kamerons words were true.

So we're Khyson's.

I shouldn't have told Kameron about Khyson's past, if he hadn't told him it was not my place. Shit, im such a Bad friend.

I'm a bad friend, mother, lover.

Maybe I didn't deserve to be Rylans mother, i didn't deserve Khyson's love, or Williams.

Even though my truths are out there, a little piece of me still wishes things would go back to normal, but does that make me selfish? I am selfish for wanting to go back to a simpler time?

A time were Khyson was across the country, Rylan was a baby who could barely form coherent  sentences. When I was somewhat.. happy.

I've never had it good, Kameron was right. My pain and suffering couldn't be used as an excuse anymore.

All the pain was overtaking me, my chest felt like a rack of fire, I shut my eyes when the stall began to close in on me. I just wanted to go away? Disappear and make the pain go away.

"Ariya."

I could hear his voice as his fist banged on the stall.

I shut his voice out and tucked my head deeper into my legs.

"Unlock the stall, please."

I shook my head, covering my ears with my palms.

"You're okay, You're okay, You're okay." I mumbled, and mumbled and mumbled.

I stumbled forward and gripped the toilet bowl with my hands, spilling my dinner from last night into the bowl.

"Ariya! Let me in!" His voice pounded against my head.

I loosened my limbs and slid down the side of the stall, sloppily wiping my mouth with my wrist.

I didn't deserve what I had.

I heard a bang when the stall whipped opened and Khyson's large frame bent down in front of me.

"Ariya."

I remained silent, trying to calm my breathing down. Yet every inhale seemed to be a struggle.

It wasn't working.