Spill Me

~Red Thread~

You tell me, how else should I persuade my heart that you're not the one for me cause I'm out of tricks to fool.

Did something possess me while all of these happened in a short circuit, it's all blurry that I couldn't get a grip on the words released. It all felt like a dream, more to say a nightmare. It obviously didn't end well, I do indeed wish this was just a fictional book that I got stuck into and waiting to free myself through ripping pages.

I wanna remember all the good memories we had, though it wasn't solid before my eyes... I wanted to remember your sleepy voice and the teases...but ever since our ties loosed, I forgot everything, there is nothing for me to look back at and cry over or be happy about. I guess it was probably my trauma response and my mind blocked it off so I wouldn't suffer even more. Hopefully, thoughts about you and me come back in a flash of lightning once I'm done healing. I really wanna hold down to the portraits we did cause I'm unable to hold onto you, at least that'll be a spot I'd look at in my future and feel pleasant.

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm really healing or just convincing that I am...I have almost forgotten how it feels to be healing after all the too good moments I had with you. Maybe I was never fully recovered but you somehow came out of nowhere to treat those wounds without you even knowing. I really did think we hold something special, guess it was all me and I'm probably not even close to that word when it comes to you, maybe I'm just one of those who you text well online just cause you can 'vibe' with em. We are very much at distance now, it's me who shielded but that is solely to draw the lines between us and for me to not get hurt. I wanted to keep the limits no matter how much I want them to be out of the radar. You have someone else, who caught everything in you as you said and the one that's equal to you to do things I could never do with you which is why I set my boundaries. You belong to someone else and I'm afraid I might express things I shouldn't clearly after knowing this and that's why I'm building this huge wall with little gaps between bricks so I could check on you from time to time and make sure you are all good and happy. Slowly greens will grow in the middle of those holes and I shall never look back at the history of you and me. 

I wish I was able to see those red strings that are tied to one's pinky which leads to another, the one they call soulmates, destiny, meant to be or even twin flame. If only it was visible to my eyes, I could've known if you're the one for me and decided on whether to let go of the grip on your collar of my favourite shirt and I will slowly leave your world.

Now, the fantasized "red thread" has to sever.

A/N: funny how I have this much to say when there was nothing to even begin with.  

(also, I thought adoxography would be the last chapter regarding this story, hopefully, a closure comes.....)

goodnight~

<3