Chapter 6

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I enter the house and head up to my bedroom grabbing any clothes. I close the door when i feel my eyes burning, i welcome the tears that begin to fall on my cheeks and the ache in my chest.

This fucking feeling i hate it, it doesn't make sense how i can feel it in my chest when something hurts my feelings. I begin to hit my chest where is located the stupid heart just for the pain to go away. Can someone please remove the knife that he planted in my heart? I hit more and more increasing the power of the hit but it just won't go away. I can't stop myself from crying, i try everything i know like pinching my ear or hitting my leg but no it doesn't go away. The pain doesn't go away. Seeing him replacing me was like receiving a giant electric chock. I try to breath but i, i can't.

It hurts so bad.

It hurts so bad to see how much i put effort in our friendship..? To see him replacing me two weeks later. It really meant nothing to him? The laughs, the cries, the fights, the inside jokes, the hugs, the bond. It was all a lie?

How can someone be so cruel and so evil?

I try to stay away from the bathroom so i wouldn't hurt myself even though it's tempting and feels good and fuck it's just a little bit of blood.

I change my clothes, folding my uniform before going to stand in front of my mirror. I make sure there is nothing visible from my breakdown earlier. I will certainly not like a million questions, i'm already exhausted and the week has not begin yet. I want to hug someone and cry so bad. I want to run away from life.

Running away will be perfect. Somewhere where i'm a stranger to everybody

-Abi, where are you? I wanna eat pleasee, says my little sister interrupting the thread of my thoughts.

-Coming, coming, i say rather i scream.

Before heading to the kitchen, i reach for the food in my backpack and throw them in the trash, without anybody seeing me and throw different things to hide them. I'm tired of lectures and "You have to eat, you need it to grow". I have already grown so they can go away, i don't need this type of advices. Useless.

My parents aren't home, as usual so i'm the one who has to take care of my brother and sister.

I turn on the oven watching the fire heating up the lunch making sure it doesn't burn while imagining myself there, burning physically and increasing to a new level of pain, burning every inch of myself completely, making everything disappear and-

"Abi, you know that mom got me a new iPad?" says my little brother mocking me.

"And you know that i don't care? Leave me alone." I turn off the oven and scoop to everyone a plate for them to eat. When the meal is finished i put all the dishes in the sink and make sure everyone is studying and doesn't need anything.

I head up to my room forcing myself to stay away from the bathroom and sit on my desk deciding to begin torture. But before i need to open my phone. I search through WhatsApp his name and when it appears i enter it and begin writing him a simple hey but i decide against it when i see him online. He's probably talking to Stacy, he doesn't have time for me like he did. He replaced me.

I grab my books, clearing my head completely. I have to do well. I have to.

I begin studying without a pause, i don't deserve a pause. 4 hours went by and i'm almost done, but i don't have any force anymore to do anything.

I take my journal from the drawer and open it to the blank page and pour everything there.

Betrayal is the only thing i'm feeling now. He replaced me after two weeks and didn't even tried to make up for anything. He let me go and gave up on me,but i am still here, crying over the memory i had from this little boy with dark curls and cute little dimples smiling at me while he came to play with me because he saw me all alone.

Time really changed him, i don't recognize the sweet one i had. He transformed to a mean popular guy, bullying people for fun.

But can i blame him? Having his mother and little sister vanished killed him. He cried so hard the first days that his eyes were so puffy and swollen, he passed out from tiredness. He would wait every day, sitting on the stairs hoping they will come back.

Pain can turn away people and tramsform them. For some, pain will let them grow but for others, pain will shatter them, like it did to me. I never ever imagined myself cutting off eating from my life or even cutting myself.

I, i am done with being the back up plan and the third wheel. Is it a lot to ask? I want to be importsnt to people, i want to have a place in their hearts that no one will take, ever!

I want what i can't have but i promise, someday, i'm gonna have what i couldn't reach.

I close it when i hear the front door closing and a key making the sound that i hate, sign that my dad came back home.

Even if it is 7 pm, i drift off to sleep not having anything better to do.

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