Just Below the Surface (January to February 2022)

The root of my problems

2-10-22

The root of my problems lays in sunny spring days of my childhood.
When the tree line scraped the ground and in the house there wasn't a sound.
The door was locked and you were no where to be found.

I can't blame you for finding yourself and being who you always longed to be.
You finally had a chance to make a difference and have people rely on you.
But could you see? You had that all along. You had it in me.

I needed you. I wanted you. I needed your support. I needed you love.

Between all the screaming and fighting I began reading and writing, but not even that could be my own.

Now I don't blame you for everything. Dad was also at fault too. I see it, Abby sees it. And that's why we left. That's why we fall in love with every soul who promises a moment in time where we feel safe and loved. Because for so so long I never knew... I still don't know what that feels like. I just wanted to feel safe.

Now I notice everything. I don't trust people. I can't be happy. A man with kind brown eyes is just a man with daddy issues and a girlfriend. An Australian who promises freedom is just a boy who doesn't want to grow up. My ex husband just wanted to be like the only man he never could get close too. And I? I see that all. I had to watch for every little change in your voice, your mood.. and now I can't run like I did back then.

Back then Id take to the grass and the trees and pretended I was anywhere but there. But now I'm stuck. I'm drowning in everything I see and everything I feel. I want so badly not to be alone that I ignore it, praying that it'll get better. But it doesn't it. It doesn't.

I've been in the worse shape I've ever been. I've been beaten, lifeless and still. And even then... you never called. In the last 6 years where have you been? Even when I was right in front of you. Where were you? Where were you?

I know I'm not what you wanted. I know I'm a mess. I know my heart is on discount these days but that doesn't mean I'm okay with out you. But then again.. how can I need you if I never relied on you.

Well... I know it's late... but call when you're not busy.
I love you mom.