You Are Not a Monster

Circus for a Psycho

"You push me till I break
And the anger turns to rage
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Got your finger on the trigger
You think that you're the winner
But you're gonna get kicked off of your throne, no!

You think you're gonna hurt me
Get ready to get dirty
You created this beast inside
(this beast inside)
Pull the noose tighter
And lift a little higher
Cause you're killing me slow
I ain't ready to die."

A small groan escaped Bucky's lips as he regained consciousness. He didn't know where he was- a blindfold covered his eyes -but the smell of chemicals and the feel of a metal table against his bare back gave him a good idea.

And he didn't like it.

He thrashed, trying to escape, but he was bound to a metal table.

No, no, no, no, I can't be back here. He thought. His heart pounded in his chest, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

He struggled against his bonds, pulling as hard as he could. Even with his metal arm, he couldn't escape. He was left breathless and exhausted- whatever they injected him with earlier hadn't quite left his system.

"You're up. Good, I thought we'd have to wait another day or so." Someone said. The voice somewhat echoed in the room.

They pulled the blindfold from Bucky's eyes and he hissed as bright light stung them. He slowly adjusted them while the person messed with something attached to his flesh arm.

When he was finally able to open his eyes, he found a woman toying with machines beside his table. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun and she wore a white lab coat over a white blouse and black skirt. Bucky didn't remember her from his previous experiences in a lab, and decided she must be new.

When he looked down at himself, he found his shirt was missing (as he'd already known), restraints were cuffed all up his metal arm, and his legs (now in loose black pants) were bound to the table as well.

"Now, would you rather me call you 'Soldier', as the others had, or perhaps something a little more personal, say, 'Bucky'?" The woman said. Bucky just stared her down, his expression cold and emotionless.

"I was just wondering. It was what the girl called you, after all. Before we drugged her and brought you both here, that is."

The girl. They had Sam.

"You touch a hair on her head and I swear I will not stop until all of you are bleeding out on the floor." Bucky growled.

"You will not speak to me that way, Soldier!" The woman spat before hitting a button on one of the monitors. Electric current ran through his body, caused him to arch his back in pain. When it was through, Bucky was left panting and completely drained.

"The only reason we haven't wiped your memory yet is because they haven't finished assembling the Machine. Once they're done, you won't even know who she is. She'll be just another target." The woman said. Bucky heard the sound of footsteps as people approached from the hall. "Regardless, we have been testing a new serum..."

She picked up a vial of clear liquid and drew some into a syringe.

"Ma'am, the cell is ready." A man said. She ignored him until she'd finished injecting the liquid into Bucky's neck. He didn't notice any immediate effects, but that didn't necessarily mean anything.

"Excellent. I think it's about time we show our little guest to his new home." She said, removing the needle.

The woman grabbed another syringe from a tray next to Bucky's table. "Sleep well, Soldier. It may be the last chance you get." She said before jabbing the second needle into his neck. Bucky knew there was nothing he could do to fight it, so he let the darkness of sleep take over once again.

--•--•--•--•--

The next time Bucky woke, he wasn't strapped to a table. He wasn't even restrained. Instead, he was locked inside a small, reinforced cell. It was painted white, the only light coming through a small slit in the solid door.

Not even gonna give me a window?

He tried to stand to get a better view out of the window, but his legs wouldn't cooperate. Instead he ended up falling back, slamming his head on the hard cell wall and making it throb even more than it already was.

"Unnngh..." He groaned, blinking spots from his vision.

Suddenly, he heard screaming outside the cell, mainly consisting of profanity.

"Let me go, you son of a bitch!" A girl screamed. Bucky managed to drag himself up to the small slit for a window and saw a girl being dragged across the ground. She had dark hair and green eyes, and as she struggled she spotted Bucky's cell.

"Bucky! Help!" She yelled before she was slapped across the face. The only recognition that she had been struck was a growl through bared teeth. "Bucky!"

Bucky wasn't sure who she was or how she knew his name.

Should I know her?

His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to recognize her, but nothing came.

"Bucky?" Sam asked, fear filling her voice. "You can fight whatever they've done to you. I know you-"

She was cut off by a thick iron door slamming, sealing her in with the HYDRA agents that had dragged her there.

Why can't I remember you?

Bucky sat back in his cell, trying as hard as he could to remember her. All that got him was a headache.

Instead, he waited. He tried to listen in on what was happening in the cell, hearing only strings of suggestions that were anatomically impossible and screams of pain. It went on like that for, as far as Bucky could tell, 2 hours before they removed the girl from her cell. She was bloody and beaten and the entire right side of her face was bruised and puffy.

"Bucky," she croaked before one of the guards slapped her and told her to "shut up!" Bucky noticed she didn't respond, so he knew she was really in bad shape.

Still, Bucky didn't say anything.

"Don't let them break you any more. You're not one of their puppets-agh!" She yelled raggedly, the end clipped short by a cry of pain.

"Sam..." Bucky muttered.

Oh god, it's Sam.

He remembered her.

"Sam!" He yelled as loud as he could. He saw the relief in her eyes when she heard him. As the guards dragged her around a corner, a new face appeared outside, this one with bright blue eyes and blond hair pulled into a tight bun.

"No matter how much you try and fight it, Soldier, you will not win." The doctor lady said.

Despite how much he wanted to mouth off, Bucky remained quiet as she stepped back and closed a door on the slit. Whatever light that had been shining through before was gone, leaving him in total darkness.

He was afraid.

He knew they were going to put him in that machine again. They would take his memories, give him a new assignment, make him kill Sam and then send him back after Steve.

No, they can't. I won't let them.

He recalled the little mantra he'd repeated over and over as he laid on the table while Zola experimented on him.

"James Barnes, Sergeant, US Army, 32557038."

That was the only thing keeping him sane and himself before. He hoped to god it would work now.

The next thing Bucky knew, guards were busting into his cell. They tried to grab him, and he fought back until he felt yet another needle being stuck into his arm.

"Sam! NO! No! No..." Bucky screamed, each yell losing strength as the sedative took hold once more.

"Take him to the Machine." The woman's voice said, though Bucky could hardly hear it.

No...please........no..........

Bucky desperately tried to take control of his limbs, but they wouldn't work. He felt himself being dragged out of his cell, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.