You Are Not a Monster

Darkest Part

"You looked inside then you turned away,
My makeshift savior,
He left me right here in my chains,
But still I whisper,
(I'm calling out)
Still I call you,

I never wanted you to see,
The Darkest Part of me,
I knew you'd run away,
I waited but you never came,

So afraid to be alone,
I tried to let you go,
Still I find you lost inside the Darkest Part of me"

"Hey, that guy looks a lot like you!" Sam said, squinting at the man behind Steve. The Soldier didn't say anything, just stared at the image. It cut to a new clip of him laughing, standing at Steve's side. His breathing quickened as the same image flashed through his brain, but from his point of view.

On the TV, labels popped up beneath the new still of the Howling Commandos. "James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes" was under him. He noticed Sam's eyes widen as she began to put the pieces together.

"The hell?" he heard her mutter as his vision darkened and he slipped into another memory. Her muffled calls faded as he saw a reflection of himself in a window, standing in an alleyway with Steve by his side. They were slowly walking out of it (from what Bucky could tell it was after he'd saved Steve from yet another fight), and he was telling Steve about a conventon they were going to. Suddenly, the scene changed. In the window, his reflection began to morph. The hat fell from his head as long dark hair sprouted on top of his head. His neat green uniform was replaced by a tight black tactical suit, gun and knife holsters at his hips and thighs. He struggled and yelled at Steve to run, but no matter how hard Bucky tried his friend didn't seem to notice.

"Bucky? You all right?" He asked instead.

"Steve, ru-"

He couldn't even get the full word out before a black mask covered his mouth. When he looked at himself in the window, he didn't see the furrowed eyebrows and worried expression he expected. Instead he saw cold, dead eyes burning with hatred and determination. He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, finding Steve's hand there.

"Bucky?" He asked. The Soldier's metal arm shot out and his hand clamped around Steve's throat. He lifted the scrawny man off the ground, a small grin hidden beneath the mask as he threw him against a wall.

"Bucky!" Steve croaked under the Soldier's vice-like grip. Something about his voice sounded different...more feminine.

"Bucky, please!"

This time there was an obvious change in his voice. It wasn't him, it was...Sam!

The vision faded as he was brought back to reality, finding his arm thrown out and pinning Sam against a wall by the throat. Immediately he let go, and she dropped to the ground. She grasped her already-bruising throat as she gasped for breath. The Soldier stumbled back, shocked at what he had done.

"Bucky..." Sam choked.

"I have to go." He said quietly as he grabbed the gear that was folded on the table in the entryway. He didn't even care about getting his weapons back, he just knew that he needed to get as far away from Sam as he could.

"Bucky, wait!"

"Stay away from me." The Soldier warned.

"It's not your fault-" she said, quickly running to him in the entryway.

"I don't want to hurt you!" He said sternly.

"Bucky-" Her hand grabbed his shoulder and he spun around. She cowered at the sudden movement, and as soon as he realized what he was doing, his eyes widened and he backed off.

"See what I mean? I'm a monster." The Soldier whimpered, sliding down the wall. His head throbbed and his vision spun. It was impossible for him to remain standing.

Sam crouched in front of him. There seemed to be two of her so he focused his vision on the ground instead, a pained expression covering his face.

"A monster? Would a monster have offered to help me clean the dishes? Would he have played me such a beautiful song on the piano? Would a monster have let me go, told me to stay away because he was afraid of hurting me?" She asked, gently brushing a loose strand of his long hair back. He looked up so his ice-blue eyes met her soft green ones. "James Buchanan Barnes, you are not a monster."

Tears pooled in the Soldier's eyes, spilling over his cheeks. Everything in him wanted to believe she was right, that he was good. But the memories of all the innocents he'd killed, of all the wrongs he had done, stuck no matter how hard he tried to force them out. It was the Soldier part of him that had done it, not the Bucky part, but it was his hands that had done the killing, his hands that had pulled the trigger.

"I didn't mean to..." He choked, unable to finish the sentence. He'd done so much wrong. He'd killed so many, tried to kill his own best friend. And now he nearly killed Sam, yet another innocent. There were no words for how sorry he was, how much he wished he could take it all back, could've just died when he fell from the train instead of becoming this.

"It's okay. Bucky, it's okay. It wasn't you. None of it was you." Sam crooned, wiping a tear away with her thumb before resting a hand on the side of his face.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered, not just for the incident with her, but for everything. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay." Sam said, wrapping her arms around him, soothingly running her hand through his hair as he buried his head in her shoulder. She whispered the words again and again, and each time they drove themselves further into the Soldier's skull. He didn't care that he was shaking, that tears freely fell from his face. For a moment, he forgot all about the Soldier part.

That's because I'm not him, he thought. I'm not the Winter Soldier anymore. I am Bucky Barnes. Not that heartless monster.