You Are Not a Monster

Start Again

"What if I let you in?
What if I make it right?
What if I give it up?
What if I want to try?
What if you take a chance?
What if I learn to love?
What if, what if we Start Again?"

Warm water was a foreign concept to the Soldier. Every shower he had taken was short, cold, and anything but relaxing, as apparently showers were supposed to be. So when he found out there was such thing as a 'hot shower,' the Soldier took advantage of it. He stood under the warm stream of water, noticing how it ran brown and red down the drain.

He realized that was the first luxury he'd ever allowed himself.

HYDRA only gave him a matted rag and bar of soap to wash up with. Here, there were assortments of hair products, body washes, and scrubs.

The second luxury was the shampoo.

He worked the rosemary/mint-scented soap into his tangled hair, the water running a deeper shade of brown than before as he rinsed it out. He even washed it a second time, grime still releasing itself from his long, tangled hair.

Something called 'conditioner' was next. According to the bottle, it would untangle the dark mess, so he used it.

Next he carefully scrubbed the dried blood and dirt off with a washcloth Sam had left paired with a towel for him on the counter. Wincing as he only slightly touched the dark blue bruise that covered half of his right side, the Soldier realized his wounds were worse than he had previously thought. There was no way he could run in his condition, and how he'd managed it before was a mystery.

Once he was done he stood under the warm water, letting it further relax his muscles. He stood for so long that the water had begun to run cold.

He stepped out, drying off before putting his clothes back on. Now that the water was off, he could hear singing coming from downstairs. He paused to listen.

"When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom-"

She was interrupted by the loud clang of a metal pot being dropped and some inappropriate German words which the Soldier recognized.

The smallest grin tugged at his lips, and even the minuscule difference was enough to change his appearance entirely.

He was less of the Winter Soldier and more of Bucky Barnes.

Pulling his clothes back on was difficult, especially getting his arm back through his new shirt. Though he hadn't noticed it so much when he first put it on, pain shot down his right arm when he tried to lift it. It was better than it had been when he was running, and the warm water had certainly helped, but he guessed Sam had also done something to fix his crude job of quickly relocating the bone.

She continued her singing as the Soldier carefully made his way down the steep stairs.

"Hey Jude..."

The Soldier guessed it was a new song, judging by the change of melody. He heard music in the background, finding Sam pulling bowls from a cabinet.

As soon as she saw him, she turned down the music.

"Sorry. I'm kinda in a Beatles mood. Haven't listened to them in a while." Sam said as she turned to whatever was in the pot. She spooned some of it into the bowl and sat it aside, doing the same with the other bowl.

"Sit." She said, nodding to the small table by the kitchen. He immediately did as he was told- the Soldier always followed orders. The wooden chair creaked under his weight as he lowered himself into it, minding his injuries. Though he sat, however, he didn't relax.