English Love Affair » niam

Chapter 21

~not edited~

When Niall woke up the morning after, he saw that Liam had left a note saying he'd taken Persephone and Athena to see his mum and they'd be back by dinner. Niall knew Liam did that so he'd spend time with Ares. "Hey buddy." Niall smiled weakly and picked up the cooing baby. He brushed back his hair and kissed him on the temple gently. "Are you hungry?" He asked, sitting down on his and Liam's bed so he hadn't had to hold him very long.

He still doesn't know how to hold a baby properly. he just sat down to feed him. But he still couldn't feel the connection to him. His eyes were watery, and he'd cried to himself a little. He knew for the life of him he wouldn't let a thing in the world happen to that child, but he just didn't love him as his. "I'm such a bad father Ares." Niall whispered to him. "Forgive me okay? Please forgive me."

Ares just looked at him with the biggest eyes, as he ate his breakfast from his daddy. Niall tried everything that day. He gave him a bath, and he held him as best as he could, and he forced himself to give the baby kisses. He honestly tried as hard as he could, but when he saw those babies eyes. He saw nothing.

When Liam had come back, he saw Niall trying, and he saw Niall struggling. He frowned. Maybe something was really wrong. It wasn't like Niall wasn't putting the effort in. He was physically making himself upset over this. He wouldn't let Liam or the girls hold him. It was just because he was trying love his the baby. Close contact usually fixes post-partum. Niall had read that somewhere. But it wasn't helping.

This carried on for weeks, even months. Niall decided he wasn't going on tour with Harry the next year because of it. At eleven months old Ares was walking around, and trying to talk and Athena would help him out and so would Persephone. Niall would just sit and watch the three kids interact.

Niall wouldn't be able to tell you the last time he and Liam slept together. They didn't touch each other like they used to. They still loved each other to the end of the Earth and back, and sometimes Liam would walk by and either swat him on the bum or give him a little pinch. But that was as far as it went. Kisses, swats, and hugs. Neither of them really wanted another child. They wanted to be together. But they couldn't have children together if Niall didn't get any better.

He never stopped trying is what fascinated Liam. He'd try and get him to talk about it on some nights. Ares' cot still in their room, Niall would watch him sleep on nights he couldn't and sometimes Liam would wake up and see Niall sitting there. Sometimes he'd hear Niall whispering to the little boy. Once he heard him say "i wish i fvcking loved you like I should, Ares." and he heard him sniffle. Liam always knew how sensitive the topic was to Niall, and he'd try not to bring it up. Because Niall WAS trying.

When Ares was eleven months old, they went to a barbecue at Liam's mum's. She'd tried to help Niall in the earlier stages of this post-partum, she felt seriously sorry for the young lad.  Liam's sisters, and their friends were all talking about their children around Niall. They were talking with such pride. Niall couldn't will himself to say anything prideful about Ares.

Not even when they asked, "So, Niall! Ares' birthday is coming up yeah?" Niall just nodded.

"Yeah."

"Are you throwing him a party?"

"Liam is." Niall blushed and he looked down and kept his eyes on the beer in his hand as they glossed over. "I uhm... I'm gunna go." Niall excused himself and Liam held him inside for an hour and a half until he stopped crying.

-

Niall sat down with Ares in the floor and grabbed some of his toys to play. "Ares, play with daddy yeah? where does the red block go?" he asked and handed Ares the block who pushed it through the red block spot.

He'd repeat the process over and over again with different colours as Ares sucked on his dummy and he giggled when Niall poked him on the nose. "why is it so hard?" Niall asked as he picked the blocks out of the spots and looked at Ares. "You're so lovely, and beautiful, and you aren't a little brat." Niall chuckled weakly. "You're my baby and I'm supposed to love you."  Niall kept talking. "I do love you to an extent, don't think that I don't." Niall sighed and laid on his back next to Ares, who just flopped against his chest. "but i love you in more of an older brother kind of way and I don't like it one bit." Niall admitted. "i want to love you like you're my son Ares. I'm trying really hard, I promise you I'm trying... I just don't know why I feel this way and it's impossible to fix unless I know why I feel like this. " Niall explained and Ares just stared at him.

Liam was leaning against the doorframe at the kitchen and he just shook his head. He knew Niall was having this rough, but he knew they'd get through it. That Niall would overcome it.

Niall would smile at him and just try to pick out the pieces in parts that made him just as good as Athena and Persephone. The only flaw, he was made from a part of himself.

---------------------

A/N: [961 words]

sorry for skipping around a lot, but Niall's having a MAJOR issue rn and he needs some support, it doesn't say if he's getting this support or not truly.

Thanks for the reads and votes and everything. it means a lot.

You can find breathe. on my ao3 if you want to read it. I moved it and it will be brought back as soon as i get inspiration to write it.

I'm starting Fool's Gold again (and possible R&B Queen) and I'm going to work on TMTN (Peter Pan sequel) so be ready for that.

-Celly Azad