The thoughts are back;
Replaying in my head
And I can't stop them,
Can't control them
As they feed off this heavy feeling-
As it weighs me down
And I can't move.
I can't breathe.
It's taking over
And I fear it may never leave
Without warning
And now without words
I feel blank and empty
And my thoughts are not my own,
Nothing seems to matter
Stuck inside, and all alone.
Looking at the world
From high up above
Wondering...if only I could fall..
Sensing nothing,
Feeling nothing at all
Out of mind
With distant thoughts convincing,
I know what to do
My reasons for actions
Enough to follow through
There's a pressure in my head:
Waiting for it to explode,
Waiting for everyone to dismiss my reality
Dismissed as an episode
When I'm here
The rage is too much to bear
Self hatred can no longer be contained
So much blood from only a few deep tears
But satisfaction never truly gained
Damage done, no longer care
My obsession. my life. my only love. my only friend.
The only constant in my pathetic life,
That I'll hold to the end.
The only reality I understand,
Not what's in my head. But what's in my hand.
Need the pain
To know I'm real
But while I'm in this place
I'd cut that beautiful blue tube
Without ever the chance to feel
I'm not here anymore.
But I know you look at me with those eyes
But I'm not behind them
I'm so far away, you're staring at a disguise
I don't want to move anymore
I want to lie here and rot
Until the pain on the inside bleeds through
Until you see I'm something I'm not
Until there is complete absence of thought
This familiar place
May just be when I am well
You wouldn't know,
You've never experienced my hell
This heavy sadness without reason
Categorized as my 'down' season
The world, a faded photo
In familiar shades of grey
Like watching a movie
Never taking part in the display
Stuck inside this caged body forever,
Never bother to try and scream
A living nightmare for me,
Your life, merely a dream
[What you see of me is not always as it seems]
The fat, the veins, the tendons, the muscle, the bone
Soon protruding, now worse than ever before
I want this, I need this,
But blissful pain I never find
As my blood just fills the floor..
