Your Last Everything

Chapter Sixteen - Ava

Aiden's fever was up and down for three days. They were three days of him screaming, crying, and each second of every day broke my heart. Tylenol baby could only do so much before his fussiness came back.

I hadn't showered or left the house in three days. I had to call work ahead and ask for some time off so that I wouldn't lose my job.

Usually, when Aiden was fussy, I could nurse him and it would help calm him down, but this time nothing calmed him down.

I knew it was because he was in pain and every parenting book I read did nothing to help. My parents tried to help by taking him off my hands when I needed to use the restroom.

Even then I would go really fast because I could hear him on the other side crying, calling out to me.

Skin-on-skin contact aided in calming him down at night, so I slept naked for three nights just so that I could have a moment of peace and quiet.

It was like this every time he had to get his shots, but it didn't matter how many times I had to deal with this.

It was harder each time. I have truly never felt more alone than when Aiden was sick and crying. It made me feel terrible and shitty, which consisted of me having multiple breakdowns these past few days.

Anything made me cry. Whoever made up the saying don't cry over spilled milk clearly didn't know how the feeling of pumping four ounces and then just having it spill all over the counter.

I'm pretty sure I sobbed at that alone.

A newborn baby is nothing compared to a baby who had taken his shots. Besides the breakdowns and the fact that my deodorant did nothing to mask my rotting smell of milk and sweat, I haven't slept or gotten a single minute to myself for some peace and quiet.

I hadn't checked my phone like how I usually was able to. Aiden was a clingy baby when he was sick, so I didn't want to be sitting on my phone while he was cuddling in my arms.

I wanted to give him all my attention, time, and comfort, especially since I was his only parent.

I didn't know if it was a universal thing, but I didn't want anyone to see me like this.

So fragile. So disgusting. So exhausted. Being a mother wasn't a pretty job.

Have you ever given a baby medicine just to have them throw it up all over your clothes?

Have you ever had to give a baby rectal medicine to help with their pain just for them to get projectile diaherra?

It was something I didn't want my parents seeing, let alone Dimitri.

I didn't want him to see any of this. I knew it was selfish and stupid, but I didn't want him to take a peek at this part of my life.

This sliver of what it's like to be a mother, and run away. I really liked him, and I didn't want to lose him.

I knew he claimed he didn't care or that he's here for the entire package, but unless you've seen a baby vomit milk like a fucking tsunami all over your clothes, I don't think you're allowed to say that.

I know I wasn't giving him the chance to experience the whole nine yards of Aiden with me, but it's only because I had a feeling he wouldn't last.

That we wouldn't last. It felt good to finally have something nice and good in my life.

A man who wanted me and only me. A man who didn't care about anything besides Aiden and me.

A man who held me like he'd never have the opportunity to again. A man who kissed me like it was his first time every time.