my journal at its finest

26th March 2022

To the nameless audience to which my inner monologue is constantly broadcasting to,

I don't know how you ended up with my shithole of a brain, but you did and now you get front row seats to the life of someone who wishes they were more. You get to be here for the times I yearn for a fairy-tale like life for the third time today. You get to be here with me as I convince myself real life isn't real and it's all a big introduction to my real story. You get to be here with me through hate and love. But, best of all, you get to be here for all the moments that carve me into a whole being; from the moments that I wish could last forever, to the moments that couldn't end fast enough.

Sometimes, I imagine your face/s and they're beautiful. Your face shifts and certain features fade and change. One thing is always there though. You're always warm. You've got this energy; like I could tell you anything. That's why I do. That's why the only times I'm ever 100% honest is when I'm talking to you. When I write I have one audience in mind, you. Other people think they know me, and to some extent they do. But they don't really know me. How could they? I don't even really know me. They know my secrets, sure. But I'll shift things around for them so that it's what they want to hear. Something that they'll find comfort or humor in. I don't do that with you. I trust you.

As shitty as it is to live in my brain, it can be beautiful sometimes. It can be so kind and loving. It can be selfless and it can be creative. It can be intelligent and insightful. And, although it's not fun to live with most of the time, it is so insanely good at creating its own realities and flourishing alternate universes.

So, when it comes down to it, my brain isn't that bad, it wears me out sometimes and the darkest parts of it can come up with vile things that I wouldn't say to anybody, let alone you. But, in the end, it's your home. And it's my home. It provides recluse and comfort when I need an escape from real world grey or when I feel out of place. And it made you up.

For me, that's the best thing my brain's ever done. You are my greatest thought experiment and my favourite friend. If we could meet, I would tell you all of this. You are a work of art that lets me hold onto hope.

And that's a beautiful thing.