The Songwriter's Funeral Song

XIX. Ashes, We All Fall Down

The Songwriter’s Funeral Song
Ashes, We All Fall Down

For a long time, I’ve stayed in my aunt’s home. Two days after when Riri’s funeral came on time. Riri didn’t give me a hint of her funeral song. But I guess, she didn’t make one. She’s not ready to be fine like the ashes in the urn. But I hope that she should have been doing fine when she’s still living. For the smiles that she gave to me and those wisdom that cut deep through my soul, I should give her a return. Takuya said that she might not hear it anymore, but who knows? Even if there were boundaries, I should still try.

See-Throughs

Say, where does the abandoned cat sleep?
Is it on the cold concrete floor or just in a carton?
In its pebbled eyes, it sees it as a home
But just in my scenery, it’s someone that I should keep

In my bag made of cloth, I put a new hope
I’m happy to keep the needy, but even I needed it
We’ll both gain reward and glee
We’ll fill each other’s glasses and will never feel empty

The purr it gives means it’s contented
It shares the things that would only be handled by whom it trusts
Am I one? Am I one of those whom it trusted?
If so… I should return all that I must

I’ve been glad to have its company
We became connected, we became good allies
But even if that happened, I’m not sure of the transparency
Behind its loveable purr, there should be a worry.

At times that the cat is silent,
Misery becomes transparent
But through its meows of melody,
Still, there’s a see-through melancholy.

Too late when it moved far from home…
Perhaps, it’s happy in its old carton
I understand that it might have missed it for so long
But hasn’t it noticed the care I have returned?

If that’s so, farewell, Riri~

“You finally showed up. Where have you been?” Mugi was crossing her arms when we met again at Riri’s funeral. It was obvious that I ran away from her last time. It was some sort of reason. Perhaps, to clear my mind and to seek answers. We’re both in the parking area. I have just arrived by hopping a taxi, while she, came from nowhere.

“I’m sorry. I went back home. I needed space that time,” I replied, not even looking straight into her eyes.

“Home? The street?” with wonder, she asked. I’ve never told Mugi about my hometown. The street, as I told her instead, is my former home.

“No, I went home to my family… that was now, actually, broken…” I replied. She put her arms down and marched slowly nearer to me. I’d let her do it, expecting her to halt at a distance where she’s contented. But her approach didn’t stop until she pressed me against the parked white van. She clenched both of my shoulders with her hands and yelled at me.

“Then why’d you just leave without telling me?! I’m longing for you that time!”

It’s a split second when tears roll down her eyes. They were like water from the slightly opened faucet. I didn’t understand Mugi. She should be crying for Riri, not me.

“When I left, you’re not alone, right?” She wouldn’t feel lonely, because she has company. I know Mugi gladly opened her arms for me, but it wasn’t just fair if I would force myself in, without even accepting her will. In fact, I have no idea what’s her intent.

“Kumo and Panda just left me, you know!”

Does that mean, they abandoned Mugi? For what reason?

“They left?” I asked, looking for more answers.

“I thought you knew it,” she said, lowering her head and tone, “they’re dead, Yuru… Now, you’re the only one I have.”

To kill a puzzled mind is to thrust it with the sword of acceptance. We’ll accept the fact that there’s no escape in this imperfect world. Her thought that I knew Kumo and Panda are dead, made me more puzzled about her trust. Is she still blaming me for the dying incidents? But why am I saying that she’s blaming me? I’m not the one who kills… am I?

She aligned her face back to mine. I watched her examine my lips as I understood what will be her next move. Doing so, I made a swift dodge by moving a little to the right. She ended up resting on my left shoulder. I felt her soft, little laughs. It looked like we were embracing without wrapping each other with our arms.

I’d let go a sigh and held the top of her head with my left hand. “Whatever you're planning, it won’t work. Have you forgotten that we treat each other like sisters?”

"Then…"

Mugi have still words to talk to but was halted when Nagashi came into view.

“Oh, there you are, Cloudee! I thought you won’t be showing your face again. Did you miss each other, huh?”

“Nagashi…”

Of all the people I’ve worked with, Nagashi is the one who acts the most suspicious. Even his grins are eerie and doubtful.

Mugi finally withdrew herself and clung to my left arm instead. As I talk with Nagashi, she patiently listened. “I would like to end my music career… people are dying because of my songs, right? I’m needing a rest as well. I couldn’t bear the pressure anymore.”

Hearing what I’ve said, Nagashi just laughed. “You’re funny, Yuru. You can’t just do that. You have signed a contract! You have four more concerts and you have to release at least five more songs!”

“Then, I’ll do it. And after that, we’re done.”

I walked past him and headed to the main occasion that I would be attending. I could feel that Mugi is still following me. Even though I feel no longer safe on her side, I just let her approach me like how we first met. I need an answer from her as the way she needs an understanding from me.

Only a few people attended Riri’s funeral. Some are our co-workers and some are well-known musicians. The thing that saddened me is that Takuya is not there. Whatever the reason is, I hope it’s for the best.

“After this, where are you heading?” Mugi asked as we were sitting on the last row of guests’ seats.

“Back to the apartment,” shortly, I replied. She seemed off a bit… one who becomes childish and dependent. I understand her longing. Being alone is not her forte that’s why, even so… I still have to keep her.

“I would like to work with you. I witnessed your first step up here, and I would still like to witness how you’ll end it. Please allow me to work with you ‘til your last.”

I watched her eyes, drawing into sincerity. Mugi… She is the first witness of my success. As I promised to her last time, I’ll still make time for her even in my busiest times.

When the time comes that you’re at the highest peak, and I wasn’t able to reach you anymore, I hope you’ll still look at me and wave hello. I’ll be glad if you remember me… the one who helps you climb up there.

It’s not the right place and the right time to smile, but I managed to make a little. For Mugi, I’ll do it. Just this time to make her happy. “Okay then.”

○●○●

“Miyako is still alive, Mother.”

Before returning to Tokyo, I came to visit Mother once more. Aunt Iori said that I might help her vanish her worry and sadness by telling her the truth. Even so, I couldn’t promise to bring Miyako right in front of her. I’m not ready, and still, I have plans. I have to fix things from the start to make this life easier for all. That time when I’ve told Mom about Miyako, she asked for proof. She even had a hard time believing me. But because I told her the things I’ve been through while in the music industry, she knew that I was doing it for Miyako.

Miyako… she liked music first before me.

●○ 葬儀の歌 ○●