charlie cox ; imagines

take care of you (mentions of self harm)

MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AHEAD!!! READ AT YOUR OWN WARNING!!! i've dealt with self harm for the last couple years & i've wanted to write something about it? feel free to skip this chapter because i understand how it can be triggering to others.

you felt defeated & disappointed. after a few months of being clean from self harm, one incident took you over the edge & brought you back to where you are now; crying on the bathroom floor with cuts littered on the inner sides of your arms. you know you promised matthew you'd get better, & you were better for a while, but when you feel like this, like there's no way out & you're stuck, you reach for the thing that will make you feel something, anything other than what you feel then & there.

you knew you'd have to tell matthew when he comes home from work, & you were afraid of having that conversation. the fear of him being disappointed or angry at you makes you want to throw up, so you desperately hoped that this wouldn't end like that. after deciding you had the will power to get up from the floor, you gripped the bathroom counter & looked at yourself in the mirror.

you looked like you were in poor shape with your messy hair, puffy red eyes & small drops of blood running from your arms to your hands. wiping off the excess carefully with a wet paper towel, you rolled your sleeves down your arms & his them just as you heard matthew's footsteps enter the apartment. with a deep breath, you exited the bathroom & entered the living room to see matthew placing his work bag on a chair before turning to you, smiling brightly at your presence.

"hey hun" he said as he made his way over to you, hugging you for a moment.

but instead of letting go, you held onto him tightly, hiding your face in the comfort of his chest, letting his cologne take over your senses.

"how've you been today? good?" he asked you, noticing your heart rate was slower than normal & the smell of copper floated through the air, making him believe you had started your period.

"not good" you mumbled into his chest, holding onto him tighter when you felt him rub your back with soft circular motions.

"do you need me to get you anything? pads, tam—"

"i uh, i didn't get my period..." you told him, feeling how he pulled away to get a better feel of you.

moving his right hand to hold your cheek, he could feel dry tear stains & the puffiness coming your eyes— making him conclude that you had been crying.

"what... i— what's going on, hmm? why were you crying?" matthew asked with a concerned tone, trying not to think about the possibility that's being lingering in the back of his mind.

you tried to get the words out, but all you did was stutter, looking away from his face since you were embarrassed & disappointed in yourself.

"hey," he tapped your cheek lightly, "it's just me & you... you don't need to worry". matthew assuring you did make you feel comfortable, but it sadly didn't ease your thoughts.

"i relapsed..." you confessed quietly, your voice cracking as you finished speaking, moving away from matthew before you started to cry again.

you tried to maneuver your way to the bathroom again, your nervousness at an all time high & you couldn't help but want to go back & continue what you had done earlier. but before you could, matthew caught onto your wrist, holding it gently but forcefully so you wouldn't move.

"y/n..." matthew said slowly, trying to comprehend what you just told him.

"i'm sorry," you cried, your body beginning to shake from stress, "i'm so sorry".