You said you wouldn't

Chapter 13

AN in the end is really important. Kindly read that too. Thank you <3

I lost him

I lost my baby

I don't even know if it was a boy or girl

They couldn't tell.

He was way too young

Barely 3 months old

I don't remember half the things the doctor said to me except that there were already some complications and my body was super weak plus I took too much stress.

Damn it, I should have taken care

I was hardly eating, doing too much physical work and was stressed all the time.

The doctor had the nerve to say that me losing my baby was for good because my body wouldn't be able to give birth in this situation and I was sure to put my life in danger

As if I care

It would be good if I died already

I lost my only hope

I'm so sorry baby, Mumma couldn't protect you

I am so sorry

Devastated

That's exactly how I feel

I really don't wanna live anymore.

There's nothing left

Absolutely nothing

I wish I hadn't woken up. The reality is too much to handle
Atleast while being unconscious,in my head I had my baby with me.

I was planning to start a new life

Planning to be a mom

It's been 4 hours since I was woke up. And was informed about the horrible news

I have been sitting in the same position all this time while staring at the plain white wall in front of me

It was completely silent . The walls were sound proof and the door was shut.
I haven't spoken a word since then. I've been to numb to process anything.

I remember the doctor asking if I'd like to meet the people who brought me here and I've shook my head violently, so he left

I've cried vigorously  for almost an hour and a half before my tears ran out.

I was frustrated

I can't help but blame myself for everything

I should have stayed back. Should have eaten a little more. Should have gone to the doctor for daily check ups since I got the news as the doctor suggested

The doctor back in New york had asked me to come for a daily checkup every week since it was my first baby and my body was weak which hinted some complications .

I had assured him to be there every weak
But it was my stupid heart that wanted to wait for my pathetic excuse of a husband to come back from his  supposedly 'business' trip so that we could go together for the first appointment

Which sadly never happened

I also thought about how it'd be. If I had chosen to stay with them. Atleast my baby would be okay

I was sad, empty, frustrated but mostly angry. On myself

I did this to my baby

I'm the one responsible for everything