Only you my BOYS

Not so serene Saturday thoughts

TW- SA, Suicidal thoughts. VERY TOUCHY TOPIC SO PLEASE TAKE CARE.

°Rusty°

Today was a warm serene Saturday. I spent half of the day in the town library with Rose. And though it was an old building the books had been updated as of late. So I browsed through the books researching the feelings I may have been feeling lately. Just to confirm if they were real or not. I maxed out my library card and got Rose to max out hers as well. As we left we, unfortunately, bumped into Max and Easton on the way out of the place. It was quite uncomfortable but I held up quite well and got away with some information. Max is not against Polyamorous relationships. When I heard the words escape from his lips I couldn't help but feel warm inside.

We are now at Rose's House, the Honeysuckle Estate, it's a nice house. Quite large, airy and old. The gardens are vast and well kept and perfect for a bit of reading in the hotter weather. I come here a lot, it's like my second house. I know all the staff here, and Rose's parents. I love Rose's parents. They always invite me over to their festivals and grand parties. They gave me the passion to read and the will to live when I was at my darkest time. They showed me how to use books as an escape from the real world. And I owe them my life for that.

You see, when my brother was ten he was raped. He was distraught and ill for a couple of weeks after and I didn't know how to comfort him. He didn't want to be touched, he didn't want to Bath or even shower. He didn't even want to leave the house. Whenever I told him that it was OK he didn't respond or broke down further into tears. My parents blamed me. I should have known where my brother was. I should have been with him. I should have protected him. I should have never allowed him to go off on his own. I should have walked with him after school. But I didn't and I wasn't and I should've. So I was. After that, I walked around like I was his bodyguard never letting him leave my eye of sight. But then I went up to high school. I tried to rush as fast as I could to meet him after school. But my brother was never the patient kind. He would walk on his own. And after months I stopped rushing. He would always get home safe. But then one day he didn't come home. I scoured the city High and low the police claimed it was too early to file a missing report.

The next morning I found his lifeless body in the dirty, dark, smelly alleyway behind the bar. He had been stabbed in the heart. His eyes were open and displayed a look of horror and regret. His skin was pale waxy but just a tiny bit warm. His head was missing massive patches of hair where the criminal had tugged at it. His trousers and underwear were nowhere to be seen. Not on the floor surrounding his body or on his body at all. He was bleeding down there, it startled me as much as it did the First time he told me he was bleeding. I covered his legs with my coat and sobbed. Because It had happened again. Because it was my fault again. Because my brother was ruined. And dead. I screamed till I threw up I grabbed the knife the killer had uncaringly thrown to the side and tried to kill myself. I tried to slash my throat, I tried to stab my heart. But you cannot kill what's already dead. My heart had stopped feeling. The only emotion I could ever identify was anger. And that's what fueled me. I cried angry tears that fell on top of my brother's lifeless body, till the police came and took him away. And fuck them. Since after only a month they declared the case a cold case. I still have the Broad heavy knife that killed my brother. It sits in a box under my bed. I don't cry anymore, I have other outlets. Healthier ones. Ones that help. Ones I like.

AN- I know this has happened to many people around the world and I would like to spread awareness. If you are a survivor do not be afraid to speak you're voice but also do not let other people pressure you into using your voice. There is a time for everything and you will know when you are ready. If you need to talk but you are too afraid/embarrassed/ whatever the reason to talk to anyone you know there are a few websites linked below that could help you.

For my precious survivors in the UK, the NHS does offer help. Please read- https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

For my precious survivors in the US, this website gives you multiple places to go ONLINE- https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/rape/help-for-rape-victims-rape-victims-support

Please seek out help if you need some, you can also DM if you need help finding options for whatever country you're in <3.