Dear papá,
I am writing to you now because I thought you would want to know what happened. You see, after you and mother left me, and Mrs. Charlotte Isabella Caroline
Paulina Margaret Isabelle
Victoria Elizabeth Margaret Paulina
Marie Claire Antoinette Gabriella
Beatrice Elizabeth Alexandra Mary
Marie Caroline Esther Paulina Williams and Mr. Williams took me in, I decided to chase my dreams instead of following the path you laid out for me. Yes, in fact, my whole life is everything but what you wanted. I hate you and always have and always will.
It took over three years of training in Botswana just to get your filthy teachings out of my head, and then ten years of meditation in Tibet to finally develop my own way. I was tired of being good. All you ever did was good. No, Timmy, help the old woman. No, Timmy, don't bite the dog. No, Timmy, don't start wars with your vegetables while eating. Well, yes, papá, Timmy did all of those things in Chad. Africa is the place to go once you've found yourself.
But that's besides the point...you still need to know what happened. I remember it like it was yesterday...in fact, it was only a few years ago. I was traveling through West Bengal, drinking from the most beautiful river I've ever seen when it happened. My life changed forever. I saw a shiny object in the water- odd, I know, but be patient, I'm getting there. It was a lamp, and it obviously wasn't Indian. So what was it doing in West Bengal?
"What is this doing in West Bengal?" I asked myself.
"I can tell you!" The voice was awful. It sent chills down my spine and resonated throughout my entire body. It was a shriveled hag in old rags.
I tossed the lamp to her, but it turns out she had arthritis and it hit her in the face instead.
"My face!" She bellowed, stooping to pick up the lamp. "Ooow, my arthritis!"
After several minutes of heavy breathing (I know, annoying) she finally retrieved the lamp from the ground.
"This came from Persia!!!!" She screamed, the sky turning dark for a moment.
"Why?"
"Because it was made in Persia!"
"Ok,"
"I know what you're here for!" It cackled. "You are here to be evilllll!"
I was in fact there to be EVILLLL!
"I am here to be evilllll!" I replied.
"Hehehe!" Green lightening rained from the sky. "If you truly want to become evil, you must become one with the lamp. You must become...a GENIE!!" More green lightening.
"Ok,"
"Go to the Sahara and find the nearest Oasis...drink from the waters and then dip the lamp in. Once you have done this, the genies of the past will guide you." With a swish of her dirty rags she disappeared in a sand tornado, cackling into the stagnant air.
I stayed in West Bengal for another year, destroying all the happiness I could before moving on to...Taiwan? Pretty sure that's where the Sahara is.
So, I went to Taiwan and roamed the desert for five years without a SINGLE drop of food or water. I recycled my sweat for sustenance, and lost a toe. But I quickly found the oasis after that. I knew it was the one because I was pretty sure that was the only non-desert area of Taiwan.
I dipped my hands into the boiling waters, cacti dancing around me ceremoniously and little birds speaking in tongues. The thought of water made me choke, causing parts of my throat flesh to tear. I swallowed my pain, which only hurt me more.
I knew what I had to do. I was going to drink that water, and it was gonna like it. I splashed a few drops in my palate. They immediately filled my tummy with strength, even though they tasted so salty I thought they were from the Dead Sea off the coast of Brazil.
I realized then that I had dropped the lamp a few years ago because it felt heavy. It could be anywhere. I focused all of my concentration, eating lemons to boost my evil power. The lamp appeared on my belt sash and I dropped it into the waters, placing my hands upon it ceremoniously. What happened next was terrifying.
A large, moist, green blob arose from the lamp, shining in the sun. Small gnomes crawled from the waters moaning "shrok", though I had no idea what it meant. A huge ugly mass of green, moist, flesh formed, floating above the water. I distinctly smelled garlic? No, not garlic...something else...though even now I can't identify it. The once clear waters turned swampy.
Two beautiful, moist, green, bodacious, full lips formed, speaking gently to me.
"You wish to be a genie?" It sang.
I kneeled. "Yes, green master. More than anything."
"And are you...evil?" It whimpered.
"Oh, yes." I bowed.
"Prove it." It whispered.
I pulled a lemon out of my belt sash, sucking all the juices and the seeds into my raw fleshy throat before smashing it's sour corpse into my eyeball directly.
"nNYAHHHHHH!!!!!!" I screamed.
"Good," it purred. "You are now crowned genie Timmy Khaleel Wasem, king of the raisin folk."
I felt my body transform into a gentle wisp, scent of raisin as my master disappeared into the air, the gnomes flying after it. I was roughly sucked into the genie lamp. It was small, cramped, dark, at the bottom of a waters in the middle of nowhere, and I was packed to the brim with lemons and a whole village of Raisin people. It was the best day of my life. This very same day, in fact.
So, papá, I hope you can understand now. Be jealous. I know that you have been dead for many years. I want you to know I had your corpse donated to a transvestite stripper bar where it would be able to celebrate being without you. I think mother is there too, but I could care less about her too. I only wish my wonderfully evil, lemon of a foster mother, Mrs. Charlotte Isabella Caroline
Paulina Margaret Isabelle
Victoria Elizabeth Margaret Paulina
Marie Claire Antoinette Gabriella
Beatrice Elizabeth Alexandra Mary
Marie Caroline Esther Paulina Williams, could see me now. I am probably the most accomplished genie by far. My job is great cause nobody can find me in Taiwan. I've befriended the Raisin people and they worship me like their god. I am.
Sincerely, your hate filled son,
Genie Timmy Khaleel Wasem, King- no, god of the Raisins Folk.
