Red

Part 20

Mallery

I wake to the soft sound of tapping. When I sit up, Bucky's alarm clock reads 6:09, but the bed next to me is empty and cold. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and take stock of how I'm feeling. Glancing down, I can see faint bruises on my arms, and my head hurts but only slightly. When I stand, I'm steady, and my vision is still clear, so I take it as a good sign for things to come.

I use Bucky's bathroom quickly and meander out to the living room, and then his home office to find him sitting at his desk typing, away furiously at his laptop. His brow is furrowed, and as I watch him from the doorway, I see he's too invested to realize I'm observing him. It isn't until he pauses, sighing deeply and stretching his arms above his head, that he looks over and smiles at me.

"Good morning. Did I wake you?" He pushes away from his computer, putting space between himself and whatever he was working on to focus on me.

"No, how long have you been up?" I ask as I approach his desk. I pick up the glass orb paperweight, rolling it in my hands.

"I don't think I've actually slept." His chuckle is dry and hollow. "I was just trying to catch up on a few things from overseas."

"You should try to catch a few hours. We're supposed to go see Wanda and the twins today." I set the orb down, rounding his desk and reaching out for his hands.

Bucky grasps my hands, but instead of standing, he pulls me onto his lap. Resting my head on his, I sigh contentedly. "Are you sure you still want to go? It's a bit of a drive?"

"It's only an hour." I laugh lightly. "I think I can make it. Besides, she keeps sending me pictures, and I want to hold them."

I can feel him inhale sharply under me before he responds. "Then I'll try to get a few hours of sleep. Maybe you can drive us out there?"

I pull my head up to look at him and nod. "Thanks for not using the kid gloves today."

Bucky brushes some loose hair away from my face. "Red, you might need to use the kid gloves on me. I ... I—"

"Hey." I wrap my arms around his neck as he lets out one single sob. "I'm okay. You've been so strong this whole time. I've never checked on you, have I? I'm sorry." His arms tighten around my torso, and I stroke his hair. "Shh, we're okay."

"I just ... I could have lost you. I've spent so much of my life without you, but I'd never forgive myself if anything happened on my watch. I need you." I pull away at that and narrow my eyes at him.

"You are a wonderful man, but you are not ultimately responsible for me. I love and appreciate that you want to protect me, but we cannot be together 24/7. You need space; I need space. That's a commodity I've had very little of in the last few years." I sigh. He's not crying anymore, but I can see how much of a toll this has taken on him.

"I have to be able to make mistakes ... like last night. John is the one who did this, who continues to do this. I can't live my life afraid of everything. I have to put some trust and faith in the system now that he's been arrested, and we have to move forward. Okay?"

Bucky nods, resigned and tiredly.

"Can I put you to bed now?"

"Will you stay with me?"

I don't answer, instead just climbing off of his lap, grabbing his hands, and leading him back to his bedroom. Pulling him down to the mattress and covering us with the duvet, I let him get as comfortable and as close as he wants. He needs this, just like I needed it last night. His head comes to rest on my stomach, and I scratch my nails across his scalp until I hear his breathing even out, and he starts to snore lightly.