Red

Part 23

Mallery

I've gotten through two days of work, making only the most necessary conversation with Bucky before he calls me into his office and asks me to shut the door. When I do and continue standing, watching him as he paces by his window, there's a small part of me that feels guilty for not trying to clear the air.

Until he speaks.

"Are you done being angry at me?" He hasn't stopped pacing to look at me, and just for a split second, I want to run to him and crush him to me in a hug. But in my hesitation to answer, he sees that as answer enough. "I guess not."

"Why don't you sit down so we can talk like adults?" I try for tact because while I understand that he's angry or even disappointed, he's not allowed to treat me like this.

"No, I want to know when you're coming home, Mallery," he says, finally turning to look at me. "I deserve that at the very least."

"You deserve that? I don't think I owe you anything, Bucky." I take a deep breath. "I'm grateful to you for every way that you've helped me, but you said yourself that you weren't doing this for you. You weren't doing it to get something in return."

"And I asked you to be careful with me." His blue eyes are dark and fierce when he stares at me, and a small shudder runs down my spine.

"I have to be careful with myself too." I take a few tentative steps toward him. "Please don't make me choose because I'm going to choose me. At least, for now."

"Mallery, I love you, but I don't want to keep you. I want to protect you because of how much I love you; it's all I've ever wanted to do." He hasn't moved but reaches out his hand to me.

I reach out for him, our fingertips touching. "Maybe it would be best if I moved out ... for good."

He curls his hand around mine, pulling me closer. "That's all you have to say? I tell you how I feel, and you tell me you want to leave?"

"Bucky, right now, your love comes with conditions and rules ... I can't deal with that. I'm sorry." I pull away from him, putting space between us. "I believe you, but I think you and I both know that right now it's conditional."

"So, that's it? It's over again? You're just going to walk out of my life, and I won't see you for another few years?" Bucky sounds as if he might be starting to hyperventilate. I don't want this. I know he's truly just reacting to the situation; he wouldn't completely abandon me. Just like I wouldn't do that to him.

"Of course not." I walk back to the couch and sit down. "I'll still come to work, and we can talk, go out, whatever you want. But within reason, Bucky. I need space and freedom to be my own person. And are you implying that you won't be there for the trial? You wouldn't come if I asked? If I needed you?"

"I would ... in a heartbeat." He turns back to the window, and I almost don't hear him. "But I don't think I'll survive if you walk out of my life again."

Whether he realizes it or not, he's emotionally blackmailing me—something I'm supremely familiar with from my time with John. I don't want to compare the two men again, so I remain quiet.

The silence lingers in the office until his desk phone rings, and Bucky sighs heavily. I take the opportunity to exit while he answers it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I know I can't back down.

**RED**

I'm sitting out by the pool, gazing across the water when I hear the familiar sound of the sliding door open and close from the house. I don't look up, but I'm not surprised when Steve slips onto the lounger next to mine and hands me a bottle of beer.