The Cuckoo's Song

Chapter Fifteen

Anna had not gone to her own room after Abe had walked her home. She went to Elli's instead, curling up in bed with her. She couldn't face being alone. It was strange enough sleeping apart from her as it was, but her head churned with broken thoughts, and she was terrified that one in particular might grip her too tight.

When they awoke the next morning, Anna didn't say anything to Elli. She didn't want to get her hopes up before she and Abe had talked. As they sat down for breakfast with Gabby, her mind was totally filled with Abe. She could still feel him pressed against her, his lips brushing hers. It was consuming her in the most wonderful way. Her dreamy state was only interrupted by Heidi giggling as she entered the dining room, a grinning Hollywood in tow.

"Hollywood?" said Elli curiously. "You don't sleep here?"

"No, I, ah, just thought I'd join you for some breakfast," he said quickly as Anna shot him a warning look.

"Oh, that's nice," said Elli, then thought. "Is Abe joining us?"

"He's got gate duty this morning," explained Hollywood. "But I'm sure he'll be here later, right Anna?"

"Of course," said Anna quickly, her gaze buried in her breakfast. She didn't see Heidi and Gabby exchange a look.

After Hollywood left, little Inge from next door came to knock for Elli. They headed into the garden to play, and Anna followed so that she could watch over them. She sat and daydreamed some more, enjoying her thoughts of Abe. But they kept being interrupted by thoughts of Hans.

It was awful.

Anna so desperately wanted to live in the happy moment without the horrible pang of guilt. Gabby finally came and found Anna in the garden, sitting cross legged beside her on the grass as she watched Elli and Inge run and play.

"You know, they're perfectly safe out here. You don't have to watch them like a hawk."

"Don't want to risk it," sighed Anna.

They sat quietly for a moment, Gabby pondering how to phrase her next question. "What happened last night?" she asked, Anna not looking at her. "Heidi said you ran away from Abe when you two were dancing. Why did you just up and leave?"

"I got nervous."

"But you and Abe are so close! I thought it's what you wanted?"

"It is," began Anna, but her head was hung low. "We kissed."

"Well about time! I'm surprised it's taken you this long."

Anna didn't look up.

"Why do you look so sad?"

"Because I realised in that moment that if I give into my feelings for Abe, that I have to let go of what came before him." Anna rubbed her eyes furiously, annoyed at the tears welling in them. "I know it seems stupid, especially because I'm still angry at Hans. But..."

Anna didn't know how to explain it. She wasn't even sure she understood how she felt. It was ridiculous. Abe was so wonderful, why should she push him away because of a dead man who had hurt her so badly?

"I suppose, it's a final goodbye," Anna said eventually. "And I'm notoriously bad at goodbyes." Gabby reached out and rubbed her back. "Why is it so hard to let go? All I can think about is all the good times we had... how much we meant to one another. And comparing them to the way Abe makes me feel tells me that this is important. He's not a fling. But why do I feel so guilty? Why do I have loyalty to a man who abandoned me?"