Broken | Kiribaku | Angst

2- Anxiety

A dark figure looms behind me.

It's taller, stronger and wider than me. Wherever I go it follows, like your shadow on a sunny day. It watches over me. Not a protector, not an attacker.

The figure is more like an endless pit of thoughts. Of fears and worry and guilt.

A shadow of anxiety.

Since age 13 I started struggling to cope with my anxiety. On the odd occasion it will feel like it's gone. No stress, no fear, no worry. The same moment you realise your free is the same moment you realise your trapped.

Forever trapped in a cage of which you have the key. But the cage won't open. No matter what you try, no matter how much effort you put in, no matter who's there or  where you are. No matter what.

Outside the cage is black. Unknown and unforeseen. Something you'll only know once your there. The future.

I'm stuck in the cage but no one can get me out because no one's here with me. I'm the only one in the cage and the only one with a key. Others can only watch and support me from the sidelines. But their thoughts and feelings are only deceived to me of what I know.

If I had one wish right now it would to be free from the cage. But even then, if I don't escape on my own I'll only end up back where I started. Back in the cage. Forever.

But it's not all bad. The cage displays my choices. My thoughts and my feelings.

Only I can fit in the cage and only I can leave it.

I open my eyes, the blackness becoming a beam of light, as I stare to the ceiling above me. My bed is like a safe space. Safe but doesn't always feel safe.

*ding*

I reach past my pillow to my phone, hoping for a particular name to appear on screen and tell me it was just a dream.

New message from 'Raccoon Eyes'
[Hey bakugou, just checking in :)]

I open up our messages and blankly reply.

Sent at 9:23am
[Hey]

'Raccoon Eyes' at 9:23am
[How are you?]

Sent at 9:35am
[A bit better than yesterday]

'Raccoon Eyes' at 9:35am
[Thats good :) I hope you feel better soon. The bakusquad can't wait to see you at school tomorrow!]

Sent at 9:37am
[Cant wait]

I sigh, pressing my phone against my chest. A feeling of guilt runs through me like a stampede.

My friends are so nice. I wish I was nicer.

~

I stand in the mirror, buttoning up my shirt and attempting to put on my tie. He used to help me.

Tears start to boil in my eyes and I throw my tie to the floor walking to stand with my back to the wall out of view from the mirror.

Let's just get to school.

Voices echo through the walls and chatter fills the hallways. I make my way down to my classroom, my hands buried deep in my pockets just in case they start to shake.

The door opens with a creak and whispers fill the room, smiles shared.

"Bakubro!!" Sero exclaims and the bakusquad rushes over and squeezes me into a hug.

"...hey," I state, an emotionless expression plastered on my face.

School just makes me want to be anywhere but school. I just want to go back to my dorm. Locked up, locked away.

Back in the quieter side of my cage.

"We missed you," Mina comments.

"The class has been so much quieter since you've been gone. It feels weird," Denki adds. I nod, not knowing how to reply.

I catch myself eyeing the exits, already counting down the time before I can leave the classroom.

Aizawa enters the room and I drag myself to my seat. I feel my bones dig into the wood and look to my blank desk.

I try to focus on the work but my mind only drifts back to the hospital. His room. 31-B. If only I was standing next to him right now. My head sinks onto the desk.

I haven't gotten much sleep since he's been gone. My head lays in my arms folded on my desk, my makeshift pillow. All that's missing is the comfort. It's like I'm laying on a thin blanket with a bunch of sticks underneath, poking into me.

I need to eat more.

"Bakugou, please try to pay attention," Aizawa states, a tone of pity trying to be hidden in his voice.

Pity. They all pity me. Why? Because of him. Because he's not here.

I nod to Mr Aizawa before starring out the window. What's the point of trying to concentrate when I know I can't. Not today. I can't today.

I look to the swaying trees, the open area, the grass, the nature...the clouds.

I think to the suits. His was black with a red tie while mine was red and blue, flowers patterned along the sides with black pants.

I wish he was here. If only you would make it.

Eijiro Kirishima.
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Hope you enjoyed <3

Word Count: 863

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